the monotony of chaos

10,000 hours of evil

2011-09-27T07:10:00.000-05:00

yesterday i was in jeremiah for my daily reading. chapter 4, verse 22 says,

"For my people are foolish;
they know me not;
they are stupid children;
they have no understanding.
They are 'wise'—in doing evil!
But how to do good they know not." (Jeremiah 4:22 ESV)

wise in doing evil. ouch.

i read this book called outliers that said research shows that in order to become an expert in something - like the unusual genius kind - you have to put in at least 10,000 hours into it. that somehow that is the magic number - that much time - is what separates the 'greats' from the rest of us. all the 'greats' have put in the time, from musicians to athletes to software engineers.

and in order to put 10,000 hours into something, i would think your life would show it. like - you would appear obsessed to others. they would see you pouring so much time into something and be like - dude, get a life.

so when i saw where it said they are wise in doing evil, i thought, hmmmm. i wonder if they are so wise in it because they have spent so much time in it. i wonder if they have spent 10,000 hours doing evil and that is how they know it so well in order to be wise in it.

and i thought about my own life. as of today i have lived 14,942 days. that's 358,608 hours. out of those let's say i was awake for 239,072 of them (figuring i slept 8 hours every night).

239,072 hours is plenty of time to put in 10,000 hours of evil (sinning). i am certain i have. does that make mean i am an expert at it? i've put in the time!

my prayer then, is to reverse that horrible damage... to put in the time to become an expert in obedience to God. i want to be wise in righteousness, not in evil.

that means i gotta put in the time, log in those hours. i can't just stuff a prayer into my 15 minute commute every day and say, i'm radically following Christ. no... there's a commitment that is deeper than just living the way we want under the title of Christian.

Father, may i be willing to always put you first over other things that demand my attention and focus. may i pour out myself for you - give you my time, my thoughts, my life. may i learn You and your ways so much that people thing - dang girl, get a life. and i pray they would know that You - YOU! - are my life.

the brightest reflection

2011-09-23T23:21:00.001-05:00

this morning i was reading in acts 19 where it talks about God doing miracles through paul, so much so that in verse 12 it says that,

even handkerchiefs or aprons that had touched his skin were carried away to the sick, and their diseases left them and the evil spirits came out of them

sometimes i get crazy amazed and filled with wonder all over again when i see a bright moon shining down, alighting the night. my husband probably gets tired of hearing me say, "isn't that amazing?.. that's the SUN making that moon so bright. it's because of the sun's light reflecting off that moon that gives us light in the night. isn't that amazing?!?" he's heard me say it at least 50 times.

but it's because it seriously blows me away. you know those nights, right? where the moon is shining so bright you can hardly look at it and it lights up the night like you've got a lamp turned on. the sun is THAT bright. man oh man.

well, when i read that verse about paul, i thought. wow - that blows me away, that God is THAT powerful, he is THAT miraculous that his power and healing are reflecting off paul and lighting the darkness around him. so much so that people don't even have to come into contact with him, only with things that he's touched!!!

it's like God is the sun reflecting off the paul-moon. and then paul becomes a sun himself, reflecting off all the things he touches that get carried to others who get healed by them. a reflection of a reflection. God is THAT bright that his power is still healing after two iterations of reflections.

doesn't that kinda blow your mind?

and we get to participate. we get to reflect Him.

hunh. pretty rockin'

my portion

2011-09-22T07:43:00.000-05:00

i woke up this morning to a scripture my cousin texted me. it's in psalm 73:26

my flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever

and it got me to thinking - what is a portion, really?

i asked God to help me understand what that really means and i started looking through some commentaries on logos bible (great resource!) and to sum it up they basically refer to God being our inheritance. our FULL inheritance. that he is the portion of what we will receive. but don't worry - you'll get plenty! this isn't some weight watcher's portion. you are getting the almighty, holy, dangerous, beautiful God of the universe as your portion. that's a portion that won't fit on your plate!!

he is our daily supply. he is sufficient for anything we might need. he covers it... and then he overflows it. we get ALL of him (not only his grace, not only his love or his promises. we get Jehovah himself!) and he is ALL our portion (within the circle of all that we possess or desire, there is none but him. he isn't just part of my portion, he is my portion). he holds nothing back and we need nothing else.

some others may have their portion elsewhere - in their money, their success, their children, their dreams... but when we have God, in him we have more than any of that can give us. there are griefs in this world deeper than any money can alleviate. but God!... oh he is more than what we need when we hurt or grieve or weary or run. he is more than enough.

when we declare that the Lord is our Lord, we really should continue to keep that in mind and take comfort of it. and live up to it.

yesterday in cgroup, my dear friend lynde challenged us to spend 70 minutes with God (10 minutes a day for 7 days) and to journal about it. i thank my friend for caring about us so much that she gives us a challenge that will put us right into the midst of God every day, to soak in his words and let them change who we are. to fall deeper for him and to recognize that he is all we need.

while reading through commentaries on my quest to understand "the Lord is my portion" i came across this...

great blessing belongs to those who read and understand the word of God, and more blessed is the man whose life is the practical transcript of the will of God as revealed in the scriptures.

oh, that my life is a practical transcript of the will of God, and that i remain in his word in order to know what that looks like. and that i immerse myself in him and that nothing less will satisfy me!

the Lord is my portion. i am rich indeed.

what i learned at the collin classic 2011

2011-06-11T19:06:00.000-05:00

today i rode in the collin classic, a rural bike ride rally here in, well, collin county. it seems that every time i take on a challenge like this, i end up learning a lot about myself in the process. how can you not? you spend the whole time pretty much alone. well, i do anyway. i'm the girl everyone else passes on their way up the hills. it provides me a lot of get-to-know-me time.

what i learned at the collin classic 2011

i'm in no shape whatsoever to do the collin classic. well, i might be in a little bit of shape, but not for the ride i chose to do. my girlfriends and i decided we would shoot for the 48 mile ride. i only pedaled 38 of them. if i'm going to continue attempting these rides i'm not only going to have to be biking more regularly (which means riding more than saturday mornings to and from breakfast with said girlfriends. and let's face it, those rides are really about the breakfast, know what i'm sayin'?) but i'm also going to have to build up my sad little muscles with * gasp! * exercise. [do NOT tell lisa i said that. she'll hold me to it.]

i'm really allergic! i took my claritin this morning, but all the pollin in the wind still made parts of my skin complain. i brought along some benadryl cream for just this very thing and had to apply it several times to the insides of my elbows to keep the rash down.

my dad died from a heart attack, but that was the final result of what started as an allergic reaction. he couldn't breathe, tried to open up his pipes with steam from a shower, but it wasn't helping. he was rushed to the ER where he turned blue, collapsed, and passed away. i take allergies very seriously, and commit to doing what i can to stay reaction-free. this was a good reminder that i was prepared, but still oh-so-susceptible.

i understand my body. i rounded a curve and looked up. there was a big hill in front of me. a big one. with several smaller ones between me and it to get me all tired up first before i reached it. my body spoke up. i listened and pulled over, grabbed a protein bar and chomped it. turns out, it was just what i needed to fuel me up that hill. i've always been kind of sensitive to my body's voice. i know when i'm about to get sick. i know when something is just slightly 'off'.

this fleshy wrapper i come in, it's a unique machine. God's incredible creation! and i get to know it personally and wear this miracle every day. i know my body, and that kind of amazes me.

i can usually do more than i think i can. even with such a small ride, i had moments were i was ready to give up early. it was hot, i was tired, my muscles were angry. and i would still ride. i wonder why. i don't think of myself as someone with stamina. i'm physically very weak. but i have found that when it boils down to it, i don't give up so easily (that's not to say that i don't ever give up... just not right away. HA!).

it helps when i'm lost in my thoughts and praying and next-thing-i-know another mile is behind me.

it also helps being stubborn.

i'm steady. this was the one that seemed to be the theme of the ride. when all the others were passing me up those hills, i just kept pedaling. it was the slowest pace, but i just kept pedaling. and when everyone else's coast stride was greater than mine and they were still benefitting from the downhills and not having to pedal, i just kept pedaling. i would look over sometimes and see the riders with the really cut calves [as they were passing me] and i thought, 'you know, i'm not strong. but i am steady.'

at that one point when i pulled over for that protein bar, another rider came up alongside me and chatted with me, making sure i was ok. and he had a misting cap on his water bottle and misted me with it while we talked. he encouraged me by saying that i was doing well and that i was steady. and i thought, what a confirmation. thanks, God!

then later someone else mentioned it.

and even later, a hawaiian-looking man that had passed me after every rest stop before beating me to the next one, resting longer than me, then passing me again,.. said, "there you are again. you're steady."

"steady," i repeated out loud. and kept pedaling.

i may not be strong, but i am steady.

i am the tortoise in aesop's fable. i will just plod, plod along. laugh and dance around me if you want, rabbit, but i will keep plodding and i will get there. i don't have to be first and i don't have to be best. i'll just be steady and get there.

charlotte - my first non-usa donation

2011-05-20T08:13:00.002-05:00

i am knitting the charlotte sweater from the gorgeous dauphine (#14) book. first of all: beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!!!

one evening, several times, i read the decrease directions for the tops of the sleeves and i couldn’t figure it out. it just made no sense. i had to sleep on it and look at it again the next morning. no sense. and then again when i got home from work. nothing! in fact, i thought it was an error and googled “louisa harding pattern corrections”. the links i saw didn’t result in any corrections for the charlotte pattern. so i googled “louisa harding charlotte pattern corrections” and one of the first few links i saw took me to this purse pattern:

the funny thing is: i’m actually looking for an easy-to-make purse pattern.

i just got back a couple of weeks ago from africa where i taught orphans, their house moms, and even some of the cooks at the village of hope how to knit. my goal is to provide them with a trade for their futures, and in the meantime i’m going to show them how to make some simple items that can be sold and the money can be put back into the village of hope, so the village can become self-sustaining.

so when i happened upon this purse pattern, i thought, now wouldn’t that be funny if i looked at the charlotte sweater pattern again and it made perfect sense, and the only reason why it didn’t make sense before is because God wanted me to search for a correction and find this purse pattern??

and i swear to you i looked at the pattern again and i actually read it correctly and went, “OH! THAT’S what it’s saying, i've been reading it wrong.”

so.. as you may imagine, i couldn’t just let that go. there had to be a reason for it. i couldn't not do anything.

so i messaged the designer of the pattern (through ravelry, a site for knitters and crocheters. love it. if you're not on it, get on it. if you are - find me. i'm orangesque). i laid out this very story and asked her if she would be willing to donate the pattern for the kids to use and make product to sell for a profit for the village.

after several days of not hearing from her, i thought - ok. maybe i was just putting that in front of her for God to move her in another way (for i had no doubt God's hand was in this). i just prayed about it and if i heard from her - great! - and if i didn't, well that was great, too.

then i finally got an answer: "i would be honored."

she emailed me the pattern and even gave me permission to customize or embellish. and of course, she would love to see some of the finished pieces.

she's from england and so this is my first non-usa donation for this incredible knitting project.

OH! i cannot WAIT to teach the kids how to make this and then send photos back to louisa and i pray that she is blessed by her generosity.

and i am once again marinating in God's goodness and the truly amazing ways He works. that i even get to participate in this thrills me.

as an aside - here is another pattern i am going to teach the kids to make. heck - i'd wear it!!

the gift of joy

2011-05-10T07:08:00.001-05:00

as we prepared for our last trip to the village of hope, i received a call from a friend telling me her child wanted to come by my work and donate her own money toward our fundraising. that child's name is joy and this is the story of her gift.

all of the first grade students at mcgowen elementary (among many others, i presume) received $1 each as part of the rachel's challenge project. the children were challenged to 'do good'...

at the bottom of the letter it says, Do something good. Do something great. Do something!

a dollar is a big deal to a first grader. well, to just about any kid. so to be told to do something with it (give it away?) is probably an even bigger deal. so what would joy do with her dollar?

several weeks prior to this, joy had learned in promiseland at christ fellowship about the children at the village of hope in uganda. and she learned that the offering collected from the kids in promiseland goes right to the village, so children are helping children.

to help educate the 'kids here' about the 'kids there' and what their offering money helps to accomplish, my husband came to promiseland one sunday to talk about the village and answer questions.

i was in the back and i recognized quite a few of the kids there, including joy.

apparently, she's been giving her very own money to the village of hope through promiseland for a while, which was later a surprise to her parents. she did it all on her own out of very big heart.

so... armed with this new dollar bill from her school, joy decides she wants to give to the village of hope, through donating it to our trip there. but at one point, she decided that $1 wasn't enough and she sat down to count out some of her own money. in quarters.

it got ziplocked up (but not after she got her mom to give some quarters of her own!) and hand delivered to me.

there was a moment where she thought about taking some of it back, but in the end gave all of her intended gift.

her mom prepped me before the visit so i knew what was up. good thing - or i would have blubbered all over the place. but i at least held it together until after they left. i couldn't stop hugging her though.

and perhaps it was my excitement at her gift, perhaps she experienced that true and lovely blessing God provides when we give of ourselves and our possessions, but there was talk of her wanting to give even more.

the baggie containing a one dollar bill and nineteen dollars in quarters helped pay for our trip to see the children where they began to learn to knit, learned to trust us more, and even shared some of their stories. we discipled them, loved on them, ate and slept with them. we showed them God's love and talked to them about how to honor him. we poured ourselves out for them.

it seems joy's gift went a long way. all the way to africa and back.

it also went deep. into my heart, scattering seeds of generosity and child-like faith. maybe it will make it into yours, too.

i hope mcgowen elementary knows where that dollar went and how it grew into something good. something great. Something!!

and i hope God blesses the little girl who gave what she had - away - to help others.

i am joy-inspired!!

the knitting debrief

2011-05-05T21:14:00.000-05:00

robyn, aka the minimalist knitter, asked me how the knitting project went in uganda. my response came from the first time i've sat down to write anything out. so i'm including it here as an update:

robyn,

wow!

where do i begin? it was really awesome! here are a few photos

when the house moms saw me teaching the kids, they wanted to learn too. and when the kitchen workers saw me teaching the house moms, they wanted to learn too. even the ugandan director picked up some sticks and gave it a try. and so did the full time missionary woman who is living out there with her husband. everyone wanted in on it.

they were very good at learning the process and i laid out some foundational knitting for them. by the time we left, one of the house moms nearly had a scarf made!

each session would last several hours because the girls wouldn't stop knitting until the house moms told them to - either it was time for dinner or time for chores. and the time would go by so quickly (and quietly... it absorbed them).

on a seemingly unrelated note, we took some time to sit with the head mistress (principal) of their school to discuss how we can support them in the future with lessons, etc. we wanted what we teach them to supplement what the teachers were teaching, and that hopefully we could bring more ESL into it and maybe bring things from america that weren't readily available in uganda (like weather implements such as wind socks). when she presented us with the upcoming curriculum, it turned out that some of the art elements for the next two terms are knitting and crocheting. hmm... i can help with that.

then we were looking at some of the items that the village has been able to sell to help support themselves, like the bead project, and they were asking if i could teach the kids how to make things that would be marketable to sell. hmm... i can help with that, too!

so it seems that this knitting project (that has by far outgrown me) can be helpful in ways i hadn't considered.

i received several boxes from people saying they heard about me through your blog and it blessed me beyond measure that they would simply give! they don't know me. and they may not even know you. but they just... gave. their generosity and willingness to partner with me was touching and i found myself several times just tearing up for lack of a better response.

we took over 75 sets of needles and over 100 pounds of yarn to africa and i still have some stuff left over in my spare room (i saved the boucle and fuzzy yarns for later as it didn't lend itself well to beginner's efforts).

upon my return i found another box had been delivered in my absence and another box landed on my doorstep the next day. the generosity continues.

my next step, as i continue to collect donated materials, is to gather some patterns for products that will sell (mostly to americans that visit the village or to be sold here in the states), and hopefully items that can incorporate some of the beads. one idea i had is to have the kids make a basic pouch purse with a drawstring at the top and use beads at the ends of the drawstrings. maybe finish it with fringe at the bottom with beads, too.

if you or any of your readers have pattern ideas or submissions they would be greatly appreciated. :)

one last note: my husband and i sponsor four of the kids there. two girls and two boys. the two girls are both named vicky and one of them had been very closed off when we were there last. that may have even contributed to me being so drawn to her. i tend to be a little standoffish (shy) myself. since our last visit i've sent her some letters and prayed for her regularly.

a few days into our visit this time, she gave me a note that said she wanted to share her story with me. she led me around to the side of her home, sat me down, and began to tell me. it was... heartbreaking. no child in that village has a pretty story. it was all i could do not to cry (for fear of it being translated to her that i pity her).

the fact that she shared with me speaks of incredible trust. when we returned, it spoke volumes to those kids. it said we will be back for them. they can trust that. they can trust US. and they did... she wasn't the only one who opened up to me.

but it also told me that they are receiving such good care, such good, godly, healthy care, that they are healing from past hurts and beginning to open up. it was a beautiful testimony of how God can restore even the most broken of us. his love can 'knit' back together a heart with more fractures than we can count. yes, he knits! i am my Father's daughter. :)

thanks for all you have and are doing to push this project forward and increase awareness of the village of hope. i'm astounded by your kindness.

with gratitude,

trace

gifted to give

2011-03-23T08:05:00.004-05:00

when jon and i returned from our first trip to uganda last august, our hearts were agitated. we wanted to do something. to be of help to the children at the village of hope.

we joked (ok, i joked. jon may have been quite serious!) about moving to uganda, building our own hut in the village and serving the children and workers of the village. but i knew that wasn't what God had in store for us (at least in this season!), for what could we offer them but to become a burden to them?

we would require food, shelter, protection and many other necessities we couldn't possibly foresee, in exchange for... what? i cannot teach these girls how to grow up to be successful women in their culture - because i don't know their culture. i can teach them how to be an american woman. but what good is that in the middle of uganda with no running water or electricity? it would be disastrous!

and i couldn't consider bringing them here to america. at the village of hope they are receiving such great care. they are learning how to become pillars of their society and uphold their country. they can very possibly grow up to turn their country around. why would i pluck them from that only to raise them far from their land? they were born ugandan for a reason. i need to be sensitive to that and respect that.

and so i quandaried over what i had to offer these precious ones, for i so wanted to be of help to them.

days later our team had lunch with cindy cunningham, founder and director of the village of hope, and i mentioned that i had almost brought my knitting on the airplane with me to keep me occupied (i backed out for fear of it being confiscated at the airport), and wondered aloud if i could have taught the kids to knit while i was there. cindy replied saying that would have been great as it would be teaching them a trade - a way to make a living and provide for their futures.

lightbulb!

this was how i could help them - this is what i could offer. out of so many things i cannot give them, this -- this!! was something i could provide. and it can have lasting value for them. and i know not all of them will keep it up, but some of them will. they will take to it as i have, loving to learn it and explore it. and some of them will even be able to knit products to sell and perhaps earn a living from it. and i get to help with that!

and so it was decided that i will teach the children to knit.

i've collected a couple of very basic patterns - one is for a dishcloth and the other is for a hat. i have knitted or received some samples from both patterns so they can see what we will be making. and began to think about how to get enough yarn and needles and accessories for 150 children. a daunting thought!

but then, when God has a plan, He also has a way of executing it. and i am excited to see how He is going to provide. perhaps... perhaps YOU are part of that plan. maybe you have stash yarn or needles you don't use anymore. maybe you have a circle of knitting pals that you could mention this project to. maybe you want to help in ways i haven't even thought to ask. [i'm smiling here, because i know God loves to provide in ways that delight us. i know He will show up and 'be big' and i get to watch it all unfold before my eyes.]

if you would like to be a part of this knitting project - here are a few resources or ways you can help:

• Knitting Project Flier (on facebook)
• looking for: yarn, knitting needles and finishing items, such as scissors and tapestry needles
• you can mail to me or i will pick up if you are in the north dallas area - email me
• we still have just over $2000 to raise for our trip. perhaps you'd like to donate to the trip
• there is another trip scheduled for july/august. perhaps you'd like to be a part of it
• pray! pray pray pray. you can join our prayer partners group on FB

i am just a small girl with a couple of needles and a big ole heart. i just wanna do some good with what i have. Lord - take what you have given me and use it to your glory and to increase your fame. let me be part of your plan to care for the orphans and the widows. and may i never mar your reputation, but that others would see you in me and desire you.

daily bread

2010-10-22T08:45:00.000-05:00

last sunday my pastor preached on part of the Lord's Prayer. i was not there to hear him give the message since i was at a women's retreat. but!... because i'm the one who puts the sermon outline and notes into youversion, i got to read the material last week before i left. which is why, by the time sunday rolled around, i'd already been thinking about his words for several days. and i'm still thinking about them.

one of the things he talked about was praying for our daily bread...

We are told to pray daily for bread, basic needs, not for daily cake. In other words for transportation, not a Rolls Royce. By asking for our daily bread, we are acknowledging that our lives are in God’s hands. We recognize that all we have ultimately comes from the Lord.

what struck me about that was that the act of praying for daily bread is an acknowledgement that all we have comes from the Lord. that without Him, we have nothing and we are nothing.

and Jesus said that when you pray to pray like this... this is the very example he gave us on how to pray. and we are also told to pray without ceasing.

so if this is how we pray, and we are to always be praying, then i cannot help but consider that i need to continually recognize i am nothing and that i have nothing without God; to pray for daily bread without ceasing.

at the retreat we sang a song with these words

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

and it dawned on me that this song was about praying for my daily bread - it was about recognizing that i am His hands and that all i have comes from Him. and that He is all i need. in fact, he's MORE than enough for me.

and then we sang another song. and another. and they all recapped that theme of Him providing everything we need and that without Him we have nothing.

we kept singing about and praying for our daily bread. it was beautiful!

Article of our trip to Uganda

2010-10-19T17:51:00.000-05:00

This article was submitted to both Jon's and my employers for use in their newsletters. We are delighted that either of them would want to distribute our story. And I thought I would publish here, too, for funsies... in case you aren't on either of those lists.

Not many people have experienced horrors worse than most scary movies out there; witnessed, or even participated in, acts that make one question just how far-reaching "is" God's mercy anyway? But some have. And the Village of Hope exists for just such people.

Through Village of Hope they are plucked from poverty. They are counseled and cared for. They are provided shelter, safety, food, community and love. And after those many atrocities they were forced to be a part of, they can finally find the kind of freedom and forgiveness that might otherwise seem unattainable. Oh - and did we mention they are children!

Most are former abductees of the Lord's Resistance Army - a militant group of terrorists based in northern Uganda that is known for its heinous human rights violations, including murder, abduction, mutilation, sexual enslavement of women and children, and forcing kids to participate in hostilities.

That is their past. Village of Hope gives them a future.

We were interested the moment we learned there was a mission trip going to Uganda to care for orphans; that is our passion after-all. And it seemed that every time we turned around we were hearing about this trip making it near impossible to ignore. And so with full hearts and willing hands we signed up to be part of the 12-person team that would spend two weeks sharing the love of Christ with the children of Village of Hope.

This team would become like family to us. In Africa we shared everything from meals and huts to much laughter and even a few tears. But before we ever left American soil we met together almost weekly for three months to pray together, plan curriculum and songs, learn about the culture and share resources and inoculation horror stories. :)

And on August 4, our team-family waved goodbye to loved ones and embarked on a journey that would change the beat of our hearts forever.

The children were so gentle and sweet, so warm and loving. There was no shortage of smiles and curtseys, then eventually, hugs and cuddles. They soaked up every bit of attention and love we poured over them. They sang constantly, in the classroom or doing chores, and wanted to learn every song we knew, which we had to sing with them over and over again.

They live their lives simply and peacefully, but we know that wasn't always the case, and sometimes it was difficult to remember there was a former LRA abductee behind those bright smiles and soft voices. Until we joined them for prayer.

Every morning and every evening the children would gather and sing praises to God and worship him with a fervence most Americans need in a bad way. And soon those songs would fade into prayers, cries out to the Father, wails, even! For these kids have seen darkness. And while they have been rescued and saved, those nightmares and grief still pain them. They are haunted by deaths of parents or siblings, sometimes at their own forced hands. The blood, violence and innocence lost are thick in their pleas for God to free them from their horrors.

Most of the children would pray on their knees with their heads bent to the cold, cement floor, but some would turn their faces into the wall behind them and let out such mournful cries that shivered our very souls.

What do you do with that?

What can some "Mzungus" (white people) from a comfortable, safe and clean (spoiled? indulgent?) life in Allen, TX, do for these precious children? How can we relate? What can we possibly offer them that could be of any real value?

We brought the kids new clothes, some much-needed school supplies, sports equipment and materials to make crafts. But the greatest gift we brought with us was, unexpectedly... us.

They have been shunned by whatever relatives they may have left, shunned by their villages, shunned by their communities. And after experiencing so much rejection like that, over and over... imagine then having someone you don't even know being willing to spend time and money to travel across the globe to just walk with you to the well and sing songs with you and hold your hand.

Imagine the value that you would begin to feel again. Imagine starting to see how big God's love is for you, that he would provide this team of strangers to love you and hug on you and tell you stories about God -- not just through their lessons in the classroom but also in the way they behave toward you and seem to just love you no matter why you have been rejected in the past. Imagine.

They wanted us. They wanted our time and our attention. And in that, was their very happiness.

These children who have seen darkness, who have walked through hell and come out on the other side, have found a God full of forgiveness that can cover and cleanse anything they had to do to survive. They found a God who sustains them and gives them peace. And a God who sends human hands to hold them, human voices to sing for them, and human hearts that will overflow with love for them.

Those are our hearts! They beat differently now. When we're very still, they almost sound like an African drum, softly, rhythmically calling us back to sing for the children again.

Can you hear it?

Jon and Trace
Follow our journey

are you my sponsor?

