with the love of God

i usually pray for God's heart to beat inside my chest. meaning = i want God's love to resonate out of me because my love is too selfish and prideful and conditional and concerned about how it affects me.

i want to see people the way He sees them.

when i use my own heart to see others i see people who are flawed and can offer me nothing and who are marching down wrong paths and don't need me.

when i use God's heart to see others i see people who need God just like i do. i see people who are hurting and the only salve is Christ. i see people making awful decisions because they have not yet known the Truth and do not know it to choose it. i see people who are mean to others (and me) because that's what it looks like when the pain inside of them starts to seep out.

and i want to love them. i want to get their junk all over me because i come to them and draw them in to me. i don't want to be a "christian" with clean hands. i want calluses and stains that show i am working for the kingdom and loving people who appear or act unlovable. they need to be shown love just as i needed it. and that love is usually needed when they are at their worst. not when they are cleaned up and have it all together (which i believe is a myth - a lie we cling to - by the way).

when someone bashes me, i want to look at them and see the reason they are bashing. what is hurting inside of them so badly that they need to create a false and temporary status of elevation by lowering those around them through a bashing?

when someone refuses to get close to anyone, i want to look at them and no longer see a snob or a loner, but understand that something has taught them they can no longer trust anyone but themselves.

i want to be an authentic, kind and loving person in such a way that the only response someone can have is to recognize i am not doing it in my own power, but by that of a God who can give them this love, too. that if He can change someone like me, there is hope for them too.

when we cut people out of our lives or our circle of acceptance because they hurt us, we've only achieved serving ourselves. but worse, we have darkened the reputation of the Jesus we claim to know and to love and to follow. He becomes guilty by association of us. and because he is our friend, others want nothing to do with him. they think if he is going to be anything like his ambassador that has shut them out or been unkind, then what is the point of putting their trust in him?

may it never be!

if anyone says, i love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 1 john 4:20

ed bolkley got it

when i was in college we had an "old guy" come in to our college group at church once in a while. he was one of those people that was a permanent fixture at church. he was always there. always willing to help. always caring and loving.

we were recovering from a tumultuous changeover in leadership in our ministry and he came to our worship service one night, probably to be a peaceful and steady pillar for us students.

and when it came time to sing, he actually led us in a song. he got up and told us we were going to sing a hymn. um.. a hymn? hello! we do praise and worship here!!

but without having any words or music, he just closed his eyes and started singing. and he was... horrible! his pitch was all over the place. some of us looked at one another and snickered. i probably would have been the next one to do so, but something about ed caught my attention.

this man wasn't just singing. he was worshiping. he was, like, blasting the heavenly gates with praise to God. he was in love with God! it flowed out of him like those words.. those words that at first sounded rattly and harsh, started to sound sweet and melodic, and before i knew it i was enraptured with the display of affection, worship and passion that was before me.

a lot of students left that place chuckling over ed and his awful singing. some of them to this day probably think ed was just some crazy old man who didn't know how "out" a hymn was.

but as i continue to this day to sing that beautiful song about God's amazing love, how can it be? that He should die for me!!.. i realize that that night, ed bolkley was the only one in that room that 'got it'.

he wasn't worried about the drama going on in the ministry, he didn't care how uncool others thought he appeared. he gave what he had to the only audience that mattered.

he just put his love song out there to his Lord and God and everything else just melted away.

i remember when he died. i didn't know him that well but his song had affected me so deeply that i went to his memorial service to pay my respect to a man who lived fearlessly for God. and the church was packed to overflowing with people outside in the lobby and spilling out to the sidewalk.

the entire block was buzzing with people