2010-10-12T07:18:00.001-05:00

when jon and i returned from uganda, we began to pray and ask God how we might become further involved with the village of hope and do what we can do ensure these children have a godly, successful future. and one of the things we considered was the child sponsorship program.

in this program, $100 a month can completely take care of one child - his food, clothing, medical and school tuition and supplies. but you don't even have to fully sponsor a child, you can partially sponsor them. you can do what you can afford - what God provides for them through you.

so we prayed about that and talked about it. and several nights later i had a dream.

i was in one of the classrooms at the village, and vicky was sitting at a desk writing me a note. she slid it over to me and i looked at it and all the note said was...

are you my sponsor?

i woke up and told jon we will be sponsoring vicky. :)

so we talked to the sponsorship folks and starting asking about who else we could sponsor. i wish we could take them all! in fact, i prayed for God to provide more money for us to care for more kids. and so, He began to make a way. through us.

we started to shift some things around and to get rid of things in our life that we didn't need but that was costing us money each month. we decided it would be better to do without some things so the kids could eat.

and after many questions and much praying and lots of day-to-day changes to accommodate, we are the proud sponsors of these four absolutely beautiful babies.

the vicky on the left was the one i dreamt about. and the one i wrote about. for some reason she so captured my heart that i cannot let her go. all of them did, i dream of and miss and love all of them. but there is something deeper with her.

they are all a joy and i am looking forward to the day we get to see them again (we're looking at april). and hear them call me mama trace again. and kiss their heads and take in their scents. mmmm! mama can't wait.

it is a privilege and an honor to get to help them and to be a part of their furthering and upbringing and care. but it is not an exclusive privilege. you can have it, too. you can help care for one of these darlings. and you don't even have to fully sponsor one, just partially if it is all you can afford. but you might be able to afford it. do some shifting. get rid of some things you just don't need and provide the basics for a child who needs to eat and wear clothes and go to school.

God has provided for the poor and downtrodden... through us. we are His incredible plan. step up and join us and become a sponsor. and fall in love with a kid or two.

what's in a name?

2010-10-10T13:28:00.000-05:00

today it was announced that our church is changing its name from mckinney fellowship to christ fellowship. and while i have heard there are some folks not happy - or at least reticent - about the name change... i love it!

i love that the new name says we are not about a city, but about a savior. and i love that by removing the word mckinney we may extend as far reaching as God chooses to send us. it says we are not bound by geography but rather freed to share the gospel to the ends of the earth (we were free to do so before, but now the name represents that).

and i love that christ comes first. he should! not just in the title but in our lives and the way we represent ourselves and in our thoughts and habits. christ comes first.

yeh. i like that. i like it a lot.

we used to have the full name 'mckinney fellowship bible church'. and i think one of the harder transitions for some people is that the word 'bible' is no longer in the name for we are to be simply: christ fellowship.

my bible reading this weekend took me to john 5:39 where Jesus says...

You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me

the bible is merely what points to or bears witness about christ. it is christ we are all about; the bible is a means to him. and so with christ in the name, we have all we need. (not to mention that christ is The Word).

and so i believe that this is a good change. a smart change. a change that tells people what we are about with no boundaries.

me likey.

obsessed with knitting

2010-10-09T09:14:00.002-05:00

i'm back in my knitting phase. i can hardly concentrate on anything else. my marriage, my job, the cats - they are riding backseat in my knit-mobile. i woke up thinking about knitting today, for goodness' sake.

it is my prayer that i wake up to God's praise and that i would fall asleep with the utterance of it on my lips. now it seems that has been replaced by knitting. i am so in trouble.

i started this sweater back in march and it got shelved for a [long] while as life took over.

but now i am back into it with a vengeance and i'm determined to finish it by the time it is chilly enough to wear it. the back panel and two front panels are done (except for the accent color which i'm doing at the end). and the cuffs are done and i've started working on the sleeves.

cameron did ask me if i was going to wear my hair like that, too. i had to explain that i am only making the sweater.

then last weekend i was jonesing for some new yarn so i went to the woolie ewe and bought one skein of some gorgeous yarn that matches the color of my favorite long, orange scarf just perfectly. i am going to attempt my first hat and then i shall be truly stylin'.

and i have also finally gotten the guts to attempt my first louisa harding sweater. i bought the louise harding dauphine pattern book almost a year ago and take it out every once in a while, drool over the patterns, and promptly put it away with no intention of starting anything. yet. but it's time. i am now on the hunt for the perfect yarn for this sweater.

and! i am addicted to reading knitting blogs right now, too. (i told you i was in trouble.) and the thing with blogs is that when i find one i am enthralled with i have to find the very beginning and read all the way through every single post. i did that with kissesfromkatie when i was getting ready for our first uganda trip. now i'm doing that with soulemama.

i've also been hunting for the perfect knee high sock pattern to eventually knit my first pair of socks. one would think i would start with a smaller sock for my first ones, but have you ever known me to do so? sigh. sadly... no. i have to do things the hard way. i think i will land on a drops design pattern since they are just delicious looking! although the socks i'm super in love with i have no idea where they came from. but me likey.

sooo... that's my latest (returned) obsession. knitting. if you happen to be a co-obsessor, come find me on ravelry and show me what you're working on. and if you're not on ravely, um,.. why not? it's a GREAT free site for keeping track of all of your knitting or crocheting projects or needles or stash or buddies.

vicky

2010-09-24T17:10:00.002-05:00

this is a girl who i began to refer to as 'stoic vicky' - and everyone knew who i meant.

our first day on the land at the village of hope in uganda, the children shook our hands and greeted us and bowed (so sweet!) and vicky was among them. there was a variety of responses to us - some of the kids were eager and outgoing, some of them a little shy but interested,... vicky watched us. quietly.

when we went to evening prayer down in the school room or when we sang worship to the Lord at 6:30 in the morning in one of the kids' houses, vicky was watching us. quietly.

in fact there were several times when the kids would be in our camp and we'd be singing or taking photos or playing games and vicky was nowhere to be found. she didn't jump into anything, she wasn't going to be drawn in by the new, shiny toy (us) like some of the others. she stayed on the side or out of sight. but i saw her watching.

one afternoon there was a group of us sitting in the grass while the others were doing sports.

"tell us a story," joyce asks.

their culture is so big on telling stories. americans? not so much. and i had no idea what to say. i hemmed and hawed and considered something like the three little bears, but finally decided to tell them the story of how jon and i met in high school and then he went his way and i went mine and we had lost track of each other. and then we met back up again and we knew we were meant to be together.

they smiled and laughed and then asked for another.

another? but i don't know any stories! it was a stretch to get that one out of me.

and then for some reason i thought of my dad and shared with these girls that my dad had been a preacher. and when i became a believer and follower of Christ that my dad was the one who baptized me. and that he lives in heaven now, but that one day, i am assured, i will see him again and spend eternity with him.

it made me cry. just a little.

and vicky was right in front of me watching the whole thing. quietly, of course. in fact, thinking back, i believe she might have been the one who asked for that second story.

later on that day was when i went to the well with the girls. we sang all the way there, them wanting to learn all of the songs our team had been teaching them. they loved the jungle song and would ask for it by saying "ooh ooh".

when we got to the well, and the smaller children were filling the jerry cans with water, we moved under the shade of a tree where vicky made a place for me to sit. they all stood around me, even some behind me, just to hear my songs.

those few glorious moments at the well are forever etched on my heart, for it was there that i began to see this soft, sweetness in vicky. she was a leader, i could see that. she would begin songs and lead the other girls in them. but she would also gently ask me to sing another. and another. and yet another! and for stories. and for recitations of acholi words she was teaching me.

how interesting that this young lady, so near a well full of water, would thirst for something else. reminds me of another woman at a well.

she wanted to be filled with something else. value, perhaps. love. care. time. something that would wash over her and renew her. something that would echo Jesus to her.

oh i hope i was able to give her that, for all i had with me to give her was me. i poured 'me' over her. gave her my attention and my time and my smiles and songs.

she taught me one of their songs, 'child of God', and we sang it over and over again. i can even hear her voice, kind of whispery and it would all but disappear if she sang too high.

then i taught them a song that we sang all the way back to camp. some of the other kids heard us singing and they wanted to learn it. then others on my team decided we needed to teach it to all of them! it became a favorite.

after that time at the well, it seemed i was never without at least one of those girls. but something special happened between vicky and me. when we were doing our ESL classes or bible stories, i would see her make room for me next to her on whatever bench she was sitting. her eyes would find me and i had a feeling she was always aware of where i was.

days later when it was time for them to load up in the vans and head out for the 3-week holiday from school, she was packed somewhere into the middle of the van. i was reaching in, holding hands with everyone and loving on them and saying goodbye. i had reached in, holding myself steady with one hand on the outside of a window. when i looked, she had placed her hand on mine from the inside. separated by glass but joined together by so much more. so much unsaid but entirely understood by the both of us.

i looked over at her and saw tears in her eyes.

this reserved, quiet, stoic young woman had tears in her eyes. they had learned not to cry. it was a lesson beaten into them. a lesson they learned by seeing first hand that when you cry you are killed. the LRA would not tolerate tears and would kill you themselves or force one of your peers or siblings to do it if they caught you crying. the ones who could turn that part of themselves off, would be the ones to survive.

vicky had stopped crying because it kept her alive. and now she had tears in her eyes.

my initial reaction was to think to myself, 'oh, my dear vicky. don't cry. please don't cry.'

but that didn't last long. because what those tears really meant is something sweet and beautiful. for they not only meant sadness to leave the village, and perhaps sadness to leave new friends, but also openness, healing, passion, feeling, a part of her coming back to life after so much horror and fright. those tears meant a new beginning, a new kind of life where she can have thoughts and feelings of her own and have that be ok. she can embrace every part of herself that is made in the image of a God who feels things, too.

those tears on the outside showed me that on the inside she is a young lady coming back to life. it reminds me of lyrics from a david crowder band song "what was said to the rose to make it unfold was said to me here in my chest." God is restoring her soul and the bigness and brightness of His love is opening her up like a flower in the sun.

oh how i pray that she continues to blossom and grow into the woman God has designed her to be. and i also pray that i get to watch that happen before my very eyes.

uganda, debrief

2010-08-23T13:00:00.000-05:00

after returning from uganda, i had an opportunity to share with the wonderful staff i get to work with about the trip. i knew i'd lose focus if i didn't have it written down, so i prepared it ahead of time. this is what i said:

first - i have greetings to give you, from the village of hope headmaster, the teachers and the rest of the staff, as well as the children. they all wished me to carry their greetings back to you.

the most difficult question for me to answer that i've already heard over and over is "how was it?" because that question cannot be answered quickly, lightly or most times without tears. this trip moved me. but then, how could it not?

the best way i've been able to sum it up for those fly-by questions is to simply say, "it was a God-encounter."

and it was.

his timing was impeccable. [this is where i explained what has been going on with the village. you may ask me about it personally but i won't be posting it here. thanks for understanding.]

so.. all of this going on while we were there, the children knowing and fearing the inevitable return to wherever 'home' would be for three weeks, we were able to help distract them with bible stories, games which they called "many funs" and a lot of songs, hugs, kisses and love. we also provided some much needed ESL classes. the children speak and mostly learn in the classroom by their native language, acholi. but their exams are all in english. imagine the difficulty.

so the timing of us being there and pouring ourselves into them was, apparently, just what they needed. God is good.

our team was amazing. we had bonded so neatly and tightly before we had even left that i felt like we were truly family. we were the embodiment of the concept of the body of Christ. where one of us lacked, the other had a strength. there were no quarrels, no conflicts, no feelings hurt. we were a single unit with a single focus. i've never experienced that before.

we laughed with each other. sometimes we laughed at each other. like when amy wondered why her chicken tasted so funny until she realized she ordered fish. and then she declared it good. the chicken and fish were in gulu. once on the land, it was pretty much beans N rice. a lot of people have wondered if i got sick of eating that every day or if i minded the lack of "certain facilities."

i did not mind the squatty potties. i didn't mind taking a bucket bath even if the water was cold. i didn't mind beans N rice for lunch and dinner every single day, i simply didn't tire of it. the one thing i missed and began to yearn for was to climb into bed with clean feet.

two of many learnings for me over there:

i was born american for a reason. i was born into this package of 'the challenge of more stuff', the drive for power, looking out for number one, the many benefits and freedoms. that package is the one God chose to bring me into and raise me up in. there is a reason for that and i want to use it the way God intended. i'm praying that God will use me in the package he gave me to serve him and give him all that he created me for. whatever that looks like.

the other thing i learned, or am learning, and this is a hard one for me, is that my time was probably the greatest gift i brought with me to give to them. just about at every turn we were being thanked for coming over and spending time with the children. and i just felt like it was a culture thing, being excessively thanked like that. i had a hard time grasping that truly the best thing we could do for these kids is spend time w/them.

they have been shunned by whatever relatives they have left, shunned by their communities, shunned by their villages.... after experiencing so much rejection like that, over and over... imagine then having someone you don't even know being willing spend time and money to travel across the globe to just walk with you to the well and sing songs about the Lord with you? imagine the value that you would begin to feel again. imagine starting to see how big God's love is for you, that he provide this team of strangers to love you and hug on you and tell you stories about God,... not just through their lessons in the classroom but also in the way they behave toward you and seem to just love you no matter why you have been rejected in the past? imagine.

and as i was just starting to get this into my big fat head, i was hearkened back to a sermon my dad preached when i was a child, it was titled "love is spelled t-i-m-e".

so, i am beginning to learn the value of time, and i pray i will become generous with it.

the girls that i connected so well with were about high school age [jon ewton if you are looking to multiply FUEL and add another campus, i have some suggestions]. they kept asking for me to sing songs and to write them in their notebooks we gave them.

i had sang every song i could think of and at the bottom of my song reservoir, upon more requests for a new one, all i could come up with was the one that goes.

oo ee oo ah ah
ting tang walla walla bing bang

they loved it. and wanted me to sing it for them over and over, while they tried to sing it as well, and count the words on their hands. i jokingly asked them what it meant and they stared at me. i told them the words were just sounds and didn't mean anything.

and so, it appears i traveled across the globe to pour my heart and time into these kids to teach them a song about nothing.

uganda, day 10

2010-08-15T15:03:00.002-05:00

breakfast and then down to the chapel for worship in song, scripture readings, a message, and encouragements from whomever wishes to speak.

we had thought that a few days prior we would be offering an encouragement to the kids, so i had something prepared in my other notebook. at the last minute, i'd torn it out and taken it with me to church. i'm glad i did, for my dear husband, when he moved to the front of the room to speak into the children's hearts, he called me up with him.

"trace and i don't have any kids at home," jon said, "but when we leave here, we will have 67 children." the kids and teachers smiled and applauded. jon got choked up. i almost lost it.

i opened my notes and informed the children that jon and i had written a blessing for them. as headmaster richard translated, i read,

grace, mercy and peace
from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord

we want to say to you that wherever you are that God is with you
we want to say to you that whatever you do the Father will give you power and strength
we want to say to you that whoever you befriend to preach the gospel

in the morning when your eyes open praise His holy name
in the evening when your head is set to rest give all the glory to God
in all that you do and through the day love the Lord your God

and we want to say to you that our Father in heaven knows you. he knows your name. and he loves with a love that has no end.

grace be with you.

it really was all i could do not to cry. but i made it!!

after services, any many more hugs and kisses and lovin's, the kids went back up to the change their clothes and prepare to leave. two vans had arrived and we still awaited a third.

we went up to send them off with embraces and smiles and songs. our hearts were torn in two on the inside, but on the outside we tried our best to conceal it. hugging and singing and holding hands, we waited for everything to be loaded and the kids to be piled into the vans, like sardines in a can. a sweltering can.

i held little nancy's hand and many many other's. as vicky reached for my hand, i saw tears forming in her eyes. this young lady, who at the beginning of our time at the village would barely speak or even look at us, was so sad to leave that she went against everything she was taught to survive and teared up. oh how sweet and fragrant those tears! for they not only meant sadness to leave the village, and perhaps sadness to leave new friends, but also openness, healing, passion, feeling, a part of her coming back to life after so much horror and fright from the LRA. those tears meant a new beginning, a new kind of life where she can have thoughts and feelings of her own and have that be ok.

it was time for them to go and we watched the vans leave the village carrying with them our hearts with these children. "take care of them, Father. they are precious."

once the vans were out of sight, i turned to debbie and we hugged. some tears came out, and i almost broke down. but i didn't. it was all i could do to maintain my composure.

but i knew God was with them. they were even singing praises to him, squished together in the van... they just sang! a few days prior during one of their morning prayer times, a few of us on our team that were present got to say a few words to the kids. i told them that the 'salvation bracelets' we made together weren't just for them to remember their journey in Christ, but was also for them to share with others. that they could use them to tell others about how to find Jesus Christ and about how he has saved them and pours his love out to them and that anyone could have this saving and loving.

and so it wasn't just children in that van heading out for three weeks to wherever home can possibly be for an orphan, but that they were also disciples of Jesus and they were being sent to spread the good news of the gospel to all who has ears to hear. how precious are their feet who carry such good news!

God speed, sweet children. my prayers pour over you!

uganda, day 9

2010-08-14T14:57:00.000-05:00

prayers. singing. laughing. bonding. loving. giving. being.

the children are my heart's delight and i seek to fill every moment of my day with their hugs and smiles and closeness.

with rose's direction we fill food bags for each child to take home with them during their school holiday. the bags contain rice, beans, flour and sugar.

we work tirelessly as it is our joy to provide for these children in whatever we can.

i join some of the gals in the chapel for worship rehearsal. the children get to choose the songs and determine which order they will be in. it is amazing to watch the unity and giving nature of these kids.

then we practice the songs and i learn some of their acholi lyrics. ipore rwot ipore - the Lord is worthy, worthy of praise! in keni, yesu, in keni - you are the one, true God.

the kids gather at our camp and we pose for photos and then look at them, pose, look, pose, look. i'm just enjoying being surrounded by the children. their openness to each of us is unequaled as of yet in my lifetime.

goodnights, hugs, kisses. for tomorrow is church. and tomorrow is the day they return to the camps or relatives for a 3 week holiday from school. the difficulty of this transition is apparent on some of their faces, regardless of their attempts at brevity.

uganda, day 8

2010-08-13T14:53:00.001-05:00

end of school term ceremonies

headmaster richard, teachers, nurse and dave spoke words of encouragement to the children, with sidenotes of thanks to us.

then the kids danced, judith took me to dance the one dance that cindy likes so much. it is a bonding dance between two women friends.

jon also did a dance. judith selected him as her husband and he indicated he was pleased with her dance. i believe he is married now. heeh.

the kids got to drink a soda and have a package of bisquits (cookies). what little they have!!

they honored us with big chairs and getting served refreshments first (thank you joyce and vicky).

we believed that the children would not be having prayer that night, but really the case was that they wouldn't be having it at the schoolhouse. i was almost in bed when i heard children's voices. i went outside to hear it better, standing in my pj's. amy asked if i wanted to go to the kids houses and sit outside and listen to them. YES!!

we walked up and sat on the edge of the first porch we came to. we saw boys playing in the dark. one of them tried to scare us. hah. then two figures meandered near. "you are welcome," i said and my dear nancy approached. in the barely audible voice that i've come to know and love, i was invited to prayer.

it was muggy and barely lit in the room. only one oil lantern. but the room was filled to overflowing with children. no mats, no honorable seats for the visitors, just all of us jumping, singing, praising, praying.

a voice during prayer was growling and dark, it was earnest and as loud as i've ever heard their voices get. was this my nancy? with the voice so gentle i have to put my ear to her mouth to hear? was this her, crying out to God with the pain in her voice practically visible in that dim room?

ended prayers with "we are one family", many hugs and kisses and goodnights and tomorrows.

uganda, day 7

2010-08-12T14:50:00.001-05:00

the days begin to blend. i've stopped referring to days by dates but rather by an event that happens within it.

cindy led the devotional this morning. what she has done for these children is nothing short of a miracle. how does she leave each time?

stella and some others came to her hut to say goodbye. or rather to appeal to her to come back sooner than the 5 weeks she had already communicated. "1 week" is all stella would say. aside from "i miss you."

after program, the kids went back for lunch. i meandered over there myself after eating lunch with the team.

watched gloria iron for a while. patricia sitting patiently by as she waited for her turn.

some of the older girls were taking jugs to the well and took my hand as they went by. so... uh... i went. we sang walking there - them wanting to learn our songs. once there, we stood under a tree while the younger kids drew water and filled the jugs.

they made a place for me to sit (always thinking of others!) and asked for a story and for me to teach them more songs. they quizzed me on acholi words and taught me on their songs. i loved it! they made me sing it by myself.

they sang to me and called me mama trace. i, of course, being ever the stoic, cried.

"don't cry," i heard from the gentlest voices.

then i happened upon a winning song that i pulled from the recesses of my brain as i was fresh out of ideas. they absolutely loved it, singing it over and over, and counting the words on their fingers.

oo ee oo ah ah
ting tang walla walla bing bang
oo ee oo ah ah
ting tang walla walla bing bang

it was wonderful to connect with these older girls.

earlier when a group of us were sitting in a circle on the grass, they wanted a story. i told them about meeting jon. but then i also told them about my dad baptizing me but that now he is in heaven. i cried. i think perhaps that softened their hearts to me.

one or two of them would walk holding my hand as we returned to their houses. after that afternoon, we were often found walking together.

after lunch the kids said goodbye to cindy, chris and maddie.

uganda, day 6

2010-08-11T14:39:00.002-05:00

awoke at first light, took my journal close to the kid's rooms. heard them singing about what is to be found in the blood of the Lord: wisdom, knowledge, healing, power, forgiveness, protection, praise, care, cleanses.

went over to one of the houses and sat in the back where the 'stove' is. talked with the house mom and some of the kids. they were teaching me more words.

a rooster cock-a-doodle-do'ed right behind me making me jump a little. i turned around and said to it, "i como ber." they laughed at me. i will probably be forever remembered as the white girl who says good morning to roosters.

later i was singing with the kids. i was trying to learn their songs, but they kept interrupting with the jungle song. fine. we'll sing the jungle song. over and over and over again.

then they went into school and we ventured to the nile and got 3 canoes to take all of us across and back.

at one point in the back of the truck, i saw a field full of papyrus plants.

little kids running, smiling, waving just for us. one little boy ran and waved with both hands. too bad he needed one of those hands to keep his pants up. oops.

lots of time in the classroom. taught about being born again. made butterflies.

nancy is so gentle - they all are! but she is quieter than most. her look finds me at every turn and i am a moth to her flame.

they all ask us to write notes or our names or song lyrics in their notebooks. i must be ready to write a lot tomorrow. listening to david crowder band in preparation.

bought some tie dye and asunta tied one of them on my head.

also, tonight we danced. robert owns me as he now has footage of me picking out an african husband.

i also danced with judith, my african sister. she knows amazing grace. i think i'd like to send her a hymnal.

singing prayers and then hugging and kissing and saying goodnight over and over is fabulous. i am theirs!

uganda, day 5

2010-08-10T14:38:00.000-05:00

the sound of their prayers - buzzing, alighting the air, en masse, i wonder how it smells to God?

their sincerity in worship is a big, fat lesson to us comfortable christians for their hearts are poured out and surrendered to Christ. it is what they can cling to.

the kids loved looking at my photos. one of them wanted the book but i told her she could have one. others took one as well.

our ESL/crafts felt scattered, but they enjoyed it. especially the jungle song.

at prayer again. ah-maz-ing. their worship is true, heartfelt, real, raw, from their depth.

more hugs and goodnights.

uganda, day 4

2010-08-09T14:33:00.001-05:00

on the drive to village of hope, we stopped so rose could buy some chickens. that woman was in command! they loaded several live chickens into a box and put the box on the roof of the van. and we toted those chickens to the village to be used for dinner.

finally, we make it to the village. finally here.

the kids are in school when we arrive so we get into our huts, get a brief tour of the grounds and have lunch. the children walked through the camp on the way up to their houses. we shook hands and smiled.

they changed out of their uniforms and we joined them on the playing field. most boys played football. most girls blew bubbles we brought.

eventually we started a game of ball - when we threw it to someone we had to say their name. a great way to learn their names... repetition!

brenda picked up on our names right away!

then a game of football started and we had to move to the side. a bunch of us just sat in the grass beyond one of the goals. all the other gals on my team have wonderfully braidable hair. so while they were undergoing their salon styling, i sat looking on. until finally i heard this gentle whisper voice. "oom"

little nancy had settled beside me and decided to start teaching me acholi. i was left unbraided, but pelted with acholi words. and i loved it!

they would laugh at me saying the word for neck. it wasn't until the very last day when i finally received the nod indicating i'd said it right.

vicky knew a lot of english.

it grew dark and we shook hands to say goodnight. the kids went up to their houses and we gathered around a campfire for dinner and to share stories.

later the kids began to tromp down again to the schoolhouse for evening prayer. cindy let us go with them.

in the classroom, we helped them read english, they taught us acholi. then they prayed. or sang. or both. it's the same thing!!

"i will no more suffer"

we got to introduce ourselves and point to our state on the U.S. map. they blessed us and welcomed us.

then we sang. it was a song we would sing at the end of every prayer time together, "we are one family, we are one family, we are one family, in Jesus' name."

this time we got some hugs instead of just handshakes. we walked back to the camp singing that song. i am pretty sure i fell asleep with a smile on my face.

uganda, day 3

2010-08-08T14:28:00.002-05:00

sunday. we attended an english-speaking african church. found out later that the pastor is rose's cousin. seriously, who isn't related to rose?

after the message one of the elders got up and talked about how ugandans need to lift up uganda and that they were born ugandan for a reason and to step up and do what they can to make their country better. it dawned on me... if they are ugandan for a reason... i am american for a reason.

we got to take communion!! usually it falls on the first sunday of the month but for some reason they couldn't do it the week before. that was a treat getting to participate in that.

lunch was fish fillet with chips. amy thought her chicken tasted weird until she remembered she ordered fish. debbie blessed all of us during lunch with one thing she liked about each of us. neat.

changed out of our sunday clothes and went to another camp. this time i laid eyes on and absolutely fell in love with a girl in a turquoise dress. held some children. Father, let me love them as you do.

a woman interrupted our singing, running over yelling and dancing, hugging or shaking hands with us. the kids all laughed and eventually she was gently led away. she had been formerly abducted and her mouth had been cut leaving her with severe scars. they had also given her aids.

what do i do with that if i can't change it? how do i respond?

cuddled with many children.

leaving the camps gets harder and harder.

once back, those playing volleyball left. us ladies walked, shopped, bonded. we bought an avocado. the girl in the stall where we bought it kept giggling. i wonder if it was all she could manage in light of these muzungas buying fruit from her.

at dinner i could barely eat. my full heart became so big it squished my stomach into a tiny corner of me so that i could only put a few morsels in.

i journaled for a bit instead. tomorrow we go to the village of hope land.

a prayer...

my hands are so small but what they can do, may it be done in service of the one who made them and gave them their purpose.

please may i be an agent of change. may i help? may i?

i don't want to come here to be entertained or coddled, but may i carry God's love, God's truth and hope to those who are without it.

everything i am, all i'm from and am about, may it be used to its full for the kingdom of my Father.

whether i'm called american, woman, white, christian, bookworm, techie, weepy. one small girl.

may it all be used.

how do i fit into this mysterious puzzle, this challenge called uganda? what is my place with acholi children - dear orphans? they don't need some muzunga who's particular about her hair. they need safety and truth. protection. a future. parents. love.

they need God among them.

can i really be used to make that happen? is there a place for me in that puzzle? is it prayer? funding? or time, self, energy, relationship? is that in the picture?

how? what do you, Father, what from me? call me!! i will give it.

draw my spirit into you. let me abide in you, for that is my resting place. that is the source of my strength, my brevity, my call, my heart, my life.

who am i but your servant, Lord? call me. use me. claim me.

that girl - the one in the turquoise dress - she seized me. i am drawn into her and want with a kind of desperation her joy, her childhood, her success. may she know she is special and loved and unique and dear. may she look to you and say, you bless me with your love. you are the giver of life and all things good. it is you and you alone that sends kindness into the world. may she be captured by you, hope-fully devoted to you! give her you, Lord, all of you.

may the village of hope kids recognize your love in our smiles, your sacrifice and strength in our presence and embrace. may they see you in their presence through our goofy attempts to care and relate. may you and you alone receive the glory, the fame, the accolades.

guide my steps, my Father, teach me your voice, light each step.

i am yours, to do with and use as you wish.

uganda, day 2

2010-08-07T14:10:00.001-05:00

staying at the hotel florida in gulu.

breakfast was a spanish omlette (if you ordered your eggs scrambled you didn't get served... right renee?), toast w/butter and jam, fresh banana, coffee and passion fruit juice.

the shower was a warm drizzle. but it was warm! it wasn't a separate little room like we are used to. it was simply a pipe along the wall of the small bathroom, then piped halfway across the ceiling and there was the shower head. the bathroom was the shower.

we had devotion as a team then loaded into the van. this time we had rose, asunta, jeff and charles, our skilled and fearless driver who literally crafted us into the first camp. we learned later that this camp was the only one where the village of hope beads are made.

as soon as the van door opened, connor and careenna were off playing with kids. they were just... gone.

on a tarp under a tree sat some older children beading necklaces. these were the village of hope kids. the camps contain all kinds of people, but only specific ones are cared for under the village of hope organization. rose is the one who finds the children, orphaned and usually a former abductee of the LRA. in some camps you could tell the difference between them and the others, by their countenance, their cleanliness.

feeling shy and unsure, i took off my flip flops and sit on the tarp next to a gal of about 14. her name is janet. quietly, she hands me a strand of the necklace she is making and shows me how to bead. before we left that day, we had made three necklaces together.

someone remarked how well the kids worked together and rose said it was because we were there. hmm... some things are global, i guess.

we asked their names and ages, but while answers were given, many ages are really unknown as are birthdates.

after a while, the kids gathered and sang to us. normally there are drums to accompany them but the kids with the drums were at a celebration so were unable to join us and provide a beat.

after their wonderful performance, we got up and sang two of our songs and introduced ourselves. rose had them repeat our names. she is so very good with the children.

mindee had found a friend that day - a baby girl with no diaper. she remained cradled in mindee's arms nearly the whole time we were there and cried when we left.

as soon as we boarded the van rose passed out a snack for all of us - a bag of potato crisps. as we pulled away, kids followed us out, smiling, waving, holding out their hand for our snack. asunta got onto them for asking for our food.

as we pulled away i felt like... i didn't do anything. i mean i listened and laughed and sat next to janet and made a point of saying goodbye to her. i gave them my time, but it didn't feel like enough.

headed to lunch at diana gardens. buffet style: rice, beans, mashed banana, posho, something that seemed like spinach but wasn't, potatoes. i had my second of what would turn out to be many stoneys. a ginger beer that i fell in love with.

before eating, i washed my hands. there was a huge bucket with a spigot at the bottom and some soap sitting on the top of it. that would be the kind of 'sinks' we would use for the whole of the trip. other than the baby wipes and purell, of course.

after lunch we went to the place they do the tie dye. the fabrics were beautiful! we take off our shoes and enter. the tiny room had tarp over the floor. it was hot. the smell of the dye and of the sweat and heat mixed to a delicious, heady aroma.

the women worked with practically no words. they knew what to do, they knew how to work with and around one another, it could be done with only the slightest amount of communication. silent camaraderie. with babies tied to their backs they tie, band or wrap fabric. then they bring in the water they've boiled outside, pour it into shallow bowls that contain dye and some powder.

as we were leaving i saw a pile of seeds on the other end of the porch. it was sim sim (sesame) and they were left there to dry in the sun.

onto the next camp. we were greeted by the village of hope kids singing to us before we got out of the van. then they moved into the middle of the huts and sang and danced around drummers. asunta asked if we wanted to dance with them. why not? so we joined.

my neck didn't move like theirs did. asunta was behind me and kept saying, move your neck like this. i didn't know what like this was, but it apparently never made it over to me.

a few songs were performed in rows and we sat and watched. the team leader helped the kids. they did a whole presentation of songs, memory verses and a drama "God is with me."

then they sat while we performed our two songs, introduced ourselves and presented a bible story. then they danced more while we sat and watched them. a child sat in my lap. aww. :)

as we left, they shook our hands and bowed slightly. they kept waving and waving.

back at hotel florida, halft of us went with asunta to play volleyball (she is on a team and plays nightly). the rest of us (debbi, renee, chris, mindee and me) walked around gulu. we stopped in at the internet cafe but since the connection was very slow we opted to come back later.

sat outside the hotel for a while taking in the city, the smells, the sights, and journaled. it rained.

i mentioned to chris how i'd felt about not doing anything. she said that just us being there with a kid on my lap or singing to them was a blessing to them. i scratched my head. did not compute.

uganda, day 1

2010-08-06T13:46:00.000-05:00

i knew i was going to love uganda before ever leaving the airport...

in entebbe. shared a room with careenna at the sophie motel. we both woke up very early but thought the other was asleep so remained respectfully quiet. i spent this time praying and thinking. around 5:30 we started talking, sharing, giggling.

i could hear others stirring in rooms near us, and then begin talking.

we heard a bird and i said "our first african songbird!" later i asked renee if she heard it and she said, you mean the rooster? when i said no she asked if i had heard her snoring. "no, renee, you are not the african songbird." LOL!

i confessed my meat-mares to careenna who cracked up over them. i learned that she sings in the shower. beautifully, i might add.

connor, careenna, amy, robert and i went out to look over the rooftop. we saw a baboon and named him phillip.

at breakfast i met a couple from london. the girl had spent 3 months away, 1 of which was spent volunteering at an orphanage. the guy had just come with her. he visited the orphanage with her one day and talked about how eye-opening it was. looking forward to the village where i hope my eyes are opened wide.

we met asunta. she was to become our 'guide' for the next few days. we got to talk on the ride to gulu and i learned that her given name was african for "God is not good." her parents had wanted a boy. girls cost their fathers money and she is the youngest of five of them. so her parents were disappointed to find that she was another girl. her christian name, asunta, comes from the word ascension. much better.

the van ride was long, taxing and marvelous! we passed villages and huts and many people. it seemed we were never alone along those roads, no matter how remote they felt.

i loved waving at the children and seeing their bright smiles.

i was pretty beat. most people slept leaned over onto the back of the seat in front of them, but i was in the jump seat so i dozed a little sitting up.

we stopped and had chicken and chips. well, i only had chips. :) at the market, mindee tried to buy razors and annoyed the cashier - apparently she was supposed to know how much they were. and connor tried to walk in with a bottle of water only to be asked to 'check it in' around the corner where he received a claim ticket to retrieve it when we were done shopping.

asunta offered to open our bottles of soda, which she did. with her teeth!

on the van ride we played "never have i ever." asunta won with "never have i ever used a camera," to which connor immediately responded by placing his own in her hands and instructing her to click it.

and i was introduced to what would be beverage of choice while i was there. a stoney. it's like a root beer, but made of ginger. mmmm!!

finally made it to gulu, our home for the next two nights.

at dinner we met rose. finally. rose! her sweet spirit radiated from her. dinner was delish: beans, rice, potatoes, posho, baby eggplant. yum!

later we went to an ice cream shop called cafe larem and met gus and heather from l.a. they also do some work for village of hope. what a blessing to meet others with a heart for the children. i enjoyed getting to know a little about them.

room for them all

2010-08-01T12:28:00.001-05:00

if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. isaiah 58:10.

every time i turn around i am hearing or singing or reading about caring for others as a service to God. that his love is so abounding and so great that when you are the donor of it then you cannot help yourself but to spend yourself to give it to others. these thoughts, and our trip to the village of hope in uganda where we will care for and love on orphans, is beginning to transform me. it's reached right down into me, into my inner parts, and is starting to change me. because this is what i dreamed last night:

we had a family living with us (no surprise there, i guess), we also had a gal that worked for us in our house. this gal came to me to tell me there was a young woman at my door. she was a battered wife. and she had no place to stay. i invited her in and looked past her down the road and there three more.

my employee asked if they could all stay and i told her we would find room. we would find room for them all. so she went to get them settled.

later she found me in the kitchen and explained that the place that used to take in women who were battered had closed its doors for good. i became so grieved over this that i wept bitterly. "where will they go?"

i asked how these women had heard of us - how did they know we would take them in? i don't remember getting an answer but i knew i would find room for them all.

then a man came into the house and he was looking for one of the young ladies. i understood he was her husband. i told him he could not enter my house without my permission. he didn't budge at first - insisting on seeing his wife. i finally had to yell at him. scream to him to leave the house. when he finally did, i turned to my employee and said, "we have to find a safe place for these women." and so we decided to find some land to build a secure place where we would have room for them all.

we looked at a map and found where we lived. i pointed to our place and said, "it looks like we live on mission island." she said, "yes."

[isn't that funny? mission island?]

i told her we would travel to the main part of the island and find some land. we went 'downtown' and there was a mission there. then i was in a store with my mom and she pointed to some pencils because we wanted to purchase school supplies for the children, but i told her not to get those ones, "we can get them for less money somewhere else, and we will have more money left over for other things."

and so, it appears, that this trip and God's mission he has given us has been swirling about in my thoughts so much that i am even answering this call while i'm asleep.

when i woke up this morning and prayed, i asked God that i would wake up to his praise and that praising him would be so much on my heart that i would fall asleep with the utterance of it on my lips. and during worship today we sang a song about God's praise.

i want my life and my response to his call to simply be just one more song of praise of the God who has saved me and made me alive... truly alive. with this life you have given me, may i praise you.

wisdom

2010-07-01T17:51:00.001-05:00

i want to be wise. i seek to be wise. i call out for it and desire it. has it worked?

i cannot say if i really am 'wise' or if i am not, but i can say that i am wise-'er' than i have ever been before. and it is 100% attributable to God. how do i know this? because...

i value wisdom

when king david died and his son, solomon, took the throne, solomon had a dream. in this dream, God came to him and asked him what He could do for solomon.

solomon told God that here he is, the king over God's people, and yet he doesn't know how to 'come in' or 'go out' in front of them. he felt lost, like he just didn't know how to reign well.

so he asked for wisdom.

and God told him that because he didn't ask for wealth or power or for his enemies to be crushed, that he would grant him his request. and not only grant it but make him wiser than anyone has ever been before or since. dangit!

and then!... God also said that because he asked for wisdom instead of all those other things, that he would also give him all those other things. he gave him wealth and power and crushed his enemies.

there's a takeaway in there somewhere.

if desiring wisdom to live out the purpose God has called you to is that important to God that he would do all that for solomon just for asking for it, then it must carry a very high value. regard it as such.

i seek wisdom

i was trying to read through proverbs a few years ago, but i kept getting snagged at proverbs 2 and just kept re-reading it like i was stuck in a loop or something. i was mesmerized by the idea of seeking after wisdom - of searching for it as though it were a lost coin.

now if you're anything like me, if you've misplaced a five dollar bill you will tear the house apart looking for it. and then if you don't find it, you tear the house apart again. and i will not give up until i have recovered that five dollar bill.

i thought about 'tearing the house apart' seeking wisdom. imagine the diligence and the focus you would put into the search. it would consume your thoughts until you found it. and then you would hang onto it. check every once in a while to make sure it is still there. guard it. care for it. and if you spent it you would do so with much thought and intentionality.

i pray for wisdom

for the Lord gives wisdom. it says so, right there in verse six. well, then, if he is the one who gives it, then i guess i oughta be seeking it from him.

i'm reading some chapters in john right now to prepare for our mission trip to uganda and in chapters 15 and 16 it says that if you ask anything in Jesus' name the Father will give it. the way i see it, wisdom falls under the category of 'anything'.

if i am wiser now than i have ever been it is because i have asked God to give me his wisdom. and if i ask it in Jesus' name the Father will give it to me [so that i will bear fruit. and that pleases God].

you want wisdom? go to the wisdom maker and the wisdom giver.

i pray out loud for wisdom

i believe there is power in the spoken word. after all, God didn't 'think' the world into existence, he spoke it.

and verse three says to 'call out' and to 'raise your voice' for understanding. and in verse six it says that knowledge and understanding come out of the Lord's mouth.

there just seems to be some power there in saying it out loud.

i put wisdom in its place

while wisdom is highly valued and we are encouraged to ask for it. it will not keep us on the right path. it's what we do with it.

solomon wrote in ecclesiastes how vain everything in life was without God. everything. he was so wise that he got that. like, really got it.

and yet later, he had ashterah poles erected to please one/some of his wives because of her religion. and God, of course, got angry. wouldn't you? if someone pledged to love you and you alone and then you find out they've put 'worship poles' up of someone else? well, that's what solomon did to God. whether his heart was in it or not, that's what he did.

that tells me that even after all this wisdom that solomon had (more than anyone else before him or since), and even though it was the kind of wisdom that gave him great perspective on the vain pursuits of life without God, it wasn't enough. it didn't guard his heart.

we aren't 'done' when we get wisdom. our pursuit of a godly life doesn't stop because we receive a gift along the way. we keep pursuing!

and just because we've got some smarts, doesn't mean we are no longer subject to temptation. in fact i would venture to guess that we may be subject to further attacks because we are now a greater threat to our enemy. it's why the king is always a primary target in a war - because he is the greatest threat to his enemy. it's why chess isn't over when a pawn is taken.

value the wisdom, seek it, in prayer, out loud. but remember to further value and seek and clamor out loud for the one who created and gives wisdom.

i guess i said all of that to say this: if i can be considered wise at all, i want you to know where i go to get it. you have the same access to wisdom as me. but keep a steady mind about you, because it's not all about the wisdom but what you do with it that counts.

the BBQ in tweets

2010-06-29T09:45:00.002-05:00

take a chicken. cut off its head. let it run around. that is what i resembled the morning of the BBQ.

praying, Lord, please just let this be a success in your eyes, and let me not measure it with my own 'success-stick' for fear of it falling it terribly short. let it be just as you want it to be.

it is dang hot out here. can someone turn the A/C up outside? and yes, i AM cooling off the whole neighborhood. heeh.

a few guests arrive and we haven't prayed yet. eeps! finding a private spot outside to pray over the event. some of our guests end up in the prayer circle. thank you, friends.

we have an 'info hub' set up right as people come in. it consisted of four laptops showing the Village of Hope website, a Village of Hope video, the VOH facebook page and the jonandtrace facebook page. we've also got some copies of my mission letter and a place to drop donations. a lot of people seem very interested in finding out more about what we are embarking on.

the grillin' guys bring in the first of the burgers and dogs and kevin blakely prays a blessing over the food and our time together. the loading of the plates begins!

we put on a video of village of hope on the big screen tv so people can learn more about it while they eat.

jon and i take turns greeting people at the door, making sure they have a ticket* and giving them a brief tour of where to find things. it was great to be able to see people as they came in, i just wish i had more time with everyone.

*the tickets are given out, one to each family, for several drawings we had during the evening. some wonderful folks donated items for us to give away:

• two 1-hr massages
• one 1-hr personal training session
• 1 dinner for four prepared in the winner's home by deborah
• 1 room painted (winner supplies the paint) by damon
• a framed photograph - jon's handiwork
• a framed drawing - grethel's handiwork
• 2 wire-frame beaded crosses made by lynde
• 1 bracelet made by sue
• several bracelets made by jo

it seemed like whoever won an item, that it was a perfect fit between winner and item. i was so pleased to see people getting to benefit with these generous gifts. i wish everyone could have won something!

the chicken with no head running around? yeh, that's still me. grateful, though, for my family who is helping to care for the details so i can hobnob and talk with our guests.

then a very special guest walked in. someone i hadn't seen since the late 80s. someone who lived with us for a while. someone whom i call 'brother'. it was an unexpected delightful surprise and, yes, i cried.

answering questions about village of hope and the children there. one person was very concerned for our safety and talked about the many dangers there. i replied, not for the first time, "yes. imagine how those children must feel." Father, may i never put my safety above obedience, may fear never paralyze me from serving you. may i prefer death and ridicule and tidal waves over staying too close to the shore you've called me away from. and Father, may i never choose safely resting outside of your will over serving you, regardless of any peril or pain that awaits me.

i looked around me. these are my dear friends, my loved ones, who care about me and care about this ministry we are sent on. God bless them all as they bless me by simply being a part of my life.

finally a chance to grab a veggie burger. i get through a third of it. called away to greet more guests.

a few more drawings. a few more winners.

i am introduced to tam's friend who is sponsoring a child in africa - she showed me some pictures. she sent him money for his birthday and he used it to buy a goat. this goat provides much needed dairy products for his whole family. i think about what i spend my own money on.

i'm trying to visit with everyone. i know i missed getting to sit with some of them. "please forgive me! i love you and am delighted you came!"

some of my friends there are going on a mission trip of their own this summer. i know they have their own funds to raise, so them being there and contributing to our trip means all the more to me.

the evening is winding down and we give away the last door prize. hugs, kisses and farewells at the door. i turn around to survey the cleaning up to be done. my eyes land on a basket full of envelopes. each envelope contains a gift toward this mission and a story of its own. my heart has growing pains.

i finally finish my partially eaten veggie burger.

it is just family and a couple of dear friends left. we sit outside and sip on some wine and talk and laugh and drown in the goodness of one another's company.

i update my facebook profile status: i have blessings bigger than my heart can hold. they overflow.

the BBQ that i fretted over seemed like it was just as God had intended it to be. i felt honored to be a part of it. what did i do to deserve such great friends? nothing. it is a gift from God that cannot be earned, only treasured. and treasure it i shall. i see all of your faces. i recall our words and the smiles we shared that day, and i treasure it all.

thank you.

i wish i could say it better than that. grander than that. to really get my feelings out on the page. but... i guess more really isn't better. hah. so... thank you.

we have less than $800 to raise. but greater than that,... we are marinating in God's goodness and your friendships.

unexpectations

2010-06-26T09:29:00.003-05:00

i smell brownies. a huge batch of them were baked and cooled last night and i'm finishing up with the rest of them now.

they're for the BBQ. a fundraiser event jon and i are having this evening to raise support for our mission to village of hope, uganda.

it's hard to concentrate as chocolatey wafts of brownie pass under my nose. so tempting.

where was i?

the BBQ. this has been a challenge of faith for me, this BBQ. i know, right?,.. it's a BBQ!!!

but it's been so much more than that.

when we first received some wonderful items that were donated to be raffled off, we looked into the whole raffle idea and concluded that we cannot, legally, hold a raffle. so we prayed together about it and no sooner had we amen'd than we had thought, let's have a BBQ to raise funds and give these donated items away as door prizes.

so i called my mom and asked her for some guidance - she's so good at stuff like that - and the next thing we knew we were planning this thang.

as an aside, my family was so great - very supportive, very generous. they always are. and i just wanted to put this out there publicly and thank them from my whole heart.

we invited everyone we knew. and some people we didn't (my bro and sis invited their friends, too). but as we tracked the "yes's" the numbers just weren't there. and i began to get discouraged. i thought, 'is God not behind this?'

and i prayed [and worried] for the BBQ attendance to grow.

then i checked again. and although the yes's still didn't amount to much, the maybe's were over 50. what do i do with that? how do i know how much food to get with over 50 maybe's?

back to the praying board.

here's the thing, though. i was counting on the numbers to be there (pardon the pun). i wanted to see God be so big in the BBQ that we would fill the house to overflowing.

but what if God's idea of success for this was that someone would learn about God, or draw closer to him? what if the 'numbers' were in moments of belief or raised awareness of orphans?

what if this BBQ has nothing whatsoever to do with uganda or village of hope or even *gasp* me... but that it was fashioned by God to reach out to someone in a way they needed to be reached out to and they come to know Christ as their Lord and their Savior. would it be worth it to me then to have 8 people at a BBQ where someone becomes a citizen of Heaven? ...YES!

then why, oh why have i been troubled by something so menial? i guess i just needed to know that God has his hand in it.

so i asked for forgiveness for such little faith. i asked God to help me to rely fully on him. and to be obedient to him no matter what the outcome appeared to be. and every time i started to doubt or worry, i would ask God to remove it from me.

then... unexpectedly, yesterday aka the day before the BBQ!!... i heard from a friend of mine. she asked if we'd gotten drinks yet because she just received coupons that will get 11 free 12-packs of soda. "i'll take them!" i said. and immediately realized that God's hand is, indeed, in this. and in ways i didn't imagine them to be.

maybe, as i took the first few painful steps to let all of my silly worries behind me, God decided to reward me with some assurance and so let forth a small display of his control and concern. he provided in a way i never though he would: sodas. i thought it would be in the numbers.

silly me.

so as i continue to try and let God do his thang and i try and stay out of it until he directs me, i am in delightful expectation of seeing how else he is going to creatively provide - in ways i don't expect and cannot possible imagine.

Father - i believe in you. please forgive my unbelief.

gracious sinners

2010-06-02T16:41:00.001-05:00

it seems that all around me lately are situations where someone was responsible for someone else's "stuff" and something happened to that "stuff" but the someone responsible had trouble owning up to it to the someone else.

cryptic, i know. but for the sake of those i love dearly and wish to protect that's all you get.

it's really gotten me to thinking - what keeps us from admitting a wrong, even when it's an accidental wrong? what is so difficult about owning up to a mistake? why do we have such a hard time saying i'm sorry?

we act like we are frightened to death to appear to anyone anything less than perfect. but who are we kidding? we all know that we make mistakes and we all know that people are going to know we make mistakes whether we admit it to them or not. so if we are already seen in the very light we dread, what's the point of hiding it?

why don't we man up to it rather than hide what is already obvious?

i think we are a generation of avoiders. it seems we fear the discussion so much that we determine it's better not to have it. but what is to fear? looking bad? we've already established that no one knows we are perfect. people's reactions, then?

someone came to me in tears telling me of some trouble they were having with friends of theirs but they didn't want to tell them about it because "they knew - they just knew - that their friends would blow up in anger and yell and take the opposite side and... " (the fear went on and on.) it turned out that they had already had the discussion in their mind and had created an entire scenario that was the worst they could imagine and then they convinced themselves that their imagined response was exactly how it was going to play out.

we talked about it. we prayed about it. and then they finally decided they would have that conversation even if it resulted in their worst fear.

guess what.

it went great!! and everything was smoothed over and in the end my friend was thanked for bringing the issue out in the open because they had no idea that my friend was feeling this way.

the imagined scenario never happened!

my friend wallowed in and tortured themselves with something that wasn't even real.

i've been on both ends of the problem. i know the fear. but i also know what it feels like to have someone avoid me. and oh!.. the thoughts and feelings that result from being avoided. things like...

"i don't matter to my friend." only my friend matters to my friend. their self-perception (which we all see right through, including them) is more important than our friendship.

"my friend has no faith in me." they believe me to be a monster who will no longer care for them because i place my "stuff" above them.

"my friend has no [or limited] faith in God." they believe God can handle any problem except this one or that he can only cover the easy stuff.

"i am being punished." i no longer get to enjoy my friend's company because they don't want to be around me for fear of the issue coming out in the open.

i think you get the idea. and i'm sure you could probably add to the list. we've all been there.

and hey - maybe there are people out there who will play right into our imagined scenarios and become the very monster we fear. but i think most of us are kind, decent folk who prefer an honest admission over ...silence.

i think when someone is willing to appear as imperfect as they really are - it heaps integrity upon them. i think it displays their trust in God that if they humble themselves then he will honor them.

i think we are somehow misled into thinking that character is more about succeeding well rather than mistaking well.

when someone avoids - they come across as sneaky. deceitful. i'm sorry - but they do. we do. i'm guilty. i've been there.

but when someone steps up and takes ownership - they come across as honest and as someone with integrity... someone who is willing to take a pride-hit in order to do the right thing. man oh man do i wanna be that kind of person.

i want people to look at me and say, "that's a woman whose faith is in the Lord. she knows he will protect her and bless her for doing the right thing even if that means doing the hard thing. who is this God and how do i get in on that?"

7/7 addition: check out this blog post at donmilleris.com - a great chaser! :)

send a girl to africa, that's my motto

2010-06-01T19:22:00.006-05:00

it seems to me that God delights in delighting us. i think he loves it when we pray for a solution so he can show us how he will provide in ways we didn't even consider.

i was asking God for help to come up with the funding for the mission he called us to in africa. i believe that if he's asked us to go there, he's going to pave the way to get there. so i asked him to do just that.

i was ready for my car to take another beating, but this time he used people in our lives we didn't expect in a totally [seemingly] random solution that was the furthest thing from our minds.

see, we were getting a massage. (i know, right? answered prayer on a massage table?)

and we were telling our wonderful masseuses about us going to the village of hope in uganda this summer, and about the kids and what they've been through, and about how God has provided some of our travel immunizations for free, etc. and we got onto the topic of raising support.

and out of the blue, they each offered to donate a one hour massage we could give away in hopes of helping raise awareness of our need for donations for the trip. we would have fallen off our tables had we not already been rubbed into them. i remember being suddenly quiet and thinking, "trace! don't be rude - say something!" but i was in such shock at their generosity and willingness to offer it that i was simply speechless.

jon and i were giddy.

a few days later we started thinking and praying through how we would use their offer to raise awareness and i thought - i'd better call them to verify. i don't want to get the details wrong and take advantage of their generosity.

and when i talked to one of them, they upped the offer and said, i'll also throw in a 1-hour personal training session. i was stunned again and said - thank you. thank you! i am blown away by your generosity. and she said,

hey! send a girl to africa, that's my motto.

so there you have it. two wonderful, unsuspecting people in our lives, suddenly in the vortex of an answer to prayer to send a girl [and her husband] to africa. God chose them to be a part of a plan that is bigger than any of us. and they complied. they joined in.

i'm so blessed in so many ways regarding this trip that i can hardly portray it here. suffice it to say... i believe in You, Lord! for your provision and your creativity and for the answers you have stored up just waiting for me to pray for them so you can rain them down on us. i believe in what this mission stands for: showing the love of your son, Jesus Christ, to a nation who is desperate for him. and i, in my own desperation, get to play a part in that mission. i believe in you - that if you call me there, you will send this girl to africa.

i believe.

sooo... want a massage or a personal training session?

creative provision

2010-05-17T18:44:00.004-05:00

last night our c/group met at saxbys. it was a neat way to break out of the same ole' mold of meeting at my house. how fitting that the venue would much reflect the discussion and turn of events that occurred. for starters, the gals led the conversation. some of them shared things they had pre-determined they would share. some of them talked about what was on their mind at the time. all of it felt God-inspired and had purpose.

then the man walked over.

he asked if we knew who owned the saturn. i told him it was mine. and he confessed he'd scratched it.

he started reaching in his wallet and i said, "oh, are you giving me your business card?" and he said, "no, i want to compensate you for it." so i told him i should go look at it.

i excused myself from the table and walked with him to my car. we exchanged names and shook hands. his name is jim.

he showed me the scratch and i almost laughed out loud. it was about the size of a teardrop. i said, "dood, let's just not worry about this." and he said again that he wanted to compensate me.

we volleyed like this a few times, me trying to explain it's just 'stuff' and it's not worth it. he felt otherwise.

finally i said, "sir." he looked me square in the face. i said, "i am going to give you grace on this. because i have been given infinite grace by God. i'm a christian-" and he exclaimed, "me, too!"

"so then you know what i'm talking about. and now you have a great story that can help you share the gospel of Jesus Christ with others." and he said, "i already have a good story. take the money." and he held something out to me.

i put my hands up in the air to fend off the unnecessary offering. again more verbal-volley. when it was apparent he would not give in, with my hands still up, i told him, "sir, you have to know that if i take that money i am not going to use it to fix the scratch. i am going to put it toward a mission trip i am going on in the summer. i'm going to uganda to care for orphans at the village of hope and to bring them food."

and he told me to use it for that and wished me blessings. and he put a 100 dollar bill in my hand.

a few days ago i prayed, "Lord, if you have called me on this trip, then please provide financial support, because i don't know how to do it on my own." and he did. he sure did.

i went back to where the girls were still sitting and told them what happened. it was neat getting to share that moment with them on an evening that was so far from the same ole' mold. i'm grateful for these young women in my life. i love getting to see life through their eyes and watch their own lives unfold before me. and i pray they see God providing for them in creative ways, just as he is providing support for this trip.

... does anyone else want to park too close to my saturn?...

read about my first post about this trip
partner with us on this trip: thru prayer or financially
follow our journey on facebook

grinch

2010-05-07T09:39:00.000-05:00

sometimes i really feel like a grinch. i like things the way i like them. i like my comfy bed and my quiet life and my predictable surroundings. i like my... my!, "my", MY MY MY! you get it?.. i'm so like the grinch.

but when i first heard about the orphans at the village of hope in uganda, i really feel like my heart did grow three sizes that day.

i have always been passionate about caring for orphans. many folks know jon and i have even considered fostering children. we believe God has called us to care for and pour love into kids and families that need a place to stay.

but these ugandan orphans aren't just your regular, run o' the mill orphans. no sir! many of them were formerly abducted and forced to join the LRA (a rebel militia). the stories of these children of war will wrench your heart out. they were forced to do things that are horrific, inhumane and disgusting.

well, if you know God, then you know how he works. as of late, every time i turn around i am confronted with new information about village of hope... about how they provide help to the helpless. they build villages where kids can live with their siblings in safety and have food and education and love and... hope.

and i gotta get in on that.

i've been asking of God that i would love with his kind of love,.. that his heart would beat inside my own chest. and i believe through this passion i have to leave the safety and comforts of "my, my ,my" everything in order to love on the orphans in africa, that he is answering that prayer.

i always say, "if God can make someone like me out of someone like me, there's hope for anyone." well, i want to take that hope to a whole village in africa!

will you help?

jon and i are joining a team of people going to village of hope for two weeks in august to spend time with the kids there, share God's truth, play games and lavish love on them. we’ll also participate in food distribution.

will you partner with us? as evidenced above, God answers prayers, and so i covet yours. please pray for this trip. please ask God for safety, good health, smooth travel and that we would raise enough support to cover the expenses of this trip. let us know if you want to be a prayer partner so we can send you updates.

beyond your prayers, if you are led, please consider being a financial partner. together jon and i need to raise $6,900. i know, right?! phew!! but here's the deal: God has already decided where he wants this money to come from. he already has a plan. please consider that you may be a part of it. you can give securely online or send a check (email me for mailing address trace at jonandtrace dot com).

i don't want to be a grinch anymore. i want to carry God's hope and abounding love to the orphans in uganda and show them they are worth every effort it took to get there.

i've been taken for a ride

2010-05-03T10:48:00.008-05:00

so this past weekend i completed a two-day, 150 mile ride across the texas countryside from frisco stadium to the texas motor speedway and then to downtown ft worth.

why on earth would i do this? seriously. why?

to raise money for nat'l MS (multiple sclerosis) society. even the raising money part was a journey for me and you can read about that here:

i'm doing something
i'm doing something else
this saturday i ride

while on the subject, please consider donating to this worthy cause. my goal isn't met yet, but that's not really what this is about. it's about helping find a cure for people living with this disease.

as i continued to ride/train for the big event i kept learning of people with MS and added them to my bandana. the ride folks give you a bandana with your registration packet. it's for you to have names of those you are riding for. i tied it to my handlebars and every time i looked down i would remember this ride isn't about me, but for them. and i'd pray. and sometimes i'd pray and cry. i would recall stories of some of these people who cannot walk anymore. and here i am riding a bike and enjoying the beautiful day... things they cannot do anymore. it grieved me and blessed me all at the same time. i'm even teary writing this.

THIS RIDE HAS BEEN AN INCREDIBLY EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE FOR ME

and now for the ride... in TWEETable fashion (altho perhaps not kept to 140 characters)... actual tweets in bold.

gearing up for a ride like this takes lots of training!... and starbucks.

our "team". from left - brian, grethel, jon, melody, trace. and it was cold, so zip it about the leggins, alrighty? heeh.

about to mount the bikes and i had to do my "strong man pose".

and the ride begins. i'm somewhere in the middle/back and will most likely be pedaling out in about 30 mins or so. i covet your prayers. :)

beginning the ride by passing under the start line with loads and loads of people cheering might have teared me up. i'm just sayin'.

first leg of the journey and i thought "i'm really doing this" and "this is do-able". you'll see i thought that a lot over the course of 2 days.

at first stop. so far... 3 oranges, 2 compliments [on my obnoxious pink and black leggings] and 1 big goofy grin on my face.

the first stop came up so quickly that i thought, again, this is do-able.

praying for all those efforts at goandbe. praying for my bandana peeps. praying for my friends that i knew were praying for me. praying for good weather. just... praying.

jon and melody ahead of me, brian and grethel behind me, and i'm in the middle just riding. and thinking. and praying. and pedaling.

at the next stop: 27.4 miles down. having some gu and then pedalling out again.

struggling during this leg, i downshift and pedal fast uphill. a group of fancy shmancy all matching jerseys people pass me. one of the guys looks over at me and says, "hey knobby! ...way to man up!" upon hearing the 'knobby' remark i instinctively look at my knees. then i realize he's talking about my tires. i rode this dern ride on a mountain bike, people!!

phew that last stretch was a doozy. 8 more miles to the lunch stop where we'll rest a bit.

at nearly every stop there were volunteers cheering you in. i admit i cried a few times just seeing someone there to encourage me those last 50 yards or so. i hope they know how much they really helped.

i just pushed on to lunch. it was all i could to get there, knowing the five of us would regroup and have a little rest together.

lunch stop. oi!! none too soon.

i rolled in to lunch and found jon and melody (they were ahead of me the entire ride!!). we grabbed some lunch and sat down in the grass to eat. i was pretty wiped and decided to lie in the grass right there, where i promptly broke out in a rash on the back of my hands (the only part of my body touching the grass). thank you, allergies! i went to the med tent and signed in for some claritin skin cream. aaaah! relief.

we all compared stories, talked about how tired we were already, blah blah blah. melody was leading the charge on sunblock, so i added some to my little open areas on my gloves. a dab here and a dab there. i still got a lot of sun, though.

after lunch i pretty much stuck with grethel. after riding essentially alone, it was a nice reprieve to have a 'buddy'. i found a bit of a groove and was able to nail the inclines with persistence and what i am sure was prayer from all of my friends!

at the stop before the last leg my muscles were like cinderblocks and grethel's knee was swollen (an old high school soccer injury). so we took the SAG the rest of the way in - 13 miles. part of me wishes i'd ridden. the other part thinks maybe i was right to 'listen to my body'. either way i'd accomplished a lot already.

hey. sorry for lack of updates. I've been busy. LOL

so i rode 72 miles today... SAG'd about 13 miles. (SAG = safety and gear vehicle).

jon, my wonderful husband, set up our tent and aired our mattresses up for us while we were riding. all we had to do was plop in it. isn't he marvelous?

we straggled through the dinner line, ate, laughed, and tried to find someone to blame for getting us into this ride in the first place. i think the majority of the fingers ended up pointing at melody. LOL.

a shower. bless the Lord God Almighty for warm, running water. and for toilets that flush. those port-a-potties are necessary, but... !

we are fed, clean and already laying down in the tent. i am pooped.

please keep up the prayers. they fuel us. and we need God to heal our bodies tonight while we get good rest.

with grethel ALREADY asleep, the rest of us began to drift off. the chatter outside our tent was beginning to lessen, the music was lowering, evening was settling upon us. peace. and then...

zip zip zip! the sound of the tent opening to let trace out for a potty break. i drank a lot of fluids that day. finally asleep no later than 8pm.

zzzzzzzzzz. 10pm: zip zip zip! i mean, i had a LOT to drink that day.

good morning starshine! up and at 'em! we got breakfast, got grethel's knee wrapped, donned our day-old-stinky riding clothes and cleaned up the tent a bit. (jon, bless his heart, was coming back again to take away the tent for us).

claiming our bikes and heading out!! we thought the morning ride would begin at 7am, but most people had left around 6:15-6:30. so we were one of the last to leave. hunh.

at one point i stopped to get off my bike and adjust my seat height. a lady pulled her bike over to check on me (everyone was SO helpful). i told her i was fine, finished my adjustment, and as i pulled out again, she said, "thank you for riding. i have MS." i asked her name and told her i would pray for her, so she handed me a card. and, no surprise here, people: i cried.

i am so blessed to get to pray for people who cannot do the things i can do. i can get out of bed in the morning. i can ride my bike. i can breathe and eat and run and see and swallow.

during the first leg of day 2 i wondered, at what point will i SAG? for in my mind, there was no question that i would not make the entire day 2 of riding, it was merely a question of when. i didn't know it then, but i wouldn't end up SAGing at all that day.

completed first 14 miles. a quick rest and on to the next 8.

at the 2nd stop... loading up on carbs and liquids and praising God for all of u praying!!

i would ride with my phone on airplane mode to maintain battery life. but at each stop i would turn it back on so i could update. jon was keeping tabs on me, but apparently so were a lot of my friends and fam. it was so encouraging to see that folks were praying for us and cheering us via facebook and twitter. i wonder... do they know the impact it had on me? probably not near as much as they should.

seriously friends - your prayers are an IMMENSE blessing to me!! thank you from bottom of my heart.

beautiful countryside. it was fragrant with honeysuckle and jasmine. the air was clean. and sometimes i'd pass horses and that sweet, warm smell of hay and alfalfa. gorgeous.

on this leg i felt like i was the only rider out there. i looked ahead - no one. i looked behind - nada. "am i on the right track?" i thought. the markers along the way told me i was.

LUNCH!!!! that was a weird leg of the ride... i saw NO other riders.

i pulled in alone. jon and melody so far ahead of me that i wasn't seeing them at any stops - so proud of them. brian and grethel shortly behind me. looked at the lunch options and my countenance fell when i realized i was eating PB&J. again. two days of PB&J b/c it was their only vegetarian option. one of the ladies saw my face and asked if i eat cheese. i said i did and she said, "stay right here." she disappeared into the lunchroom and came out with a sandwich made Just For Me. a real sandwich. with cheese. and lettuce. and pickles. i almost hugged her, but opted instead for excessively thanking her.

sat at a table where i met some friends that i would end up seeing at every stop from then on and sharing contact info with so we can keep in touch. i'm so proud of you: rebecca, wendy, steve, and even though you weren't there at lunch, jackie and kelly.

got food in me. gonna biofreeze up and pedal out again. biofreeze. my new best friend.

riding alone. brian and grethel not too far ahead or behind. it was great to regroup at each stop. it was great to see my new friends at each stop or pass each other along the way.

this was a tough one. i think just because my muscles were so done. but i just pressed on. i prayed a lot, too. all along the way. of course for those with MS, but also for my new friends and brian and G, and jon and melody who, while ahead of us were still finding the ride a challenge, and praying for those praying for me. that they would not give up because i needed it so.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?... i made it to the next stop!!!! phew!

one of the stops was all decked out like a luau. tiki hut serving punch (or maybe red sport drink), guys in fun hats, beach music playing. refreshing and fun.

more pedaling. more praying. it was so great to see all of those SAG vehicles constantly driving up and down, and the volunteers on motorcycles. i knew i was being watched and cared for. i knew if i pulled over it would be a matter of seconds before someone was at my side asking if i was ok. i knew they would take me to the next stop if i needed it. i wasn't alone and that was a great comfort.

sitting to use the latrine is getting harder and harder. my sitting area hurts! I'm just sayin'

the next leg was a challenge. mental as well as physical. we knew the hill was a tough one. i almost SAG'd it. i feared it. and then my friends came through for me. rebecca asked if i had ridden up the last hill before the stop and i said i had. verrryyyy slowly. like in the easiest gear with some kind of mantra like "do it, i can do this, this is do-able." she said she walked it. and i don't know why, but that gave me courage. and that courage fed my stamina. and they all said they were doing it. so i had to try it with them. we posed for a photo opp first. priorities. from left: wendy, grethel, jackie, trace, rebecca.

ok. ok. ok. 5 miles to the next stop but this one is a doozy!! so if you see buzzards...

one of the hardest legs. my chain fell off and some of my new friends stopped to help even though i had it covered. we were all in this together and the camaraderie was amazing!

one of my friends would pass me and i'd yell, "go jackie go" or "you're doing great rebecca". i'd pass one of them and they'd yell, "way to go trace". such support.

at a lot of difficult inclines or points where i felt my knee or thighs couldn't take anymore, i'd remember how blessed i am to have a body free of disease. i'd remember kristi and think, "she has to live by the strength of God to endure MS. if i can just have a fraction of the endurance and energy and power she needs then i know i will make it." and i'd look up the road and think "this is do-able."

at the final stop before the last leg, we were crying. we were hugging. and telling each other, "you.. have made it this far. you can do it. you really can."

friends! this is it. pray me in bc i only have TEN. MORE. MILES!!! pls God get me there.

i swung out and started pedaling. again. and just about every turn i looked for that bridge that i knew would take me into sundance square. i knew i was ten miles out, but i was lookin' for that bridge. i just wanted to see that bridge.

wind. ack! please, God, still the wind or push me through it.

going through the city, now. a kid ran out into the street to 'give me five' as i rode past.

cops were at every intersection flagging us through. i thanked every one of them.

i rounded a bend and there it was. the bridge. tears fell and i didn't care, i just wanted to make it up that bridge. "this is do-able" i thought and i pushed my poor past-exhausted muscles further. further. i called on God to get me up that hill with just a fraction of what kristi needs to get through her life with MS. push push. up, trace, up.

i was spent. but i kept pedaling. up, trace up.

and the bridge was behind me. i followed the track in and around a few more bends and then... there it was. the finish line. tears. pedaling. thanks to God.

i heard them announcing me coming over the loud speaker. people were cheering and yelling and applauding. and as i passed through i heard a familiar voice yelling my name. i looked over and there was jon. yay for my husband!!! what a sight for sore eyes.

and... i... made it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i pulled through and parked and could hardly get off my bike. jon came running over and handed me a cold water and hugged me tight.

i remained there to see my bro and G coming in. and jackie. and wendy. and rebecca. we laughed and cheered and cried and i tell you it was one of most unique feelings of my life.

the finish line. i've never crossed one before. i'm not even sure how all it felt - so many different things. relief. determination. accomplishment. did i mention relief? and then i thought... what will it be like? when we finally get to cross The Finish Line and see our Father, our Savior right there yelling our name. and saying, "well done, good and faithful servant. you made it. i've watched you all along the way, you were never alone, and you made it. well done."

unsung heroes of this ride are the volunteers who loved on us, fed us, encouraged us, rode the SAG vans, woke up at 2am to make breakfast on the second day, set up and tore down all the rest stops, broke out the bullhorns so their voices could reach us from far away telling us, "you can do it. come on we're waiting for you. this is what you trained for."

this is what i've trained for. that and so much more. we are all in a ride. we are all expending energy on something. we all have a goal.

what are you training for?

hubba hubba

2010-04-24T07:51:00.001-05:00

i love donald miller. he's smart and funny. he has clever-humor. i like that. and every once in a while i need my donald fix and i'll listen to a session he did at willow creek several years back. it's about how we need artists to help people grasp the gospel and he was encouraging us to not give up. was timely for me, which might be why it impacted me so.

anyway, in the session he mentions how people have a hard time understanding the gospel or 'christianity' until we start to refer to it in terms of a relationship. he says that people don't think it's weird when guys will say, 'my wife wants me to love only her.' well, duh. but people get bent outta shape when they hear, 'God wants me to love only Him.' because we haven't done a very good job of explaining that it's a relationship.

when you get that it's a relationship.. so much else makes sense about God and why he loves us and how he wants us to love him.

i think christians often miss the mark on this.

we get rules. we understand them. they are measurable. quantifiable. translatable.

and so many times we confuse christianity with a set of rules. some people don't want to become a christian because they don't want to live by a set of rules. funny though - those people are usually married or are in a relationship and they don't mind living by certain 'guidelines' to respect their partner and make them happy. that's not living by rules. that's loving.

if you've got a spouse, think back to when you got married. remember those gushy feelings? remember looking soooo forward to the honeymoon? most of us actually take time off of work and leave our surroundings and the daily buzz to steal away with your beloved and get to know one another intimately. deeply. you pour yourselves into one another. you are strengthening your bond together and fall further for each other.

there's something magical about that time you spend. there's wonder and peace and delight all stirred up together. you meld.

why, then, do we take a brand new christian and yank the honeymoon rug out from under them by heaping rules upon them? they are in love! they are heady with the scent of their lover. their feet aren't on the ground. why strip them of that?

give them time to get to know God intimately. let them gush. let the magic happen.

and as they grow in their relationship, they are going to begin to make choices that respect God and that are a symbol of their love for him. not because there are rules to be followed but because they are drawn to living a life that pleases their lover.

God started the whole relationship thing - it's patterned for us right at the start of it all. "in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God..." soo... God wasn't alone. he was with the Word - he was with Jesus. there was union. a relationship.

i don't know about you, but looking at it that way is a huge relief. it's no longer a set of rules to live by. but rather, it is the greatest love story of all time.

now, how 'about that honeymoon? hubba hubba.

the glory of it all

2010-04-18T09:16:00.001-05:00

one of the rides i've been doing to train for the MS150 (a bike ride to raise money for multiple sclerosis), takes me just north of stacy rd into a development that, once there, feels completely separated from the rest of the busy world i seem to live in. the trees overhang the road, you can smell jasmine and honeysuckle in the air, if you encounter a car they actually give you the right of way. it's like you cross stacy and time warp into the little house on the prairie or something.

and there's this one bend that every time i pedal round it i am struck anew with the beauty of God's creation. and i think, "You made this??"

i go to webb elementary on thursdays and mentor a 5th grader. well, i don't know if mentor is really the right word for what i do. i just try and build a relationship with her and give her someone to trust in. i've also been doing a few projects with her. this past week i brought in some sheets of origame paper and we folded them into boxes (i learned how to do it on youtube). after folding the first one and realizing how easy it was, she got really excited and wanted to make one for all of her teachers, so we folded more and more and more and she wrote their names on each one and she practically ran down the hallway to deliver them.

she was so proud of her accomplishment. so proud of her work! it was a treat to see and i pray she thinks about the joy of giving as well. i hope that now that she got a taste of it she will want to be giving more often and considering others.

but the point is that she was thrilled with what she made - even if she started with craft paper and a video from someone else - she made something and she delighted in it.

but God! - he made all of this from nothing. and he came up with the pattern of this world - it wasn't on youtube first, i'm sure of it. he is designer, crafter, maker, and creator of all of this. imagine the intricacies he considered, the massiveness he imagined, the sweet scents of jasmine he threw in, and all of the glory around us everyday. you know that glory, right?.. the one you drive past on your way to work?

glance at it next time and let the wonder of it all settle upon you.

and let it draw you to the one who fashioned it and become his.

spinning and paring

2010-04-01T07:40:00.001-05:00

today was our first day of spin class 6-6:45 am. it's official: i'm insane.

had you any doubt?

the spin class instructor, however, was smart and slept in. or whatever their reason was for not showing up to tell us what to do. so we got a refund for the day, a free pass for an evening spin class session and permission to work out in the gym while we were there.

so we cycled for 30 minutes. it was, maybe, 2 minutes into the workout when i thought, "can i really do this?"

the ms150 is really 164 miles. split between two days that's appx 80 miles a day. i am told there's a rest stop at about every ten miles so we're looking at about eight jaunts of ten miles each on both days. that sounds more doable when you break it down like that.

plus i heard there was a barf bus (that's what my bro calls it) that will be following us and if you need more than just a pull-over-to-the-side-of-the-road break, they will pick you and your bike up and take you to the next rest stop.

that's good to know. just in case.

after our workout it was still dark outside. my bro tried to make me feel better by calling it 'cloud coverage.' he's a good man.

read judges 6 and 7 this morning while i sipped my coffee and ate an egg and tomato sandwich. i think it's interesting that God told gideon he had too many people on his side for battle and that if they won with that many people they would say it was because they won it and not God so he pared down their number to 300.

i think he does that in my life a lot. reduces my 'size' (read: pride, confidence, ability, resources, etc) so that there is no way for me to claim that whatever success was achieved was due to me. he had to pare that down so i could only say, "God did this thing."

and yet during the paring process we whine and moan and complain and make ourselves and everyone around us miserable because we are so focused on ourselves we can't see what God is trying to accomplish through us (do we even get the enormity of that - of God allowing us to participate in his work when he doesn't need us a whit?).

maybe we should learn to be more patient and watch for the outcome before being such a pill.

parallel of intensity

2010-02-22T14:24:00.001-06:00

i'm reading leviticus right now in my chronological reading of the
bible. i'm also reading revelation for the current sermon series at my
church. so i'm essentially at the beginning and the end.

and i am seeing a parallel of 'intensity' between God's treatment of
the israelites as He awaits them to turn back to Him and of the seals,
trumpets and bowls as He awaits those who do not know Him to repent.

while critics may look at this treatment and declare God "mean" or
"unjust" i am struck by just how loving and full of grace He really is.

God does not have to give is chance after chance after chance... but
He does. and He readily admit it is for us to turn to Him. that's why
He does it. for us.

that is not the action nor motivation of someone "mean" or "unjust"
but rather someone who cares deeply for people who are snubbing Him.

oh if i could only learn to be so kind.

i believe in miracles, part one

2010-02-17T23:18:00.002-06:00

when jon and i got married we had two houses - mine and his. mine was a fairly new dig with a bite-sized mortgage payment. his... well have you ever seen the money pit with tom hanks? (ok, it wasn't that bad)

had i kept the job i had we might have been okay. but that had already been decided by a miracle in and of itself.

see, i was making decent money at a bank headquarters, wearing suits to work, blahdy-blah, when all of a sudden and seemingly out of nowhere i get a call to come in and talk to someone about a volunteer position at the church.

i had been interested in this position - heard about it through a friend who was also considering it. i told her that if she ended up in that role, could i please please be her assistant because i knew i could learn from her in it. and she told me she thought i could do the job myself. i dismissed that idea on the grounds of it being sheer nonsense!

the evening that conversation took place, however, she received a phone call from the church asking her what she knew about me, and that my name had come up for this very same position! she told them about our conversation and the next morning i was the one receiving a phone call.

i met that evening at the church to discuss the role and before i left i had accepted it. it was volunteer and i was going to have to work evenings and weekends to fit it around my 'real' job. but i was thrilled to pieces.

it's already lookin' like a God-story, right? it gets better. keep reading.

maybe a few weeks went by, i don't remember, i was having fun and time was a-flying. i got another call from the church. this time the role was a staff position and it was paid. another meeting at the church later and i had an offer in my hand to consider. i mean really consider. because if i worked there i wouldn't be able to work at the bank anymore. which meant a very different income. and we had a money pit to consider.

so jon and i went to lunch and talked it over. i worked up a mock budget that looked at the next 6 months' income and expenses as though i had taken the job at the church, just to see what it would look like. according to my calculations, we'd be in the red by the end of that time by about $1500. we prayed about it and decided to leave it in God's hands. on our way home from this lunch, we stopped at the mailbox and in it was a check for $1500!! i kid you not.

i took the job.

the $1500 was a reimbursement from my insurance company that they said would take at least 12 months longer than it took to receive it, IF i was going to get it back at all. are you seeing God's fingerprints yet?

so here i am working for waaaay less than i was, we're still paying two mortgages and we are trying to get jon's house fixed up to sell. i wish i could say that the budget i worked up was correct, but just about every unforeseen thing that could happen... happened.

we had foundation problems. severe foundation problems. the more severe the problem, the more money it cost to fix it. i didn't budget for that.

we also had sewage problems that would have been paid for by the city if it had been just a few more feet away from the house. it wasn't. i didn't budget for that.

oh - and we had water leaks, too. i think you get the idea. it was expensive and frustrating.

in the meantime we had narrowed our living expenses so much that we had no cable, no meals or movies out, etc. i was making really cheap casseroles and then measuring the leftovers into tupperware and freezing them so we could take them for lunches. i figured out how to make a spaghetti dinner for less then 75 cents that would provide both of us two separate leftover meals as well. we were stretching every penny.

and then the letters came.

it seemed like every single week a new collection agency would inform us of something we owed them. some days it felt like i was being swallowed into demands that i couldn't fulfill and there wasn't a thing i could do about it. i cried a lot back then.

during all of this, we had decided we were going to continue to give ten percent of our gross income to God (or rather, give it BACK to Him). we felt that tithing was non-negotiable. and it was out of what was left that we were going to deal with everything else.

i like to think that, perhaps because we were faithful with our finances, God blessed us tremendously. i cannot speak for Him. but i can tell you what happened.

with every collection agency, we dealt with them with honesty and integrity. we made plans and stuck with them and promised to pay off things we didn't even own anymore. if we signed an agreement, no matter how long ago it had been, we honored it.

we knew we would be upside-down on the house when it sold. that was a no-brainer. and my mom had offered to loan us the amount we would need to pay in order to sell it and then we could pay her back when we could.

so when it finally came time to draw up the deal and give the house our "good riddance", we weren't shocked to see we had to pay to get rid of it. but what did shock us was that we had half that amount in the bank. we were only going to have to borrow half of it from my mom instead of the whole thing. and then she was reimbursed within two months.

friends - there is no accounting i can perform, no magic numbers i can come up with to explain where the money came from that we had in our account that day. i can't 'make' that money be there no matter how i figure it.

we had poured way more money into the house than i had ever figured on in my budget. and that budget never considered all those collection agencies we had already started paying. not to mention that the budget was a 6-month forecast but it was an actual 18 months that it took for the house to sell! we should have been in the red - way more in the red than i had already figured.

to this day we scratch our heads and chalk it up to a miracle because there simply is no other explanation for it. we are amazed and we are blessed.

we believe that because it was God's accounting and provision that allowed us to get past that difficult period, that this house and all we own is His. he provides. we just get to manage it.

we have seen dark and scary account balances. and we have also seen the hand of God. we could have scrimped that ten percent and put it toward the house or other debt, but then we wouldn't have seen him increase the money we had left over just like he fed a crowd with just some fish and a loaf of bread.

he rewards faith. we believe it because we've lived it.

the story doesn't end there, but this post does. stay tuned for "i believe in miracles, part two" coming soon.

missionally minded

2010-01-19T08:19:00.002-06:00

i was reading this morning about abraham - how he was going to sacrifice his son, how his wife died and he purchased a tomb for her burial, and how he sent his servant to bring back a wife for isaac from his father's house.

and the thing that stuck with me the most this time was that after his wife died, he went to the city gate to walk through the steps of buying of a tomb. i guess in that day it was normal to go through the ping pong tournament of "i'd like to buy your property", "no no you take it", "no i want to pay you for it", "no really i insist just take it", "what do i owe you for it?", "i don't want you to pay me fifty bucks even though that's what it's worth", "ok here is fifty bucks. thank you and good day".

seriously? that was how it was done? i'm all the more grateful for craigslist.

yes. apparently that was how it was done. and abraham was willing to take the time and do it the way it was done even though his heart must have been grieving during the entire barter. it must have been one of the hardest times in his life!.. but he still acted appropriately, did what was right.

we know he was far away from his family - he is called a sojourner in the land where he lived. which is why his servant had to take a journey in order to find a wife for his son among abraham's father's house. abraham was far from home.

he lived among people who were not israelites. they were not God's chosen people. in other words - they did not have God.

why it sure sounds a lot like abraham was a missionary, doesn't it? a godly man, far from home, living in the land of people who do not have God. and in his dealings with them, he is appropriate and fair. he doesn't take advantage of any generosity, but rather does what is right and good. even in their eyes.

i wonder if any of them thought, "who is this man? he seems different. he is clearly under duress. i mean he's buying a tomb for goodness' sake. and for his wife?.. why isn't he just taking the property? why does he insist on doing this the right way? what is it that is so different in him that causes him to act so... hmm.. i guess he would call it 'godly'. but who is this God that could enable this? who is this God that can carry him through pain to still act in an upright and fair way among us whom he has no kin. we are but strangers to him. why would he care for us? is his God like this, too? could his God care for us as well? i want to know more about his God."

we are all living in a mission field and every circumstance can produce occasion to act honorable for the sake of bringing attention and honor to God. every dealing with others can result in a seed being planted or watered or cultivated. life is a splattering of such opportunities. i guess the question is, will we obey? or will we soil God's reputation simply by being associated with us?

may we act honorable and justly and giving all due credit to our God! and may others notice a changed life in us enough to desire it for themselves.

sitting on the bench

2010-01-09T09:51:00.006-06:00

this is dedicated to my dear cousin who is in the thick of ministry but sometimes feeling benched.
and to my fan club.

i have some very sweet kids who have been loving on me for quite some time. and i remember when they first started, er.. flocking to me. i’ve always been somewhat of a kid magnet, but when i was serving in REVO (a worship venue at mckinney fellowship), i suddenly found myself surrounded by an entire troupe of shorty mcshort shorts.

at the time i was in charge of a lot of setup for the venue. we had to physically transform the gym into ‘church’, prepare the lyrics, set up stations for interactive worship elements, greet and put to work volunteers, prepare communion, etc. there was a lot to be done on a sunday morning and i usually found myself running ragged until the last possible moment before the doors opened. i would exhaust myself so, that by around 1:30 or 2:00 when we finally had everything put back in its place i was fit only for food and sleep. usually in that order. sometimes not. i wore myself plumb out on sundays.

it was during these chaotic preparations that i would be bombarded with these kids wanting hugs and attention and direction on how they could help. and they would clamor to be the most important one - the special one. my favorite. they insisted on having name tags made that said “assistant to trace” or something like that and when i gave them a task they would race off to see who could reach the finish line first and be The One to follow my orders. i was even delighted, and a little embarrassed, to learn that some of them had created a trace fan club complete with rules and a theme song. oh dear!

with such demands for my attention there were times when it was incredibly difficult to get my job done. sometimes i felt i put more effort into giving them little tasks and reminding them that they all dear to me in exactly the same amounts than i did setting up stations and preparing the lyrics. and somewhere in the middle of those occasional frustrations i remembered paul.

i was in the middle of a study of colossians so it was fresh on my mind at the time. however now that it’s been a few years... well, you get the idea. if memory serves, paul was either in rome (or on his way) to preach the good news - the gospel of Jesus Christ. it was an important mission, indeed. what is greater than sharing life to the dead and shining light in the darkness? but he wound up in prison. and as much of an example of joy in the midst of trials as he was, surely there must have been a few moments where he sat in chains thinking, “i should be out there telling others about Christ! Lord- why am i here when you’ve such great and important work for me that you called me to.. out there!?”

and i have imagined God’s response being something like this:

paul. you know i have called you to great and important work. i placed you on the path to rome and have given you the very words to speak. but right now i have another great and important work for you, and i have slowed you down and given you time of quiet contemplation in order for you to do it.

i want you to send a letter to some of my dearly beloved children. they need encouragement. they need support. and i’ve chosen you to be the one to do it.

i know this isn’t the best of accommodations, but i’ve chosen these surroundings because you needed to get out of the rush of life in rome to concentrate on caring for this church who needs you. and for the record, there is a prison guard that i want you to show my love to while you are here.

i think paul must have felt like he was ‘in the game’ in rome. he was ‘bringing it.’ but then he was plopped in jail and it had to feel like he was taken out of the game and had landed on the bench.

but God’s desire was not for him to ‘sit this one out’. rather, the task he had in mind for paul would wind up in the greatest selling book of all time to encourage generations of believers, not just the church he was writing to. in fact, when you look at it that way, kinda seems like maybe that might be what he went to rome for, you think? like maybe God called him to prison but that he wanted him to get there by way of rome.

here i had been frustrated with these kids who were keeping me from doing my job, reaching my rome, when really God was asking me to spend time with these kids because they would take my words and carry them with them for the rest of their lives, possibly spreading them further out as they go.

perhaps my job wasn’t even really the venue. maybe my job was these kids but that God wanted me to reach them by way of the venue. by letting them help and run to the fridge for communion juice.

when i gave attention and care to these kids i wasn’t being distracted from the real work. i was doing it. i was being Christ to these kids.

this is meant to be an encouragement to anyone who feels like they have spent time on the bench waiting to get back in the game. because perhaps God himself has called you to that very bench for a specific purpose. and it might even be that the bench is the reason he even had you in game at all. consider that when you find yourself spinning your wheels.

please don’t throw your hands up in the air and call it quits. it may just be getting started! instead raise your hands up, open them, and say “whatever you’ve got for me... i’m in.”

my hearts prayer

2010-01-06T07:14:00.000-06:00

father - i know, like job, i might be tempted to 'reprove' my friends when they admonish me; out of fear of appearing undignified, of feeling mocked.

what would turn counsel of friends into mockery? and unhumbled heart. me seeking me.

may i not seek self, but may i seek you and you alone.

may my humanness, my self-centered ways, be carved out of me and may they not thwart the mission to reach out to people who are dying and hellbound because they do not know you.

may i get out of the way and into the call of your mission.

please forgive me my rebellion and may i desire you and seek you with my whole heart and all of my might.

please change me. give me a heart - your heart - for the lost, the hurting, the dying.

i love you. please help me to love you.

if only...

2010-01-05T07:23:00.001-06:00

today's scripture reading was job 6-9.

job's friends accused him of sin. that is how he was in the predicament he was in - he had sinned.

but we know the truth because we are privy to a window into conversations that occurred in heaven between the Lord and satan. we know that satan was given free reign to torment job so that God could show satan how job is upright and blameless.

job's friends didn't get to hear that conversation, so they are left to determine the cause of his suffering on their own. their conclusion? it's job's fault. and he needs to get right with God to restore all his wealth.

are we called to judge? are we called to accuse? are job's friends acting according to God's call on our lives? i would have to say no, we are not called to be accusers.

instead we are called to:
love our neighbors
care for others
serve as we have been called

then here's the really good part about the scripture. job cries out for a mediator. an arbitrator who can stand between him and God. how cool is that? he is realizing he needs Jesus before Jesus ever came to this earth! it's like job gets it, you know? he gets that even though he has been living right, he still cannot be judged by our holy God and be claimed innocent.

he cannot stand before our holy God! he needs Jesus.

man - if the rest of the world figured that one out...!

the heart of God

2010-01-04T07:34:00.000-06:00

i'm reading in job right now and am trying to approach it as though i've never heard the story before in order to gain insight about it i've never had or view an 'old' insight through a new lens.

it struck me that job would get up early in the morning after their week of feasts and offer sacrifices on behalf of all his children in the event they had sinned or cursed God in their hearts.

what an act of sacrifice for his beloved ones. he loved them with the heart of God.

then in later chapters he is victim (yes! victim!) to all kinds of pain and evil: his children die, his servants die, his fields are destroyed, his livestock are gone, and then he is covered with a painful disease. and his friends decide to visit him to offer sympathy and to comfort him.

for a while they say nothing then finally one of his friends speaks up and first reproves him for not maintaining his integrity with God. then seems to assert that he is merely reaping what he has sown.

i know sometimes and in some circumstances that is wise council. but was it appropriate for job? if they felt he had sinned, why not do as job had done and offer sacrifices on his behalf? would it work that way or can only a parent do that for their children?

i'm not saying i know the answer, i'm just wondering out loud. because the scripture seems clear that by making offerings for his children, that is just what a man who is blameless and upright does for those he loves.

but his friends, they came to offer sympathy and comfort, not offerings and sacrifices. where is the heart of God for their friend job? perhaps their sacrifice was in leaving their homes and families to see their friend and stay awhile. that would sure be a sacrifice for me! but does it take care of the sins they think he may have committed to end up in this situation? are they willing to bear that penalty? i wonder.

today is day one of 21 days of prayer - an event at my church. the reading for today talked about praying for people who don't know Christ and desiring to gain God's heart for others. i didn't realize it at the time, but when i was honing in on who in job's story was acting out of a heart aligned with God or not, that it would have anything to do with the direction of prayer we would be taking today in 21DOP. i love it when God makes connections like that.

and so it is my prayer that i would gain God's heart - that his heart would beat within my own chest - and i would see others the way he would see them and love them with his love. and that i would be willing to go beyond offering sympathy and comfort (although they are important and coveted, i'm sure) but that i would be willing to go the extra mile and bring offerings and sacrifices on behalf of others. that i would travel whatever distance to get to someone who was in pain and that i would seek God for them, with them.

and that everything in my own life would point others to Christ.

i was also struck in job by the fact that things just happen in the heavenly realm we know nothing about and yet they can affect our lives. we may face challenges where our behavior through it is meant to be an example for the sons of God to witness. are we living up to those challenges? are we pointing to Christ even when whatever it is we treasure is being threatened? what if we lack sleep or food? would we praise the Almighty? what if every single one of our friends deserted us or died? would our hearts still burn for the Lord? what if our jobs, our family, our health were all... gone. would we still love and honor and worship God?

oh it is my prayer that we would. and that we would still love with the heart of God so that we bring others to love and honor and worship Him.

using resolve all the year-round

2010-01-01T11:43:00.000-06:00

it's that time of year for people to make and share their new year's resolutions. i was asked, as usual, if i had any and i had to give them the long answer.

i am in a constant state of change (hopefully for the better). it is my goal to always be learning and growing and improving and seeking higher standards. i want to always be stepping heavenward. i am always striving to become less of me so that i may have more of Him.

all throughout the year and in all situations i am asking God to change me. i am always resolving to become the woman He has designed me to be, to be a better wife, to use my ears more than my mouth, to be kinder and gentler and to put others ahead of myself. i ask to have sensitive hearing so i can recognize the spirit's voice to lead me, i want the heart of Christ to beat within my own chest, and i long for the day when i can finally lay all of these struggles down and simply revel in the presence of The One i love most of all: my Creator, my Redeemer, my Master and my Friend.

because of this, i don't think that one day out of 365 is any better a day than the next to become a better person. my resolve renews nearly daily, sometimes hourly. why wait so long between re-committing your heart to God's desires for you?

soo.... having said that [as i step down from my soap box] i will clue you in to the top resolves that i carry with me into this exciting new decade.

be second
my oh my oh my but those two little words carry immense weight. it is so hard to bite my tongue when i know i'm right, but being second means not showing off how much i know or how little others ...don't. it is trying to not step in when i can do something better than someone else, but being second means allowing someone else the learning experience, your encouragement and a safe environment to mess up in. it is painful to leave the comfort of my favorite ____ [fill in the blank] so someone else can enjoy the comfort or favorite or the best or the most. and it is so not fun to leave my lovely sleep to get up early and spend time with The One who is rightfully first, the Alpha. i want to lay all of my preferences and comforts and "but"s down at Christ's feet so that others can have theirs and so i may in some way connect with them and love them with the love of Jesus and point the way to eternal life and amazing love.

be a better wife
this one has a lot to do with the first one because when i am second, i treat my husband nicer, kinder, more loving, and i do things for him that he didn't ask me to do, and i seek for ways to show him that i am thinking of him... all when i am tired or hungry or sore or busy. but not just that. i want to constantly lift him up to the Father, to claim blessing and righteousness for him on his behalf. i want to show my absolute adoration for God through the way i treat my husband.

let others in
in order for people to know what Christ has done for me, they need to know the before to truly appreciate the after. i need to let people see the mistakes and the failures and grime so they can understand how much cleansing and healing and grace God has given me. there is no other way to show someone a changed life if you do not let them into that life, tool around in it, poke it, test it, peel it and boil it down to what it really and truly is. i want to be able to let people so in that they can tell my own story as if it's they watched it happen before their very eyes.

write more
not just blog here, although that, too. i am always thinking of things to say (hah - refer to first item where i need to use my ears more than my mouth) but i don't usually take the time to blog it. a shame really. but i also want to spend more time on my writing - doing spoken or written word, poetry, inspirational pieces. i loved doing the scripts for the 'i am second' series we did at mckinney fellowship. i ended up spending a lot of time in prayer and research putting them together resulting in some incredible worshipful times for me. yes, i definitely want to spend more time on that!

follow the spirit's leading
i want to be able to hear God's voice so well that i am confident of whose it is the moment i hear it. and that i would honor and love Him so much that i would drop my plans, change my direction, abort my mission if it differed any from what i was being asked to do. i want to follow Him even if it makes no sense to me, or my family thinks i'm crazy (i'm sorry - how is that different from things now?), or everyone is giving me warnings or threats that i'm ruining my life. i know my Lord knows best and i want to lay every intuition and logic behind me if it sways me from where He is and where He wants me to go. i guess this really should be captioned "follow the spirit's leading no matter the cost."

shut up and listen
refer once again to the first item where i mentioned using my ears more. but because my head is thick i felt this deserved another mention. 'nuff said. cause i'm listening now. sshh!

that's about it for now. my constant resolves. i pray over them and seek to live them. all throughout the year.

btw - the short answer is "no".

scribbling to make a point

2009-12-29T12:05:00.001-06:00

the other day at work, my friend took a pencil and started to 'color' with it, leaning it over almost horizontally in order to rub off the fat sides and sharpen the end. i knew what he was doing, but it still tickled me. and when he noticed me noticing, he said, "i'm scribbling to make a point."

for some reason that phrase stuck with me.

and stuck with me.

it made me think about how we can get so messy sometimes. we can appear to be just 'drizzling' pages with graphite. making scribbles. looking like kids' scrawl. clumsy.

and then we call it our best effort.

maybe it is. or maybe we're just being a bit lazy. or it really could be our best effort because we haven't stepped it up and honed our 'drawing' skills. or maybe we think those that are viewing our work won't understand a more mature skill so we dumb it down. or we don't really feel like our audience is worth a better production.

whatever the reason, i guess i'm just not satisfied with any of my work or efforts appearing to be scribble. if i want to make a point or if i have an end goal, i want clarity, focus, beauty, truth. if i have to get off the couch to do it, i want to want to.

take it to the heavenly realm. consider those who need to know who Jesus is. consider those dying without his love. what are we doing about it?

are we trying to reach them with minimal efforts? are we painting a fuzzy picture of Christ? how well do we know the Father that we are trying to introduce to others?

if we aren't honing our painting skills, what kind of picture of God can we really produce? if we aren't studying to teach, worshiping to love, learning to further ourselves and the kingdom then what in our lives clearly and truthfully focuses on what really matters? and what about us points others to The Light? how hard are we willing to work to point heavenward?

i fear my efforts fall painfully short. i fear i am not creating a colorful, delightful image on the one canvas i've been given.

Father - please. PLEASE! help me to be busy and hard at heavenly work. i want to point others truthfully, simply and clearly to you. and i don't want my life to look like a messy, clumsy rendition of someone "giving their best" efforts when you have created me to accomplish more than i will admit.

please let my life look like more than scribbling to make a point.

for your Honor and your Glory!

it's your life. deal with it.

2009-12-23T08:09:00.000-06:00

was reading ruth again this morning. i love that book. i would like to say because it's about a woman fully devoted to God, so much so that she does things that are unexpected of her (leaving her own family and people) and things that are expected of her ("go lay at his feet and he will tell you what to do"), without ever complaining or seeking her own comfort. i would like to say it's because ruth receives many blessings for her obedience and kindness. and while those are valid reasons and i value them,.. i do... i think i love that book because it is about two women who love each other so much that they do whatever is in their power to show that love, to honor and to further one another.

i love stories like that.

so i'm in ruth again this morning and as i reflect on her willingness to set aside her comfort and 'what is known' to care for her mother-in-law, i harken my thoughts back to a conversation i had yesterday with my husband about why 'kids these days' expect things given them, expect things done for them, and expect things to be easy and when it is not they would rather walk away from something or cut people out of their lives instead of making the effort to set it right.

but then those same kids read ruth and want what she ends up with: blessing. honor. a good name.

i think it's so easy to look at ruth and want what she got, but it is so hard to look at ruth and do what she did.

i was reading an article recently about how 20% of divorce cases filed list facebook in the suit. it indicated that facebook was causing infidelity.

um.

really?

i thought infidelity was a choice. it's not like there's this facebook highway and when you jump on it takes you where it wants you to go. no!.. you decide what you say, you decide what you do, you decide how far you'll go.

at the end of the article it said that while the number of divorces were slightly down, an increase was expected due to the financial state of our country.

i know marriage is hard. i know relationships are difficult. but if we would start being willing to step up to those challenges and work through them and stop blaming facebook, the recession and hangnails, then maybe we'd have a lot of them remain intact.

we want a ruth-like blessing sitting under our christmas trees, but we don't want to make ourselves second to others in order for it to happen. and when we don't get it, it's someone else's fault. it's never ours. i wonder if we grasp how incredibly selfish we truly are.

i guess what i'm getting at is: you want things to all work out in the end? you want blessings to pour over you? then be willing to live through the hard things. don't run when things get difficult - work at it. it's hard and it hurts and many times you will find that you have to set your own desires aside for the overall welfare of whatever you're dealing with. you have to do it. not someone else. you. facebook doesn't make your decisions, you do. claim your life and work hard at it. and love every minute of it!

i have a sheet of paper from a pad that belonged to a friend of mine whose life was interrupted by cancer. i cannot wait to see her again someday. we'll hug, we'll catch up and then i think we will laugh over that paper that hangs over my computer at work. it reminds me to step up to my challenges. it reminds me that i need to get over myself sometimes. and it reminds to laugh. it says

put your big girl panties on and deal with it

with the love of God

2009-11-17T07:48:00.001-06:00

i usually pray for God's heart to beat inside my chest. meaning = i want God's love to resonate out of me because my love is too selfish and prideful and conditional and concerned about how it affects me.

i want to see people the way He sees them.

when i use my own heart to see others i see people who are flawed and can offer me nothing and who are marching down wrong paths and don't need me.

when i use God's heart to see others i see people who need God just like i do. i see people who are hurting and the only salve is Christ. i see people making awful decisions because they have not yet known the Truth and do not know it to choose it. i see people who are mean to others (and me) because that's what it looks like when the pain inside of them starts to seep out.

and i want to love them. i want to get their junk all over me because i come to them and draw them in to me. i don't want to be a "christian" with clean hands. i want calluses and stains that show i am working for the kingdom and loving people who appear or act unlovable. they need to be shown love just as i needed it. and that love is usually needed when they are at their worst. not when they are cleaned up and have it all together (which i believe is a myth - a lie we cling to - by the way).

when someone bashes me, i want to look at them and see the reason they are bashing. what is hurting inside of them so badly that they need to create a false and temporary status of elevation by lowering those around them through a bashing?

when someone refuses to get close to anyone, i want to look at them and no longer see a snob or a loner, but understand that something has taught them they can no longer trust anyone but themselves.

i want to be an authentic, kind and loving person in such a way that the only response someone can have is to recognize i am not doing it in my own power, but by that of a God who can give them this love, too. that if He can change someone like me, there is hope for them too.

when we cut people out of our lives or our circle of acceptance because they hurt us, we've only achieved serving ourselves. but worse, we have darkened the reputation of the Jesus we claim to know and to love and to follow. He becomes guilty by association of us. and because he is our friend, others want nothing to do with him. they think if he is going to be anything like his ambassador that has shut them out or been unkind, then what is the point of putting their trust in him?

may it never be!

if anyone says, i love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 1 john 4:20

ed bolkley got it

2009-11-08T22:44:00.000-06:00

when i was in college we had an "old guy" come in to our college group at church once in a while. he was one of those people that was a permanent fixture at church. he was always there. always willing to help. always caring and loving.

we were recovering from a tumultuous changeover in leadership in our ministry and he came to our worship service one night, probably to be a peaceful and steady pillar for us students.

and when it came time to sing, he actually led us in a song. he got up and told us we were going to sing a hymn. um.. a hymn? hello! we do praise and worship here!!

but without having any words or music, he just closed his eyes and started singing. and he was... horrible! his pitch was all over the place. some of us looked at one another and snickered. i probably would have been the next one to do so, but something about ed caught my attention.

this man wasn't just singing. he was worshiping. he was, like, blasting the heavenly gates with praise to God. he was in love with God! it flowed out of him like those words.. those words that at first sounded rattly and harsh, started to sound sweet and melodic, and before i knew it i was enraptured with the display of affection, worship and passion that was before me.

a lot of students left that place chuckling over ed and his awful singing. some of them to this day probably think ed was just some crazy old man who didn't know how "out" a hymn was.

but as i continue to this day to sing that beautiful song about God's amazing love, how can it be? that He should die for me!!.. i realize that that night, ed bolkley was the only one in that room that 'got it'.

he wasn't worried about the drama going on in the ministry, he didn't care how uncool others thought he appeared. he gave what he had to the only audience that mattered.

he just put his love song out there to his Lord and God and everything else just melted away.

i remember when he died. i didn't know him that well but his song had affected me so deeply that i went to his memorial service to pay my respect to a man who lived fearlessly for God. and the church was packed to overflowing with people outside in the lobby and spilling out to the sidewalk.

the entire block was buzzing with people who had been affected by ed's passion and zeal.

you know, i don't recall ever seeing our college ministry packing them in like that. no one in that ministry had throngs of people filling the place to overflowing. who was the cool one, now?

and not a single person at ed's memorial service failed to sing of God's amazing love - that hymn that ed loved so. and the sound on that day,.. it sounded like a huge choir of angels! it sounded like a little taste of what i think heaven will be like - voices rising in praise of our God. it was breathtakingly beautiful.

i think maybe ed's song sounded like that in God's ears. i think God heard the heart of his song, not the pitch, not the outdated hymn,.. he heard the heart. because ed's song wasn't about ed.

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

ed bolkley got it

be careful what you pray for

2009-10-16T16:58:00.004-05:00

we tend to say "be careful what you pray for." we say "i prayed for patience and boy did God give me an opportunity to gain it."

but i've been thinking about that lately. and i would like to propose that perhaps there are times when, instead of it being our idea to pray for a weakness or an area we want to improve or grow it, but rather that God, knowing a situation or challenge will be coming our way, draws us in to pray for His help in advance.

we don't know what's on the horizon. but He does. perhaps He wants to protect us and care for us and guide us by bringing us to our knees to ask for a fruit of His spirit He knows we are going to need to be exercising soon.

an interesting take on prayer when we've grown accustomed to assuming God waits for us to ask for something before He gives it to us. but He didn't wait to send His son until we asked for Him. no, He knew ahead of time we needed Him, and He sent Him. some of us still haven't asked for Him, but it didn't stop Him from paving the way for that prayer to be answered before we have prayed it.

by the same token why wouldn't He begin to prompt us to pray for a strength only He knows we are going to need down the road? we can act on that prompt or we can not. i love that He gives us that choice. but who's to say He doesn't prompt or... knock?

i think if God knows we are going to encounter a situation where we are going to need patience to pass through it, and He prompts us to pray for it, we had best pay attention and be praying for it. if He in His foreknowledge prompts us, we in our barely-focused-hindsight would be foolish to ignore it.

i say "be careful what you don't pray for."

the cat who cried wolf

2009-10-05T10:28:00.001-05:00

my cat, simba, is a talker. he’ll slink through the house mrowring on a loop.

when we first got him we thought he was just lost. we’d be in the bedroom and he’d by walking his track crying up a storm and thought, ‘he can’t find us,’ so we’d yell, “we’re in here!”

after over a year of this, we’ve come to realize that’s just simba. he’s a talker.

but he does this cat thing that probably all cats do. they hang out below you, concentrate on your feet, and if even one toe twitches in the direction of the kitchen, they jump up and start heading to the feeding trough as if to say, “time to feed the kitty. follow me.”

simba does this. but he does it all.the.time! whether the food bowl is empty or the food bowl is full, count on simba to tell you it’s “time to feed the kitty.”

he’s especially adamant when i get up in the morning and when i walk in the door from work in the evening. that’s food time and simba is a creature of habit. even if there are kibbles staring back up at him from the bowl, he must have his ritual. i will go through the actions of feeding him while really only adding a few more bits. but it makes him happy.

the ritual i get.

but then there’s those totally random moments where he does it. and i think, ‘gosh maybe they’ve really eaten everything up and he’s still hungry,’ so i peek and... bowls are full.

he so cries wolf! and he stands there staring at me telling me “time to feed the kitty” with an earnest look on his face.

seriously? i think he’s messing with me. i think he’s putting me through a drill or something.

next time, i will not get up, i will not follow him into the kitchen, i will not i will not i will not.

gotta run. simba’s calling.

(does rosetta stone teach ‘cat’?)

bad art

2009-08-19T08:30:00.000-05:00

i read an article that said we should not judge art before its completion. the author told how a movie was shared before it was ever finished and then it received high criticism and remarks on how it didn’t live up to expectations, but they had illegally viewed the unfinished product. how can you pass judgement on something like that when the artist hasn’t even finished it?

and then the article took another turn. it said that we do that all the time. with each other. God is our artist and He is creating something wonderful in all of us but we pass judgement before He is finished. we look at one another and say, “that’s bad art,” or we write someone off for not being the way we think they should be. and God is still working in them!

perhaps, it is God’s plan to use you in the making of someone else. but you write them off as bad art and decide you don’t want to be around that person. you have just cut that person off from one of the ingredients God planned for their life. so not only have you passed judgement but you’ve also stunted a particular growth path. what if community with you was precisely what God had in mind for them?

we want all the grace God has for us. where, then, is our grace for others? perhaps God has dealt graciously with you so that you will carry that grace out for people He specifically puts in your path. how ya doin’ with that?

a prayer for my friends

2009-08-14T11:32:00.003-05:00

for all my friends who are serving in any capacity to make Equipping for Impact a success,.. a prayer for you:

Father who knows all and sees all and cares above all
give peace and energy and breath your full life into them
your cause is a lofty cause. the best cause. the only cause
and we want to embrace it and further it as best as we can
please, i pray, propel them with your mighty hand and let them serve
with your energy which so powerfully works in us - you tell us that! and we will believe it and live it!
amen!
colossians 1:29

positive

2009-07-09T23:24:00.003-05:00

i noticed this post on my facebook wall earlier today: How do you stay so positive. Is it a choice u make or does it just come natural? You inspire me to want to be more positive. Any advice?

and first i wanna say, "whoa! advice? from me? um..."

LOL

you know, i have been thinking about this post all day. i've been wondering is it really a conscious decision? or is that how i'm built? is it learned or innate? and the only answer i have is - it's all God.

i was thinking about me as a child, as a college student, as an adult,.. and i used to get so bothered by how other people treated me (or even how i perceived how others treated me) and i have since been learning that i cannot control how someone reacts to me. but!.. i can control how i respond to them.
just because someone might be ugly to me, that did not render me powerless to be decent back to them.

that actually freed me up a lot from potential hurt and bitterness.

then i realized that i could view things in the 'now' or the 'me' perspective, or i could view it in the perspective of heaven. like if someone treated me ill, i could get upset over how i was, at that very moment, being treated, or i could look at it from an eternal perspective and say "does this make any difference to whether or not i am a child of God?". up to this point in my life, the answer has consistently been no.

that freed me up from the dangers of tunnel vision and gave me a big picture view.

and i started seeing beyond myself. instead of seeing that i was treated in such-and-such a way, i started to realize that people acted that way out of pain or fear or anger or lack of self-esteem. and it became about them and not about me. i was actually able to start to look at someone being ugly to me and feel badly that they were hurting so much that they felt like they had to act like that. i was actually becoming sympathetic to my 'enemies'.

that sure freed me up from self-pity and feeling like i'm a victim.

and then one day i decided that just calling myself a christian wasn't enough. that i wanted to be full out, all in, living every moment of my life and laying it all down for Jesus. i want every decision i make, every word i utter, every progress i make, every foot fall to be in the direction of Jesus - for his name, to his glory, and in his honor. i love him so much that i want everything about me to be for him. i want him to use every bit of me to accomplish whatever he wants through me. i am his. not wishy-washy-parts of me.. all of me!

i find that a decision like that can radicalize one's behavior. when i come to a crossroads, i can get down or bitter or frustrated. or i can see what God wants me to do for Him in it. i want to take the direction he's called me to take even if it's the harder way to take. and when i reach those hardships i want to celebrate that i am doing it for Him and that i didn't cave in and take the easy way just cause it's easy.

and the joy that comes from such a choice, and such a life, is beyond explanation. sometimes i think my heart will explode with all the joy that is stuffed into it. sometimes my soul just sings out to God, it is smitten with him and i am flung into the heavens! what joy, what pure, holy, beautiful, perfect, lasting joy he has in store for us.

so. um.. i guess that means it might be a choice. i try all the time. and i fail a LOT! but i keep trying. because i love him so. and the more i try and the more i sometimes succeed, then the next time it might get just a little easier and a little more natural. it's like a cycle of being a choice and becoming more natural and making the choice easier and making it feel even more natural.

but i think it starts with choice.

no.

actually it starts with God. :)

i don't know if this answers your question. and it's not anything i have down pat. these are things i've learned over my life span and i am still learning them and i will go to my grave still learning. i still have days when i get grouchy because i'm in a long line and i get terrible customer service. but for the most part, the joy of the Lord in me just makes it too hard for me to get down. next to Him, there just isn't much important enough to get upset over.

blessed

2009-07-02T07:20:00.003-05:00

sometimes i look around me and realize how incredibly blessed i am. not just in the regular stuff, like having a husband who loves me and will do anything for me, or owning a house and a car, or being well-fed and well-clothed. but also in the not-so-tangible things.

i was talking with my sis yesterday about how i used to feel guilty because i could go through an exact same trial as someone else and their life would fall apart and mine wouldn't. i didn't understand why i was blessed to not have the turmoil and pain and suffering they seemed to experience. why was i exempt and they were not? why do they hurt and i do not?

i thought it cruel and unfair.. for them. i felt the injustice of the comparison on their side. and it would haunt me.

i spent most of my life like that. at least my growing up years. then when i was working at cityteam ministries, one of my mentors had me take a gifts assessment and i learned my gifts and what they meant. i have the gift of faith.

suddenly it made sense why i didn't struggle the same as others - i had faith. unusual, blessed, God-gifted faith. i didn't question "why me" as others had, but rather wondered "why not me" when i was spared some tragedy. i just knew it was going to be all right. i knew God was in control. i knew it was in much better hands than my own. i just.. had.. faith.

the story is much longer and deeper, but it boils down to the fact that i am delightfully aware of how blessed i am. and for those areas where others may not see me as being blessed (like my car accident last year where my little VW beetle was totaled), i cannot help but see it otherwise - that i was blessed with an opportunity to take the reimbursement for my car and buy something much less expensive and use the balance to get out of debt.

it isn't so much that i am blessed with different circumstances... i'm blessed with how to consider them.

oh, Lord.. You have blessed me indeed. in areas where i couldn't have imagined to request it. You give me faith where others have none - and i praise You for it and i wish to use it for Your glory and to benefit Your kingdom. may i never take advantage of anything, but always be mindful of my abilities and assets and how i can offer them back to You.

may every word i utter and every move i make be a compass back to You.

compass to the cross

2009-06-15T17:45:00.004-05:00

we were challenged during service yesterday to close our eyes and consider something during a worship song. one of my dear friends relayed to me later that as she stood there, praising God, worshiping the Almighty, something happened without her even knowing it. she turned.

little by little, her body turned so that when she opened her eyes after the song, much to her surprise - she wasn't facing straight forward anymore, but rather had ended up facing the cross on the side of the stage.

everyone else was facing one direction, but she was facing the cross.

it made me think that when we focus on Him and simply love Him and worship Him, that whether we realize it or not, we become a compass to Christ. that we simply point to Him.

we shed the self-awareness, we aren't embarrassed to be against the grain, we shut the world out of our sight and align ourselves to Him. and then everything about our lives - how we act, what we say, where we go,.. it all points back to Him.

the imagery is sweet. and it becomes all the sweeter when it is realized in our own lives... when we forget ourselves in worship and we become a compass to the cross.

may it be so, Lord. may it be so!

social experiment on my hair - results

2009-06-12T17:01:00.005-05:00

CONGRATULATIONS, JENNA! YOU ARE THE WINNER!!

for those that don't know, i put a call out for haircut submissions and got some great photos sent in. it was hard to narrow it down to just one, but i finally settled on a cut submitted by jenna, my cool-haired friend.

when i told jenna - who has cool hair.. did i mention that? - that she won she said, "yay!". jenna opted for the starbucks gift card. when i told her i have that ready for her she said, "yay!" again.

i guess when you have cool hair you don't have to rely on being verbose.

here is the photo she submitted that i selected:

and here is how my hair turned out:

thank you to all of you who 'played' and sent in some great photos. i hope you had fun and we'll see what new kind of social experiment i can find to get into now that this one is over! :)

social experiment on my hair - submissions

2009-06-08T10:03:00.011-05:00

these are the submissions that have been sent in so far.. just for reference.

wanna submit an image? click and comment

what's this all about?.. find out

social experiment on my hair

2009-06-06T16:37:00.006-05:00

i am getting my hair cut on friday (6/12) and i thought it would be fun to utilize social media to help me determine what cut to get. so i am giving all of you - my online friends - a chance to voice your opinion on what my next style should be.

i am open to any suggestion (as long as it is shorter, not longer. i'm getting a hair cut not a hair grow). and please only suggest styles, not color (at least this time around)!!

start commenting. send me links to pictures of styles or cuts.

the winner will be announced on friday along with pictures of my cut when i'm done. AND the winner will also receive a $5 gift card of their choice of either itunes or starbucks. i know - it's not much - but i also have to pay for the cut! :)

for those you haven't seen me in a while i'm attaching recent pics of front and side for reference:

now get on it. let me hear from you!

UPDATE - SEE WHAT'S BEEN SUBMITTED SO FAR. KEEP THEM COMING!

one more reason why i love mckinney fellowship

2009-04-29T15:36:00.002-05:00

folks - this is awesome. this is yet another reason why i love worshiping at mckinney fellowship. bruce doesn’t want some title or ‘honor’. he just wants to serve God, just like the rest of us: in the role God has designed him to serve.

i love that bruce gets the fact that just because God has called him to a different role than others, doesn’t mean he deserves special honors or distinction. and i love that he just wants to be like Jesus. and Jesus was a great non-conformist, wasn’t he? he shucked titles and taught a radical thing called: LOVE!

seriously. i love that i get to worship with people who just wanna be like Jesus.

On 4/29/09 3:23 PM, "Bruce Miller" wrote:

Lowly servants of God,

It was come to my attention that some have stopped referring to me as Reverend Bishop Miller. This is greatly concerning a man of my stature, status and accomplishment. Certainly my titles should befit my office.

Seriously . . . . biblically we are ALL priests, ministers and missionaries. Please do not call me or refer to me as Pastor Bruce or Pastor Miller. I despise it. It does not honor me; it upsets me. It sends the wrong message, an unbiblical one. This is a creeping trend in our church once again. I do not know why people are attracted to titles, but let’s resist the trend to honor the truth that we are all members of one body with no member of more honor than another. Let’s resist the desire for a priesthood, to clergy. Jesus did away with that.

Thanks for enduring my rant.

Just, Bruce

all about me

2009-04-05T19:16:00.003-05:00

i introduced rubber chicken nuggets in my last post and threatened - er.. promised! - that more nuggets were coming. i feel it is important to mention as i had previously that these are born out of personal convictions and challenges. any similarities to anyone whether real or imagined are not intended nor sought. however, if you happen to see yourself mirrored in these, perhaps Someone is trying to tell you something.

rubber chicken nugget #2
i, eye, aye

stop bragging, for goodness' sake. sometimes we brag and we don't even know it because we are so conditioned to make a name for ourselves. i got convicted over this when i realized that populating my conversation with things that i knew or did or accomplished didn't increase the value of that conversation one iota. it simply served to increase my value.

that's not what i want to be about. i want to be about making Jesus' name great. not my own.

since i've been working on it internally, my eyes have opened to it externally, and it is everywhere.

i get quizzed on the title, artist and release date of each song that plays on the radio in order to show how little i know and how much others know. that is neither fun for me, nor is it appealing of the other person.

feeling like i have value and that i have intelligence has been a life-long struggle for me. and while i continue to struggle, i am delighted to say that God is doing a work in me over this and stays my tongue on many an occasion when it would really like to wag about in honor of me.

did someone mistakenly think you did something (or failed to do something)? does it really matter in the long run whether or not you set them straight? let it go. (if it does, by all means, make it right!!)

does someone have an opinion about you, your work, or your hobby that may portray you in a light you feel isn't representative of "you"? will it change your status with the Lord Almighty? it doesn't require a response.

are you mentioning something in order to display what you know? is that what you want to propel your mouth into action? it doesn't need to be said.

and one may feel that it is limiting to hold your tongue, but on the contrary it is really quite freeing! i find that i am fretting less over what people think of me and am letting God be my judge. through His son i know i am set right before Him. i can't make that same claim with anyone else.

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. Proverbs 13:3

btw - i did this just today and was immediately so painfully aware that i once again tried to aim the spotlight at me. sigh. will i ever learn? my only consolation is the awareness in and of itself and a desire to eliminate this need within myself. thank God i have Him to rely upon as i prove to be inadequate when handling it on my own.

rubber chicken nuggets

2009-04-03T09:08:00.003-05:00

my boss gets punchy in the early afternoon. i try to have a white board marker in hand because i know he's bound to say something that will send us into fits of laughter and i'm going to want to capture it.

and while it's always funny, sometimes it is also very wise. which led me to call them nuggets (you know, like 'nuggets of wisdom'). and then i called them chicken nuggets because i'm a dorkina and i do things like that. he has a rubber chicken on his desk (seriously, people, don't ask) and so the title grew to rubber chicken nuggets during one of those early afternoon moments.

one of his greater rubber chicken nuggets was when he was talking about becoming second in your life, so that God can be first, and he said,

"your life can be become more about..
not you."

dang it - i love that. think about that. chew on it. roll it over in your mouth and experience it.

(we also say about rubber chicken nuggets that you can chew on 'em forever. i admit we have a lot of fun at work).

i've been thinking about some other nuggets. mostly ones i have been working at in my own life. and maybe none of you need this information in front of you like i do, if so then consider these posts me capturing them on my 'white board'.

rubber chicken nugget #1
should - NOT!

try not to say "you should have..." to people. it sends a message that you think they are inadequate, incapable, have done/said/decided something wrong or bad, and that you know more than they. even if any of these reasons are true, there is no value in reminding someone or holding it over their head.

and since you're saying "should have..." it is probably after the fact, and isn't it a bit late to be saying something now?

if you have neat information to share that you hope someone benefits from, then use a kinder, gentler approach. if you are saying it for other reasons, maybe it's best not to say it all, huh?

i've been working on saying things like "hey i found a cool way to do that, wanna hear it?" or "oh yes, i struggle with that, too, and a wise friend told me..." or "that happened to me, too. then i found this website [or book or other resource] that helped"... it puts us on the same level (where we belong) and tells my friend they are not alone, they are not the only ones that have thought/acted like that, and that i don't judge them for what they did/said.

people are so much more receptive to things i have to say when i don't shame them or act superior, but rather share it simply from one friend to another.

Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; Romans 114:10

stay tuned for more rubber chicken nuggets

still seeking Him

2009-03-31T07:05:00.003-05:00

so as not to leave you on a downer note.. i woke up this morning fresh as a daisy and enjoyed my daily reading from YouVersion.

i had an epiphany yesterday to read the bible online hoping the extra light from my laptop would help with the drowsiness. and also to utilize a program that has notes, comments, etc. so i could jot down my thoughts on certain passages as i went (we call that interactive, boys and girls).

know what? it really helped.

it did take me a few minutes to shake the cobwebs away, but once i did i really enjoyed my reading and i was able to think it through and actually have thoughts on it! yes! me! i thought! at 6am!

i think this was a do-over.

seeking Him

2009-03-30T09:10:00.002-05:00

i've given up sleeping in for lent.

people go "huh?" when i say that, so i have a follow-up statement to clarify: i'm getting up early every morning to spend time in the Word.

i am (by nature?) a night owl. and i find that i operate optimally when i get about 8.5 hours of sleep. and my sweet spot for focus and creativity starts at about 2pm.

so.. how's this morning thing going?

train wreck.

but i've committed and i will see it through. i keep holding out hope that after two more weeks it will become easier, if not second nature.

it all boils down to the simple fact that i want to know God more. i yearn for Him. i want to spend time with Him. i want to read His word.. no, not just read it, but study it. i want my ears to listen as one being taught. i don't want to just read so i can check it off my list, i want it to affect me, to change me and to reveal my God to me.

so with this yearning in my heart i set out to do the near impossible: get up early.

i chose early because as i looked at my day i realized how incredibly difficult it is to switch into devotional mode at any point in my workday - even if i could physically excuse myself from my work area, it wasn't very easy to separate my thoughts from it, and once i'm home it is occupied and full of the people i want to spend time with for what's left of my day. not to mention how i want God to be the first part of every day. which brings me to the dreaded morning.

i set my coffee maker to have my coffee ready at 6am and set my trusty alarm. the first few days i was up right at 6am. since then it has shifted to me being out of bed between 6:20 and 6:40. i would move into my front room - a room i hardly spend any time in and don't really have any 'ties' to it. i would sit at the bench and read, trying to keep my eyes open, trying to maintain focus, and caught myself wondering aloud how people can function so soon after rising.

i've since moved into the living room, to feel that i am having coffee with God. the front room was impersonal and if i invited someone over i would not offer them a place in that room. it is the living room i would visit with them in. it felt more natural that way, but i don't like how open it is to the rest of the house. all the same, i will try it out a bit longer and see how it works.

but it seems that regardless of the location i am still having a lot of trouble keeping my eyes open to read. when i finish reading i try to think back on what i've read to ensure i am not passing my eyes over the words just to say i've read. i've been unhappy with the results. sometimes i cannot tell you what i've read at all, other times i can pull out some sections but the message may have been lost on me. i guess you can imagine how well i am "studying".

i've also been trying to memorize some verses and in the morning when i recite them i feel like i'm trying to recall through a fog, most times unsuccessful. but a few hours later in the shower or on my way to work i can recall them with ease. i wonder at that.

is this something i can overcome? or am i really just not a morning person? granted i've only done this for exactly one week, but i feel that i have not had one quality morning with Him in this week. i've read some. i've prayed some. but i am still so hungry for Him that i feel i've not truly fed.

i will continue because i made a commitment. and perhaps because i am hopeful that it will 'kick in'. but for now i'm disappointed, frustrated and very very tired.

throughout the week i have increasingly gained circles under my eyes. and yesterday jon remarked on my entire countenance dragging. this morning i was grateful that i actually got a full night's sleep last night, but i am still pretty wiped.

i'm at a loss.

this post is drenched in negativity. that bothers me. in my quest for knowing God more i am finding myself worse off than when i started. but perhaps it is merely the dark before the dawn.

ugh. dawn.

fish oil for the eyes

2009-03-25T21:46:00.002-05:00

so i went to the eye doctor today and found out... [drum roll to build up the excitement and stall for suspense]... my eyes are good! but dry. very very dry.

he affirmed that the amount of money i put toward lasik was not wasted and that i had only a tiny amount of sight degradation and it was soley due to the (psst! come closer and i'll whisper this in your ear) aging process. other than that my eyes are great. no reading or driving glasses needed.

but my eyes are dry. i know this carries no shock value to those of you that have walked through the lasik process with me and watched me have to slather my eyes with goopity-mush-mush-gel-junk. for those of you that are unaware - i had to slather my eyes with goopity-mush-mush-gel-junk.

i was still taking restasis but was down to one drop in each eye per day. well i'm going back up to two a day. and the doc suggested taking an omega 3 oral supplement to help. apparently something in fish is good for keeping the orbs hydrated. well, ok, then. if it'll help, i'll try it.

i'm relieved it was nothing more than that. i would have been incredibly deflated to find out that everything i went through a year and a half ago was for nothing.

PHEW!!

sight for sore eyes

2009-03-17T22:44:00.002-05:00

i had laser surgery a year and a half ago to correct my vision. there were a few minor hiccups in the process due to my excessively dry eyes, but nothing they didn't warn me about. and once everything finally got 'straightened out' (they had to do a lift-and-smooth because one of my corneal flaps wrinkled - i shudder at the memory) it was finally a delight to wake up in the mornings to a clear view of... everything!

i mean, i could really see! i didn't have to squint or focus hard - things were just right there - before my very eyes.

if you've ever needed glasses (and really needed them. not like what i tease my dot about: i tell him that looking through his glasses is like looking through a window) then you know what a dream it was to not have to futz with any of that stuff anymore. no more contacts or solutions, no more wiping (smearing) dirty lenses,.. none of that.

i could see! and oh it was wonderful. for days upon days after the surgery i would remark with awe, "i can't believe i can see". those little precious moments where i can recall being just giddy over my un-aided vision.

it was pure, unadulterated sight.

it was the blind man seeing.

it was the veil being removed.

it is going away.

yes, i am sad to report that the world is growing blurry again and i am on day 6 of a headache. now the headache could be due to the atmosphere - i get sinusitis so easily you could whisper the word in my general direction and it would flare up. and the blurriness could be due to dryness. i've been trying to lubricate my eyes - i use a dot of vasolinesque product in my eyes at night and a lighter gel drop during the day which is still more hefty than saline or wetting drops. but what if that's not it?

what if i spent all that money, time, and energy fixing my vision to just have it get worse again in 18 months? why on earth would i sink that many resources into something that brings me right back to where i was in the first place? it's a pointless, hopeless waste!

maybe it's my fault. i haven't had my eyes checked since i left the laser center. i should be taking much better care of these eyes that need to last me my lifetime. is it something i should have done differently? should i have been hydrating them more regularly (or at all)? should i stop staring at a computer screen for hours on end? do i need to eat more carrots?

***

remember when you became a christian? and it seemed like everything came suddenly and sharply to focus and you were giddy with delight over what was so clear to you now that hadn't been before?

remember how you noticed that you could see things for what they were.. that you saw situations or people or yourself through a different light?

remember the clarity, and the focus and how the veil was removed?

how're you doin' with that? still got that eagle eye? or have things blurred?

i think our spiritual vision requires maintenance and upkeep just as our physical vision does. maybe we require some hydration - living water that quenches eternal. maybe we need to give them a break - fasting from the good to make room for the best (do you need to tear your eyes away from email, facebook, and twitter for a day to reset your eyes on Him)? what about those carrots - you seeking nourishment? you can't see properly if you don't have your eyes fixed on Him. i'm just sayin'.

i've got an appointment with the eye doctor next week. a good ole checkup just to make sure things are hunkey dorey. you getting checkups? do you have someone keeping you accountable to what you allow to fill your mind and your heart through what you see? all day long we input input input. and as a result, whether we think about it or not, we process process process. and filter filter filter. who's making sure the processing and filtering are working? and that the input isn't taking in things it shouldn't? let's not wait to see what we output output output to determine if we're still in good shape.

oh that tongue of ours can get us into trouble - we know that - but that's our output mechanism. before it comes to that, i want to challenge all of you to 'be careful little eyes what you see' and to care for the vision we have lest we lose it to misuse or lack of.

ultimately - keep your eyes fixed on Him.

facebook frenzy and a little bit o' heaven

2009-03-13T14:10:00.002-05:00

i tweeted in my sleep last night. now don't let your imagination get away with you - there were no resulting sounds or smells! - this was a twitter tweet. and i woke up thinking about social media.

as i pondered facebook and looked forward to connecting with friends and family again today, i was also yearning once more to know God better - to understand Him greater, to love Him deeper. and i giggled at a thought that struck me: i wanted to be a part of God's "news feed".

what if He were on facebook? He'd certainly befriend everyone. and He would delight over every post and poke that came His way, because they were from His dear ones. all of us His dear ones. we would get to read what's "on His mind" and receive messages from Him. and suddenly - i wanted nothing more than to befriend God on facebook. i wanted that intimacy that we can achieve with our friends and our families and those we have reconnected with after way too long. i wanted minute-by-minute updates on His status, i wanted to review and delight over our wall-to-walls.

and then another revelation hit me. we already have all that access to Him. and more! He has come to earth and bound himself in flesh and allowed that flesh to rip and tear and let loose the blood that saves this wretch. He gave me His word and as hard as we have tried.. His word cannot be broken. and oh how we tried. the shame of how we tried!

we have His spirit. His truth. we have His life - eternal eternal life!

i was delighting in this - spending the afternoon with Him. and while i reveled in His company (He joined me for coffee), i found another even greater joy!

i got to taste a little bit o' heaven.

i found through facebook, a dear, dear family member i had lost contact with. as soon as we reconnected - and it really was almost immediately - we began messaging and chatting and getting caught up. before i knew it i was crying and laughing out loud - just bursting with pleasure and giddiness. it was fabulous (it still is!). i simply couldn't type fast enough to share my life with him, and he me. when we finally parted with incredible difficulty so that he could get back to work, i began to twirl and slide across the floor in my stockinged feet (i simply don't care if that sounds old-fashioned. i am who i am), giggling and whooping. i was thanking God for this reunion and treasuring every memory it brought to me - holding them up to the light, examining them, and delighting in every exquisite detail. i was in the clouds.

and i realized - this is surely a tiny taste of what our heavenly reunion will be like. i imagined running up to friends, family, neighbors and holding them and looking them over and soaking in every bit of who they are and how very precious they are to me. and celebrating our lives - the past and the unfathomable future.

and then, i thought about finally getting to fall into my Maker's arms. oh what sheer delight just filled my soul. can you imagine it? my mind cannot wrap around this for fear of reducing it to an embarrassing blob of 'way-off-base'.

i will finally be home.

how i will rejoice that day. and i look forward to seeing all of you there. the grief of missing any one of you is simply too much. my heart cannot hold it. please come with me! if you don't know the way - i want to show you! or at the very very least, let me share with you how my life will never be the same because it belongs to Him now.

love to all of you.

the e word

2009-02-28T14:23:00.003-06:00

my dot and i went to a leader rally this morning at church. we looked at the church's direction for the next year or so and about hopping on board this i am second movement. it pretty much boils down to the 'e' word.

people don't like the word evangelism. it drums up all kinds of negative images and connotations. but the truth of the matter is, it isn't going away and it continues to remain our call as christians. but it isn't about religion and it isn't about force feeding anything to anyone. it's about being Jesus to those that need Him. it's about people and relationships and hurts that need healing and hearts that need love. it's about doing what Jesus did and is still all about.

i love that my church desire to do just that. it makes me proud to be a part of such an incredible group of people.

i hope and pray God provides me opportunities to share my story with other people and tell them why i am no longer first in my life. i want people to know the grace i have experienced and let them know it is there for them as well. i want to live for the God who loved me and saved me and is deserving of all praise. i just.. well i just want to love God with every thing i am and give my life back to Him to use however He sees fit.

quiet

2009-02-21T09:12:00.003-06:00

yesterday around noon dot and my brother left for a men's retreat. so i ended up with the house to myself this weekend. i am enjoying several things about this:
1) it is deliciously quiet
2) i slept in the middle of the bed, at a diagonal
3) no snory bear (refer back to #1)
4) i can blog without someone reading over my shoulder
5) the only messes i have to clean up are my own, ergo i am not cleaning up any messes!
6) it is deliciously quiet

about number 4... i have noticed that i get irritated when someone tries to read over my shoulder. and i could be reading an ingredients list on a jar of spaghetti but it will still get to me. it's not that i don't want someone to see what i am seeing - the content is not the point, it's the act of intrusion.

there have been several times where i've intended to blog.. even signed in to blogger, but then someone hangs over me watchin' my screen and i just can't do it. and the funny thing about it is that whatever i end up putting out here is open for all eyes to see. i guess the difference is that they aren't viewing it over my shoulder.

this has always bothered me. i wonder how much of this is a valid complaint or if it is just me being a pill. i'm entirely open to the fact that it could just be me.

at any rate, i am here and blogging and the only eyes on the page are my own. it is a satisfying feeling.

[for those of you wondering, no jon is not the perpetrator. i've already broken him of that habit. haha. j/k.]

i'm about to brew a cup of coffee and settle in for some bible study. then run a few errands and possible lunch at le madeleine. their tomato basil soup is fabulous! then i'll probably knit or read until life group tonight.

a leisurely day. no work. in fact, i have forbidden myself from working (which may be another factor contributing to me actually being on blogger than elsewhere). it's hard. i know of several things that need to be done. but... i require the down time. i've been working many evenings and every weekend for several weeks now and i'm feeling it.

alrighty then. i'm coffee bound.

salt grass

2009-01-30T17:37:00.003-06:00

we have about an hour before dinner. jon's birfday dinner. he is now 38 - the same age as me!

i'm letting him rest (and snore) on the couch before we have to go, k2 is playing a video game on tv, and i thought i would get on blogger like i've intended to for waaayy too long.

jon took the day off for us to spend together for his birfday (which was yesterday). we had a leisurely morning, then went to oak cliff so he could see some of his old work buddies. he walked through the floor he worked on, shaking hands and getting caught up. he seemed thrilled to get to see everyone again.

six of us went to lunch together at vitto's, an italian restaurant that they'd all been to many times. it was amazing! they had these garlic-saturated rolls that they set out as appetizers that were to die for! i remember when he worked down there and they'd eat at that place for lunch.. i would smell garlic still on his breath when he'd come home that night. but garlic breath is a small and inconsequential price to pay for such a heavenly treat. i had the eggplant parmesan there. i was intrigued by their claim on the menu to add ricotta cheese between layers of eggplant so i had to try it. YUM! i'm so glad i have leftovers!

after lunch i snapped a picture of jon and his friends and gave lindsey my information so we wouldn't lose touch. she's jon's friend but i think she's way cool so i claim her.

then we drove up to whitesboro to visit with jon's aunt while she processed our paperwork for passports. we are going on a cruise to the bahamas in september and we are getting the logistics out of the way now. jon's mom had driven over from kingston so we got to visit with her some, too. it was nice to see them and was truly the highlight of the drive up.

oh yes, the drive. we listened to a book on cd. i had been listening for about a week or so during my short commute and jon just joined in when we got in the car this morning. we're only two discs from the end now. i enjoy the author's writing style and creativity. it is also read by the author which doesn't always work out so well, but she does a good job and we've been enjoying it. some of it made us laugh out loud.

came home to find my boy cat up and around and asking for food - YES! he is finally better after a week of moping around the house slurping snot and feeling all around miserable. poor little man. but he seems to finally be feeling himself again and has dried up significantly.

i called salt grass for 'call ahead seating' because they don't do reservations and we're meeting everyone there at 6:30pm. jon wanted pork chops! i checked out the menu and there are things there i will eat.. i am mostly excited about the range rattlers: "jumbo jalapeños stuffed with whole shrimp & jack cheese, fried to a golden brown." i will be trying them. oh yes. i will.

well, a glance at the clock tells me we should head on out.

happy birfday, my heart, even though it was yesterday! i LOVE you!

clearly

2009-01-03T09:31:00.003-06:00

first - some great book recommendations:
the shack. everyone's talking about it and rightly so. it's an awesome piece of fiction that may change how you perceive your relationship with God and who you are in Him.
black. the first in a trilogy about a guy who wakes up in another world whenever he falls asleep here, and wakes up here whenever he falls asleep there. and thrilling adventures ensue in both places. took me no time at all to blast through it and now i'm onto red, the second in the circle.

i've been thinking about marketing and how simple moments of life are captured to make a product or service appealing. like depression pill commercials will show someone opening the blinds on their windows to reveal the sun shining in and the beauty of the outdoors, maybe even their own children playing in the yard. made me think that what they're selling isn't a depression pill at all (well, yes, they ARE, but through selling something else) - but the parts of life that people want. despite how clamorous and busy we work at making our lives, our inner desire is to make things as simple as possible. despite how people rarely say what they mean, we yearn for things to be straightforward.

a model home will sell houses because it is decorated minimally with clean lines and open spaces. there isn't clutter, there aren't overdone walls and furniture. but when we buy the house that it represents we fill it up to overflowing and feel unsettled and wonder what happened.

jon got me a camera for christmas and as i was learning how it worked i started really looking at the pictures i took. and i saw so much beauty in them. they were just so darn simple - my cats taking turns sitting in a box, my nephew peering over a balcony and looking very small, my mom with a bandanna tied around her head and making rocker signs with her hands. they captured real life, real simple fun unencumbered and straightforward life. it's what we find attractive and appealing. it's what sells!

i felt like i was seeing life clearly. the simpler it seemed, the clearer it became. and it was just the way i wanted it. regardless of what our life's efforts appear to betray about us, it really is what we seem to be after.

makes me think about all the hubbub of the career ladder and wall street and titles and prestige. and as crazy as people allow their lives to get, when they want to 'get away', they choose the simple. it seems to be in our very nature. so why aren't we grabbing onto that with both hands and building our lives around that instead? why does it just have to be what holidays are made of? why do we wait for christmas to spend time with family? why do we wait for those two weeks out of the year to stand outdoors and breath in nature? if it pleases us so much, why do we complicate and busy up our lives? are we that mislead and greedy?

i choose to see things clearly.
i choose simple.
i choose life.

a lot like christmas

2008-12-13T13:35:00.005-06:00

i was rejoicing out loud to k2 that i had monday off (to recuperate from festival) and he said "yay! a four-day weekend!". and we had these huge smiles on our faces. then we looked at each other, focused, and i realized what he then said out loud, "wait - a one-day weekend!". my smile was not as big then.

but i still smiled.

this festival has put a lot of things in perspective for me. i haven't had time to buy gifts. i've declined several invitations to christmas parties. and i've had zero time to figure out what our christmas plans are.

but i have given a lot of my time away. i've invited a lot of people in the community to a church event. i've made free tickets available to people who need them. i've smiled at hundreds of people i don't know and wished them a merry christmas, a great program, or just given them kind attention. i've picked trash up off the floors and wiped soapy water off bathroom counters so people would have a clean church to visit. i've gotten a lot of volunteers involved in the festival, and thus benefiting our church and the community. i've contributed cookies to the bake sale where the proceeds go to 3e McKinney. i've moved furniture. i've stayed up late. i've prayed - no, CRIED out to God for this event to be a success in His eyes.

i've thought about the people coming and how much they just might need God. i've been concerned over how much time and energy other people have been spending and praying they will find rest and peace. i've looked outward instead of inward. i've labored in prayer over those who God is bringing to this event who may, for the very first time, experience God's love.

i've been about God and others.

i'd say it sounds a lot more like christmas than my christmas usually does.

cracking up

2008-12-01T22:43:00.002-06:00

today in papa's office, we were having a very serious meeting regarding The Festival. when suddenly, out of nowhere. i laughed. it kind of peeped out. then another. and another! and the next thing i know i've got tear balls racing down my cheeks.

i think my body was releasing stress. i'd much rather do it that way than be having bad dreams.

the other night i dreamt that after the children's drama performance, the audience thought they'd be nice and help us out by stacking all of the chairs up by the walls. when i found out about it, they were done and i went flying in there trying to find someone to help me put the chairs back out yelling [you know, in the slow-mo way of dreams] "wee hhaaaavvve anooottther performance - get the chaaiiiirrrss back out!"

then i tried to get to my boss to tell him what happened so he could make an announcement in the other venue so they don't do the same thing. but i couldn't get to him very easily because we created an obstacle course through the hallway that led to the backstage area where he was. we did that to keep people from going back there. turns out, it was me that was trying to get through.

when i finally made it through and i told him what he needed to announce he asked me to write it in a note for him to take on stage w/him. so i wrote it out and then he acted like he wasn't sure he'd remember to LOOK at the note while on stage and wanted me to bring it out to him at the moment he needed to announce it.

i woke up in a dreadful state.

yeh. i think i'd rather have more laughing fits.

the quiet moments

2008-11-29T08:52:00.003-06:00

this morning i got up a little early to peel yams and get them in the crockpot. my plan was to get it going and then head back to bed, but the quiet of the morning called to me and instead i sat down and went through some old entries in my writing blog and my bible study blog.

some of my favorites:
strangers in heaven - orangesque
the father lovs us - the orange bible
string of pearls - orangesque
my life is a dash - orangesque
beware - the orange bible

the sad truth is i haven't really written in a long while. i haven't taken the time to sit, think, ponder, and then lay it all out on a page. i love to use words as my palette with which i can paint an idea, a theme, or an entire landscape of thought.

i know there are seasons we live through and some are conducive to taking those quiet moments and creating, and some may not be. regardless, i need to take more quiet moments. i know that. but i usually choose to be lazy.

i miss the quiet moments. i need to remedy that.

show your work

2008-11-28T10:55:00.002-06:00

in my dream last night i was in an algebra class and i got a test result back. i've always been good at math and my answers were 100%. but i got marked down because i didn't show my work. whut the heck?

i knew the answer. i didn't have to write it all out to figure out the answer. i just knew it. i did it fast and easy - i did what came naturally to me. and i was being penalized for not doing it the long way!

surely there has been some kind of research on people who don't need to write all the work down in order to arrive at an answer. in fact, showing my work always messed me up. i would get everything muddled in my head if i had to do it that way. so.. what does that way about me?

that is rhetorical. i'm pretty sure i don't really want to know the answer. ha ha.

btw - in my dream my regular teacher was out and my senior pastor was our substitute and he said he hates substituting in math classes because there really is no way to lecture on that stuff (another anti-show your work geek??) and so he gave us a 'free day'. and our tech intern sat right behind me in class.

far reaching

2008-11-27T11:02:00.003-06:00

I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving.

i am a walking talking story of grace and i cannot celebrate thanksgiving without giving heartfelt thanks for God for reaching down into the depths of the pits i seemed bent on living in and saving me. how it is that i, of all people more qualified and more dignified, get to participate in kingdom work is usually completely beyond me. until i realize, once again, that the point is to give God the glory. so if He chooses one who simply cannot do it on their own, then it will be all more obvious that it is God's provision and hand doing the work. amen to that!! and praise Him for that, because it gives me hope that He will use me.

i am thankful today for the life God has given me. i pledge it to Him wholeheartedly and pray that He will do with it what He chooses. it is all His anyway! i may as well simply recognize it and act accordingly.

to the Maker, the Lover of my soul, to the Lord God on High, i praise You this day with a song in my heart, i magnify You in an overflow of thanksgiving.

a month of proverbs

2008-11-26T10:15:00.001-06:00

i've been enthralled with proverbs before but usually i cannot get past the first few chapters. not that i stopped, just that i kept reading chapters one and two over and over. they.. well,... enthrall me.

when the boy told me a few weeks ago that he was pledging to read proverbs in a month (actually he wanted to read it through twice in a month) i was excited for him and relayed how much i enjoyed it and even pointed to something there that i found so interested that led me to "the power of the spoken word".

yesterday i followed up with him and asked how that reading was coming along. and he confessed that he had not done it. he will readily admit that he is lazy. oh man, do i ever get that. i invented the true meaning of that word!!

well anyway my passion for proverbs has been renewed and now i have committed to reading it through in a month (if i can only get past those precious first few chapters!!!).

and to enhance my journey, my dear sweet husband replaced my orange grippery goodness bible. "replaced?" you ask. yes. my first one was stolen. STOLEN!! a bible! hulloh! well, i figured, they must need it more than i if they are resorting to stealing it to obtain one.

the replacement was my birthday present into which i immediately scribed my name and contact info so that it may be returned if anyone happens upon it. (thou shalt not make the same mistake twice)

and so theorangebible.blogspot.com resumes.

wisdom
knowledge
understanding

i think i love these passages because it deals with matters i have held so dear throughout my life. i've always placed a (probably unhealthy?) value on intellect - madly desiring to be viewed as intelligent, rather than promoted for looks. i remember flinching when my dad used to tell people how 'cute' i was, while never once indicating that i was a smart girl. and so i spent a good part of my life thirsting - no, lusting - to be recognized for my intelligence.

well, God says, you want wisdom? you wanna be a smart girl? here it is - wisdom 101 bundled right inside My Word. proverbs.

and you know, not once in proverbs does it say the wise shall be promoted for their wisdom, the smart shall be recognized as so.

seek wisdom and you shall find it. seek recognition... !? well, you get the idea.

proverbs 1:7 says

the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction

i love this. i love it because the course my life has taken in the past few months has been challenging and painful. but in an incredibly good way and i would never ever take it back if i could. but through the hard stuff, i still wanted to press on and keep taking what God was doling out knowing it was for my good. and i desperately sought his instruction.

could it be, then, that after all i fouled up, i am not a fool? that i am just a girl who had her eyes on herself all the while truly desiring to have her eyes fully on God? and that the past few months have been the result of those eyes beginning to shift upward?

it was hard. but i still desired wisdom and instruction. oh, praise Him, there continues to be hope for me.

but whoever listens to me will dwell secure
and will be at ease, without dread of disaster

i know that whatever comes my way is for good, for instruction and training. i know that true disaster will never befall me (for the only true disaster is separation from my God for whom i yearn). i can lose limbs, lose family, lose my appetite but i shall never, no not ever, lose my Father in heaven. this buoys me.

in my quest for knowledge may i remain faithful to the teachings laid out for us. and may i praise Him all of my days for giving me life and love and all the Word i need for a life well lived according to Him in glory.

Praise the LORD! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens!

Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness!

Praise him with trumpet sound; praise him with lute and harp!

Praise him with tambourine and dance; praise him with strings and pipe!

Praise him with sounding cymbals; praise him with loud clashing cymbals!

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD! Praise the LORD!

i noticed this started out about wisdom and ended up in praise. isn't that the way it should be? isn't that the outpouring of what we are wise to? the more we learn of our Lord, the more we are heart-bent on praising Him.

go check this song out on iTunes.. it's one of my all-time favs: o praise Him

and here is the video from youtube:

charletains on the home page

2008-10-23T23:08:00.002-05:00

so here i am utilizing youtube because we are somewhat limited right now in how we can present videos on our website. and we have this really awesome video that 'advertises' our upcoming series called purity in a polluted world.

so here's this video sitting on our front page of the website for all the world to see, or at the very least visible to the congregation i attend, my fellow staffers, and my senior pastor. and after this great, cool, clean video draws to an end, up pops these 'related' videos. which weren't that great or cool or even related. and were the very antithesis of clean.

suffice it to say they are part of the polluted world out of which we need purity.

i got a call from my communications director and jumped online to get something on the front page while i sought a solution. after scouring the community help pages, there it was - six blessed characters that would keep me from getting a phone call from the pastor's wife: &rel=0

it means after the video plays, it will not search for any 'related' videos.

muuuuuuch better.

i love you &rel=0. you keep me out of trouble, sane, and pure in a polluted world. i think i might hug you.

a cup for flowers

2008-10-16T08:25:00.003-05:00

i was at a friend's house last friday getting caught up on each other's lives. her kids were outside playing and her daughter came in asking if she could get a cup. we asked what it was for and she said she wanted to collect flowers in it. so my friend got up to get one for her. and her daughter's face widened and brightened into a ginormous smile, she jumped up and down, clapped her hands and said "a cup for flowers - yay!!" when it was placed into her hands she ran out the door, giddy with delight.

my friend and i looked at each other and together said, "wow".

a cup for flowers. that is all her daughter wanted. and she started to celebrate right in front of us when she realized she would get it.

we talked about that for a while because it really moved us. we forget to celebrate the little things. we've lost our delight over the simple. and all it took was a child, ferocious at play, to remind us of it.

i want to be a person who isn't so busy, or isn't so consumed with business, or who doesn't have the time to stop and smell the cup of flowers. i want to catch the excitement over something i've chalked up to mundane. i want to feel alive over the seemingly insignificant things of God's creation.

i have a feeling that when we truly put God first, the lens He provides for us to look through captures this stuff. our hearts are more in tune with the pleasures that are all around us that we've lost sight of.

i want to fill up a cup with flowers and marvel at how fun it is and how pretty they are and how something so simple can be so delightful. and i want to remember how God has a purpose for even those little flowers, and how much more of a purpose He may have for those of us He calls His own children.

a cup for flowers - yay!!

the seat of faith

2008-10-10T14:59:00.006-05:00

on monday, in lieu of our staff meeting and potluck, we went on a prayer tour. at 11:15 we loaded onto a yellow school bus with our sack lunches, found our seats and settled in with our 3eMcKinney prayer tour booklet that took us through some tough areas of mckinney as well as highlighted some great programs that are in place to serve those less fortunate than ourselves. the booklet also described different ways of taking the prayer tour - we were in for the drive-by-prayer adventure.

we listened to larry (3e's exec director) narrate our trip, as we bumped along through parts of mckinney i had never seen, in fact didn't even know existed. it was eye-opening to see what happens right under our noses and yet escape our attention every day.

it was an incredible opportunity to learn more about as well as pray for our community. it made me want to step it up in service because i believe in all the things 3e and other organizations are trying to do to help.

when we stopped to let one our staff out for a bathroom run (i will not squeal on her by giving up a name!! and besides when we stopped quite a few others took advantage of bathroom availability) i snapped a photo of the rest of us.

the really cool thing was that i noticed there were names above all the seats and so of course i immediately turned to see what name was over mine. it was faith. and it dawned on me, "i'm in the seat of faith".

my friend chris snapped a photo of me holding up my prayer book next to faith's name.

while we are in the middle of our series on faith, it was a great reminder that having the kind of faith you read about in hebrews 11, is the same kind of faith i can have. those are ordinary people, and so am i. extraordinary faith is possible for even me.

i love that God brought that to my attention and that He wants me in the seat of faith.

the joys of parenting

2008-08-19T23:29:00.002-05:00

the boy has been lying.

at first we learned it was little things, like the fact that he hadn't been to a scheduled appointment because his dad didn't make it back in town on time (after leading us to believe that he had gone). or that he was going somewhere with us when he really wasn't.

but then it was a bigger thing. like when i asked him if his dad knew of a very important upcoming event in his life. he said yes. but his dad didn't know.

and then the biggest thing. his counselor told him to be platonic in a relationship and he failed to communicate that to the girl.

we had dinner with his parents tonight to get some facts straight and to determine what the punitive response would be. we've taken away his cell phone and computer for a week (at least) for now. in addition, he will soon find that he will not be attending the said above event because he tried to play us and make us all think he was going with the others.

when we talked to him tonight after picking him up after our dinner, he at first tried to defend himself. but it was obvious that he had chosen half-truths at best, and flat out lies at worst. i like to think he felt remorse over the dishonesty.

and there were tears.

it kills me that he is struggling so much. especially when a good part of the struggle is him trying to keep himself from opening up. i can tell he is just bursting with stuff, but he still won't talk.

i gave him a chance tonight. i kept the window of opportunity open for quite a while, but he stuck to the decision not to talk and insisted he was satisfied with that decision. so i closed the window.

but now i am praying that the Lord, if indeed He is prompting him to take that next step, to open up to us, that He would fill the boy with discontent and not let him find a moment of comfort or rest until He is obedient to the Spirit's prompting.

it's so easy to see from my standpoint how easy it is to take that step, and yet i remember struggling with doing things outside my comfort zone as a teenager, too. it's dang hard!! i just pray i can help him and follow God's call as i continue to care for him.

may my dot and i both be an example to the boy, and may we move closer to God, seek Him and all His ways, and be obedient to whatever He would have us do in this situation.

i sure do love that kid. i hope he starts to feel that.

the day after the day after

2008-06-25T17:38:00.003-05:00

today was better. so so much better. my range of motion in my neck has increased dramatically! i don't have to rely on peripheral vision just to look at someone when they're talking to me. and i slept so good and hard today. i guess i needed it. :)

i didn't take any meds today except some major ibuprofen first thing this morning. i wanted to see how bad off i really was and am surprised by how much better i really am already! i attribute it fully to God's response to the many prayers of my friends and family. aren't they awesome??

my neck and chest are still sore, and it makes swallowing feel 'heavy' and sore. i did still put ice on my knee-knots but even those have gone down and the bruise on my hip from my safety belt buckle is not hindering me from laying on that side.

the rest of me just feels like i worked out way too hard 2 days ago. which, well, i guess i DID!

we still don't know if my car is salvageable, but either way i'm not real concerned. i know God is going to protect us and care for us, even if things don't go "our way", so how can i even get a notion of gripe in with that truth wrapping itself around me?

and tonight one of our dear friends is bringing us subway. while it isn't at all necessary, it is blessedly and graciously accepted and makes me realize once again how much i have. friends wow me. and i know it is the love of God that propels them to do these seemingly simple things that amount to way more on my end than they could fully know.

as my body heals, i am quite overcome and overwhelmed with how much is in His hands and how much i don't want it in mine.

there is nothing monotonous about this chaos!

2008-06-24T14:10:00.002-05:00

ok people, here's how it went down:

i was driving home from work with k2 in the car.. it was a little after 7pm i think and we were slowing down to a line of folks stopped at a light. there was a blue car behind us that i could see from the rear view mirror wasn't slowing down quickly enough. i had a feeling he was going to hit us. the oncoming traffic lane was empty so i took advantage of that and turned the wheels to the left and was going to head there to avoid getting hit, but he hit us anyway.

i didn't clear the car in front of us, but i did lessen the impact quite a bit. the front passenger side wheel on my car is crunched up underneath (along with some other fun problems my car took on for me - thank you, meg!!), and it had to get towed. we'll find out if it is fixable or not.

the blue car knocked us about 30-some odd feet forward in the empty lane so that we ended up in front of the car that was in front of us! and i think they got hit twice - by us and by the guy behind us. then they knocked the truck in front of them. four vehicles involved. crazy!

the car in front of us had a couple in the front seat. the lady was really crying and i asked if they were okay and just got a shell-shocked affirmative nod. they also had a kid in the back. they stayed in the car until the paramedics strapped them to boards and loaded them in the ambulance... all three of them! and the kid must've been pretty young because it looked like it was in an infant chair on the board. :(

the guy behind us eventually staggered out of his car and had his head down and his hand on his face or nose. not sure if he just had a headache or a bloody nose or a broken nose or what. he ended up getting strapped to a board and loaded into an ambulance, too.

the guy in the truck pulled over onto the side of the road and got out. k2 and i got out, too, but we couldn't move the car with the wheel all torn up and crunched. but at least we were out and okay.

very soon we had a police car, a police cruiser, 2 fire trucks and i think 2 ambulance on the scene. they responded very quickly to the guy in the truck's phone call. thank you community servants!!

i called jon as soon as it happened and he pretty much left work immediately. when he arrived he helped take care of where my car would be towed and some stuff which was relieving because by then i had felt a little woozy and i sat down on the curb. 2 of the paramedics helped me to jon's car, turned his a/c on for me and rolled up the windows and shut the doors. i almost teared up at their kindness and was so grateful they had come to our 'rescue'.

my neck was getting pretty stiff and the soreness was starting to travel down my neck/back. jon took k2 and me to his hospital where they checked us thoroughly for injuries. k2 is totally fine (praise the Lord!!).

me? i'm pretty sore/stiff in the neck. my knees have knots under them where my legs hit the underside of the dash like a little rag doll. they're gonna be pretty shades of purple in a few days i think. jon and i were joking about them being so big they looked like another knee. and i've got soreness in my chest from my shoulder harness. on my right hip is a purple bruise from the safety belt buckle. and even my jaws and arms are sore, i guess from tightening up.

but - all in all, i am in good condition and so very blessed to not have been taken to the hospital on a board!

i'm grateful for everyone who is praying for me and who has offered to help out in any way. i have some great friends and awesome coworkers and an amazing family. there have been moments where i am overwhelmed with relief for how things have played out. and other moments where my heart sinks at the thought of anyone else being hurt. and through it all, it is evident that God is in control and He holds the universe in His hand, and yet He still loves me. a God like that, loving a person like this. i don't deserve it. but i'll take it!

banana pudding

2008-06-03T09:21:00.001-05:00

happy birfday dad.

i miss you. i love you. i cannot wait to see you again.

the Father loves us

2008-05-23T08:44:00.001-05:00

one of our favorite verses in the bible is john 3:16

for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life

wow! what a statement! and what a promise!

God loves us. and He so loves us that He gave up His son for us. and, again, so much so we could have life eternal.

God loves us.

i was reading in john 14 this morning, about Jesus trying to tell the disciples that He is leaving and explaining to them about the Spirit coming to be with them. it's heady stuff. at least for this little girl.

verse 31 captured me. it says

but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here.

it's not as popular as john 3:16. it isn't even really taught that much. this is probably the first time i've ever really studied it. and then i wondered why.

it's so much more fun to think of 3:16 - God so loved the world, than it is to think of 14:31 - so that the world may know I love the Father. because Jesus loving the Father has nothing to do with,.. well.. us! i mean it does, when you get all theologicalness about it, but it doesn't specifically relate itself to us, the reader, now does it?

it's huge, though. it's incredibly important because it tells us why on earth Jesus Christ, God Himself incarnate, would submit Himself to death at the hand of satan when He could squash him like a little insignificant mite. but He doesn't. why? the verse tells us - He loves the Father. and it is so important that the world know that, apparently, because He goes through with the crucifixion so they will know that He loves Him.

there's this incredible cycle of love and displaying of that love that happens in the human life of Jesus. He is given to the world out of the Father's love for the world, He dies for the world out of His love for the Father. one shouldn't stop at the first verse because the next one completes the cycle and explains oh so much. and if He does this so the world may know He loves the Father - why aren't we telling them? if it's that important that they know,.. why aren't we doing our part to inform them?

i have an idea why. do you want to hear it?

seems we're too wrapped up in our own selves - and keep wanting to hear how much God loves us, that we don't want to scroll past the verse that reminds us of it. we want it to be about us. we want the whole message of Christ and saving us from being forever separated from God the Father,.. to be about us. and being loved. by God.

we want to feel lovable, we want to know we're loved, we want to be loved. we want to hear how we are loved, and we want to reach out for that love.

get over ourselves!!

it's about Him, all of Him, the truth of Him, the reality of Him, the foreverness and perfectness of Him. can we just unwrap us from ourselves and fall at His feet? huh? can we?

and if it's important enough for the world to know of Jesus' love of the Father that He would obey Him to His death, then we need to be getting that word out, too. the gospel is a story of love. but it isn't just us being loved that the gospel is all about. it's also about the Father being so fully worthy of love that His own Son - God, also, mind you - loves Him to such degree that He would submit to death in order to display it for all the world.

it's one thing to have someone die for me out of love for me. it's quite telling and an insanely different story to have someone die for me out of love for someone else. WOW - it blows my mind!!

i think like a vegetarian

2008-05-22T22:00:00.002-05:00

this morning i was checking emails on my phone - you can only see a certain amount of the subject line due to space on my phone's screen. i occasionally get recipes from kalyn's kitchen. when i saw the email from her site today, all i could see of the subject line was "sauteed chick" and i thought to myself, 'i've never heard of sauteed chickpeas'. and then i thought, 'but they'd probably be pretty good.'

i opened the email to find it was really a recipe for sauteed chicken breast.

never dawned on me.

the safety of my home

2008-04-18T09:06:00.002-05:00

we're studying luke right now in the series called 'the heart of the matter'. this past week's lesson talked about the widow's gift to God - which was simply two small coins but was all she had to live on. and one of the discussion questions was about what we are doing to help people in need, and what would God say about what we are doing?

and it got me to thinking about how i am such a homebody. i like being home. home makes me happy. when i am away from home i miss it. i miss my cats, i miss the familiar surroundings, i yearn to return.

so when i give, it is usually out of the comfort of my home that i give.

it's like this: we tithe. it has been our joy to be able to give back to God what is His and we recognize that He has carried us through an immensely stressful financial period of our lives, and continues to do so. what right do we have to keep any money that is His? so we tithe. probably not enough, according to the widow's mite.

we also want to give an offering to a ministry jon is heavily involved in. that is over and above our tithe, we feel appropriately so.

and we are willing to open our home to someone who needs it - someone who cannot stay in their own home right now. we've prayed about fostering for some time now, and we feel this situation is something God's been preparing us for and that we should step up, so we've offered our home and we are simply going to wait in obedience for confirmation that it will happen.

but giving money and offering our home is still within our comfort zone.

someone might look at me and say - are you crazy? inviting a teenager that isn't family into your home? your whole home life will be turned upside down.

true. but i'm still home. this is my refuge, my place i find solace. how much of a sacrifice is it, then, if i am still home?

maybe i'm too hard on myself and giving my homelife up to a huge change will truly be a sacrifice, but i know me. and i know that a true sacrifice in the world of trace is being away from home.

could it be that God has given us this house we live in as a resource to reach out to people and share His grace and provision with others? is that the calling? or is there more God is preparing me for? is there more stepping out in faith to come and this is just a stepping stone of faith?

i guess what i'm saying is, as much as i want to say i am sacrificing for Him (giving to Him everything i have to live on, as the widow did), is it truly a sacrifice, is it truly all i have, if i am still in the comfort of 'home'?

i'd like to say it is. but something in me knows that i would much rather give all i have and get to stay at home, then to give little bits here and there and not have home. where, then, is the sacrifice?

pondering these things, and praying to be faithful in all things.

beware

2008-04-14T08:21:00.001-05:00

when you see signs that start with beware, you are likely to think there is something dangerous and harmful that you are being warned to be on high alert for.

similarly, when we hear someone say beware, we change how we hear what is next. we aren't listening to something quaint or funny. we don't expect to hear something soft and kind. no, we prepare ourselves for something that is not good for us, something that can hurt us, something that we need to keep watch for and avoid.

right?

so, imagine being in Jesus' day, and having been a student of the law you are now considered an expert. people come to you for advice because you know the law up one side and down the other. and why shouldn't you? you are an expert!

and now Jesus' has just told everyone in a crowd around you to beware of you.

man, that's harsh. that's like being in grade school and a girl tells all her little friends not to talk to you. what an outcast you will become. they all suddenly look at you differently, like you are diseased.

but it is that important not to make God's Word into a trump card to serve yourself.

duh.

but not so much, duh, because really, we do this a lot more often than we think. sure, we aren't out there like television evangelists asking for money and living in mansions and having several cars in your multi-car garage and wearing gold watches that cost more than the annual income of most of the people you are soliciting. but we still do it.

in littler ways, and in much less conspicuous ways, which makes it maybe even a little more dangerous because it's near impossible to detect. and if you don't detect it, it will take root in you and grow.

i have been so convicted reading luke 20:45-47.

45 And in the hearing of all the people he said to his disciples, 46 "Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes, and love greetings in the marketplaces and the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, 47 who devour widows’ houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation."

because i know how i like praise. i like people to see me doing things for God. it is not why i do it, i am so very happy to say, but it is a thought not too far behind my decision to submit or obey. it doesn't take me long to realize that people are going to see the results of this decision and i delight in knowing how it makes me look.

ugh! i hate that. i hate that it is even a thought in my head, even if it is fleeting. i hate that i desire man's recognition at all. and yet, i do. (and i hate admitting it, too!)

and while i don't devour widow's property, do i put the money that God has entrusted me with to the use that He intended it? [i'm shaking my head no].

i serve me. that's really what it boils down to. i always have 'me' in the back of my mind and how it will affect 'me' and what 'i' will get out of it and even thinking how serving God will make 'me' feel.

where is the blinding and unconditional love that i must have for Him? the kind that makes me forget all about 'me' and forges straight into the thick of serving Him with absolute abandon of the cost or the affect it will have on my comfort? where is that?

and seriously, does God deserve anything less? how inappropriate to give Him something far inferior of what He is worthy and expects. His very being demands it!

money is nothing we should beware. it is the heart of the matter that we need to recognize and attend to.

for whom does our heart beat? what in your life indicates otherwise?

a spirit of yes

2008-04-10T10:49:00.003-05:00

that's a neat catchy phrase, don't you think?.. "a spirit of yes".

i was talking with a friend of mine yesterday about how sometimes God may not want us to actually DO something, but to be WILLING to do something. like, in her case, going on a trip to poland. when she was first approached about this trip, her response was

i don't want to go, but i will if You want me to

then there's that part where God deals with your heart, challenges you, changes you,.. molds you into the person He has designed you to be. that is what happened to my friend. she developed a change of heart about the trip. it became

i want to go, but i will stay if You want me to

i will stay? yes, as it turned out, along with her heart change, the trip changed and there was a big possibility that it would not happen after all.

we talked about how, perhaps, God's design in all of this was to get her to place where she had a spirit of 'yes'.

boy howdy do i know about that! He has certainly done that in my life, over and over, and even very recently (which is not a surprise to you if you read my blogs).

that is my prayer, my heart - is to always face God and the life that He lays out before me with a spirit of yes.

God's fingerprints

2008-03-28T05:39:00.003-05:00

struggle. challenge. tough time.

we have different words for it, here in the world. but i believe the heavenly realm calls it - a call to submit.

for weeks it has been my prayer to submit to whatever it is God wants me to do, to serve however it is He has designed me to serve, to use the gifts, talents, skills, experience He has provided, right back to Him for His glory.

prayers come with consequences. you know that, right?

when you pray for something, like say... patience. He provides you an opportunity to learn it, to put it to practice, to hone it.

so i prayed to submit. and i find a plethora of opportunity that awaits my submission.

i also prayed to be humbled. again - more serving of humility than i can fit into my mouth.

and yet God continues to be tender with me. His abounding love is everywhere i look.

i was talking with a girlfriend of mine this evening. and i shared my challenges i've faced over the last few weeks. i was open with her about my struggle with pride and the need to be humbled. and my prayer to simply do what God wants me to do. and i even shared this journey i've been on the last year and a half and how at the beginning of it i just wasn't in the place where i could have told her point blank about the struggles i was going through and the pride that i was still hanging onto.

and she said something to me that still makes me tearful to recall even now. she said that she has seen God's work in me. oh, can it be true? can i truly be molding in His hands? have i truly yielded to become closer to the woman He wants me to be?

i don't deserve to have such 'success'. mainly because i cannot take any of the credit. my sweet advocate, the Holy Spirit of my Father, the Spirit of Truth - He deserves the credit. He guides me when i balk at being guided. He leads me when i have lost my way yet again. He is loving and tender when i'm being obstinate and selfish. He has His work cut out for Him with me, i assure you.

He is risking His very reputation by being associated with me! i can never bring Him justice.. i can never repay Him.. i can never give Him enough love or obedience to make it worth it for Him. it is only by His grace and love that He would do this.

i held onto those words she gave me. and prayed "God - is it possible? that people can see your fingerprints on me?" how i hope it is true.

if others see Him when they look at me, then isn't it all worth the struggle.. the challenge.. the tough time? if i am drawn closer to Him, then isn't it worth it? wherein, then, likes the 'struggle'? (i'll give you a little hint: pride).

it's been my prayer that i would be stripped of my pride. and that i would want to lay my agenda down and be submitted to Him wholly no matter what that looks like. and that i would want to want to!

i am determined to continue praying that prayer, knowing prayers have consequences and i 'risk' further spiritual development and all the pain that comes with it. because, yes, the answer is that it is worth it to be covered in His fingerprints.

order my day

2008-03-21T09:39:00.010-05:00

i attended a leadership training session yesterday (kingdom training - will be held once a month.. i'm pretty excited about it). during one of the exercises we had to split off into teams of two, but you had to find someone you didn't know. there was a guy at the next table that stepped toward ours, so i nodded to see if he wanted to be my teammate. he sat down and we had to "listen" to each other for a minute each, take notes, ask questions, etc. it was a pretty good exercise in listening, and the material we went over for the session was awesome.

anyway, as i was listening, i learned that i was paired up with someone who had been in the NFL. uh, how cool is that? turns out it was george teague. since i talked first and told him about my blog, he then shared his website with me.

i felt a little embarrassed because i didn't know who he was and ended up saying something to the effect of: "so, i just met a celebrity?" he was very gracious and very humble.

i also won a prize! another exercise in listening was to take a quiz on the seminar we had just watched. i got 9 of the 10 questions correct. so did 2 other people. the three of us ended up getting a "dinner on me" card to a burger place in frisco.

burgers. hmmm.

well apparently my dot had a busy day as well and received a gift certificate to barnes and noble.

books. hmmm.

we determined a trade was definitely in order.

***

i had an epiphanal moment the other day. i was asking a girlfriend of mine how she keeps track of all the 'outstandings' in her job. she has a lot of people that she has to rely on to get back to her in order for her to proceed with things.

she said when she has her quiet time in the mornings, she prays over whatever is outstanding.

it really took me back. it was like hearing something you've heard all your life, but for the first time it actually made sense. the reality of it was dawning on me, getting me really excited, and i had to process it. so i called jan.

and she said, oh yea! and told me about a friend of hers who used to pray every morning for God to "order my day". and every day she remembered to do that, her day was efficient and smooth and things got done. but if she happened to forget her day would be chaotic, things would slip through the cracks, etc.

had everyone knew this elemental truth but me? i felt silly - such a simple and seemingly obvious thing had never even occurred to me! i was floored by the revelation!

i went home and wrote "order my day" across the bathroom mirror to remind me to seek God every morning on all matters of my day. all of them!

for such a time as this

2008-03-18T09:38:00.001-05:00

reading in esther this morning and i am struck by how much haman wants to feel important. after esther's first feast in chapter 5, he goes home to speak of how many sons he had, his riches and promotions and the favor he's found with the king, and how even esther invited only he and the king to her banquet. he needed to be seen as important.

i know that well.

and yet, with all of these thigs, he still allowed mordecai to be a cockleburr in his saddle (i'm sure they used that phrase even then). it tore him up that he wouldn't tremble before him.

he wanted mordecai to recognize his importance and to fear him for it.

but mordecai has his head on straight and refused to bow before any but his God.

priorities.

Father, i pray for priorities. i ask, Lord, that you provide me the wisdom to know when i am to submit and when i am to stand up and fight. i am at your feet. please keep me there. do not let me wander as i am so prone to do.

Lord.. with all the changes going on at work, at church, i ask You to give us guidance and a heart to do what is good and pleasing in Your sight. to do what it is You have designed us to do. whether it looks important to others or not. just that we may serve You - that is our goal.

please forgive me for the many times i've sought the praise of men over your own. please forgive me and teach me, humble me, to seek only to please you. to recognize only your praise. that the praise of men would appear to me as empty and meaningless when aimed at me, and that it rightfully belongs to You.

thank you for the story of esther. her obedience for the law and for her cousin, as well as her passion for her people and for what is right, they are a great lesson and comfort to me. please give me insight to whatever treasures You may have for me in Your Word.

thank you for giving me such freedom to read the bible in the open, that i do not have to hide my faith. with such freedom, why do i not wear it on my sleeve everywhere i go? why isn't it on my tongue in all my conversations?

please give me boldness. please remind me, constantly, that i am Yours and how far You have reached into the pit to save me.

thank You for Your son, thank You for Your spirit. may i never forget. never forget.

i ask Lord, that You order my day. give me my priorities, lay it out for me as You desire. and give me Your energy, Your intellect, Your creativity to carry them out. in Your name and for Your glory.

authority

2008-02-26T15:47:00.001-06:00

one of the things i am struggling with at work is authority. no, not really authority, but feeling like i am everyone's admin. i get ruffled when i feel like someone just dumps stuff on me because 'trace will do it'.

i have even opted to work from home on days no one else is in the office because i don't want to get stuck doing everyone else's work/errands/tasks that they didn't get to while they were in the office or can't do while they are out. and while i want to help, i don't get my own stuff done as a result.

however, i was struck yesterday by the responses of many people i'm around in that they just want to serve. they just want God's ministries to happen, they don't care who, how, etc. and i so desire that in my heart, too. it really helped with perspective.

may it be His way. i don't care where the lines are drawn. i just want to serve Him.

***

from the study guide: pilate spoke about jesus in three languages. when you speak of jesus, do you use worlds that best fit those you are speaking to?

WOW! great question!!!

***

are you sufficiently aware of biblical truth to see through the lies? this was another great question and right in context with what we talked about in bible study last week. one of our friends thinks that perhaps, no, he isn't. what a great reminder to not only steep yourself in His word, but to help others to do so as well.

what better way to win others to the kingdom than to be aware of traps they may have fallen into. and we will have the answers - the rope - that can help them out.

post conference

2008-02-15T08:39:00.004-06:00

last week was our conference. our 2nd annual.

can i just say it is a lot of work to put on a conference? and tiring. i spent this week dragging by 9pm each night. and the awful repercussions of that is waking up before i intend to. aka not sleeping in.

jon was sick all of last week and i was pretty amazed that i did not get sick with him. but last night i had that all too familiar tickle in my throat and it is worse today. so i am putting on my cammies and getting into combat mode. i will fight this thing and i will triumph!

so, it is off to the supermarket i go to pick up battle supplies, then i will promptly come home, sit my butt on the couch and watch chick flicks until i'm better.

at least that's the plan i have for now.

the conference went well. we had more people attend than last year, but we still do not have buy-in from the church and it shows in attendance. our pastor's comments this year indicate we will have his backing and we plan to capitalize on that and make it an all-church effort next year.

we really do have the right idea, and so many things will improve with the help/support of the other ministries. and my involvement will decrease. it was officially announced in our department that was someone else would be taking over the major planning piece of this from now on. what a wonderful relief.

i will be praying about my participation and would like to ensure that it is aligned with my job, that it will be an extension of what i already do so that i am not overwhelmed, not doing someone else's work, and not trying to fit myself into a mold i was not made for. what that looks like right now is still a little fuzzy, but will most likely result in me finding volunteers to help staff the conference as well as putting together another 'worship experience'. i will probably also be involved in volunteer appreciation. it's what i do. but much more than that doesn't make sense for me to tackle.

fear

2008-02-14T08:38:00.002-06:00

the last few days have been focused on pilate's encounter with the jews trying to persuade him to crucify jesus. the study guide indicates that fear of appearing not to be a friend of caesar pushed him into the 'crucify' camp. then it makes a leap and says "show God this week that your fear of unbelief in jesus is greater than your fear of man." and this troubles me.

seems that fear shouldn't be the reason we follow Him. (unless we are truly discussing the reverential fear that is reserved for God alone, but then it cannot become a matter of comparison to the fear of man thereby making that statement pointless anyway.)

the true motivation should be love, according to myself of course! God created us out of love, out of a desire for us to have a relationship with Him. why, then, would we not reciprocate the desire of that relationsip out of love? when you put fear into the mix, you tend to find yourself facing issues of rebellion and confinement. but not with love. love is freedom and optional. which is what makes it so beautiful when we truly exercise it.

when i face the Lord at the beginning of my eternity in His presence, i want Him to say, "you loved me." rather than "you feared me."

[on accident, while typing above i mispelled 'comparison'. and it made me consider how accurate my typo was: comparisin. how fitting to have the word sin in this word! how often to do we fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others? or worse, comparing God to others or our idea of how we think God should be? sometimes i mess up good. :D]

hypocrisy

2008-02-04T07:36:00.000-06:00

the jews would not enter the praetorium because it was the home of a gentile, and they did not want to become unclean and thereby disallow them from participating in the passover meal.

such hypocrisy. jesus himself told them they were like whitewashed tombs - beautiful on the outside, but inside they are full of dead men's bones.

..In the same way, on the outside you appear to peole as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness"

where in my life do i have hypocrisy and wickedness? what about me would jesus want to 'reveal and deal'? what actions can i take to avoid being a hypocrite?

it's sad that many people view christians as being hyprocrites. i think it is because we try to preach the very things we cannot live up to. perhaps we should be preaching about faith and grace!

but aside from how we are viewed by others, what in our hearts is a direct contradiction to what the Lord has asked of us? we are told to have love for others. we believe it and teach it, but do we exercise it? do we love others the way God has intended?

we are told to follow Him. we believe that, too, and also teach it. but do we follow? do we go with Him wherever He leads? or do we stop and veer when we don't want to continue or we think the road is going to be too difficult ahead?

do we stop looking at the grass on the other side of the fence, and focus on our own yards?.. oh the lawn maintenance that is needed!!

i know i struggle with this - i know there are times when i act as though the rules apply to everyone but myself and i make excuses as to why i should not have to be burdened with the rules at this time. but it is just an excuse. it is hypocrisy. it is a whitewashed exterior.

i do not want to be full of dead men's bones.

denied

2008-02-01T21:31:00.000-06:00

arneomai. denied.

how often do we deny Him? (notice, i don't ask IF we do, but how often.. it's much more realistic a question)

i think by not living out His truth, we deny Him. we deny the words He spoke, the truth He is, because we do not deem His commands worthy of our obedience.

it amazes me that He is creator of all of this! we would not exist were it not for Him, we will spend out eternity worshipping Him, we are because of Him, and yet we fail to spend much effort on Him.

isn't that sad? He's spent more effort on us than we could ever gather unto ourselves, and yet we cannot even get out of bed 30 minutes early to spend time with Him. we won't read about Him, we won't learn about Him, we won't talk with Him.

but then we expect Him to come to our aid or answer our prayers. we treat Him like a genie in a bottle and when we rub the lamp we want our wishes granted.

He will not lower Himself to such a fantasy! He is God of the universe!! and deserves (and yearns) to be treated as such.

how do we deny Him? by not treating Him as the Alpha and the Omega. by calling on His name for the things we want, but forgetting to call on His name because He is worthy of it and it is why we were made.

truth

2008-01-31T21:15:00.000-06:00

"where can you discern how truth has been warped in your own thinking by the world?".

interesting question. because you know it has, it is just hard to discern where because we see it as truth. if you cannot see the warped truth from the real truth, then how do you know when the truth has been compromised for a different version?

where do you begin to discern that?

uh, the bible. seems to be the answer to everything, it turns out.

if we can measure our known truth to the truth of the bible, and find discrepancies, and those discrepancies can be pinpointed to a source or sources.. then we can determine what source or sources cannot be trusted for real truth. and then we can begin to be on alert for them in our lives, recognizing when we happen upon them.

sigh. the bible really does solve everything.

look! see!

2008-01-30T07:15:00.000-06:00

today's lesson asks an interesting question - who does not know you are a christian? and why not?

hmm.. i had to really think about that one, and i think i know someone who may not know. although when i think more on it, i think she does know. she is a friend of a friend that i met on a couple of occasions. i don't have any real face-time with her, at least no one-on-one.

and she is very jewish and very vocal about being jewish and very opinionated for such a young lady. and i get the impression she would argue for the sake of arguing. i don't tend to get into deep theological conversations with those people. but what about the simple "yes, i am a christian". i do let them know that, but if i get the feeling they are going to be a pill about it, i tend to be quiet after that.

yet in the light of a conversation that would turn to a place that would require me to stand up for what i believe in.. what would i do? would it depend on the company i am keeping at the time? i would like to say it would not. at least not know in my life. but would it? like, really, when it comes down to it?

i can think of an example not too long ago when i was pressed for a truth that the opposing party was saying was bunk. they said they couldn't imagine jesus requiring something of them because they knew that jesus wanted them to be happy.

and i told them i believed the truth to be true, but i also had to admit that i didn't know where in the bible the truth was provided.

i berated myself for not knowing my bible well enough. but i also prayed for God's wisdom in finding it so i could let them know.

i think when i find myself in territory where i cannot prove because of my lack of knowledge, i will confess truth as truth, but not really go much further than that. i have nothing to contribute at that point that would further God's case. i can only harm it then.

and that is bad.

so now what? i must learn.. constantly and fervently to be able to stand up to anyone wanting to bunk truth! i must know it so i can claim it and explain it. lovingly, of course, but how sorry would it be if i knew these people were counting on me to show them truth and i failed them. what if it is a matter of eternity? then SHAME ON ME.

freedom

2008-01-29T07:33:00.000-06:00

happy birfday, my heart!

john 18:17-18 talks about peter's first denial of Christ. the study guide indicates that peter's story is displayed to magnify the forgiveness found in Jesus.

how interesting, that just yesterday i was talking to a pastor at work about how i have learned to no longer wallow in the guilt of bad choices, but to celebrate how great God's redemption is that i am no longer living the life i had, or making the choices i've made.

i was telling him that it has been a year and a half of God teaching me so much (i have had the greatest spiritual growth spurt since working at the church), and how i've finally tasted the freedom God has in store for us. how i am finally able to focus on God and not me and my sin. how i am able to finally open up about stupid stuff i do (instead of trying to look perfect all the time) and allow other people to be blessed by how God can use someone like me. to show them - there is hope for them as well.

i would love to say that i have always made good choices, that i always had my eyes on Him, that i became a christian and evermore walked the straight path. but alas i cannot. but here is what i can claim!! - my life can now magnify the forgiveness found in jesus! amen and amen!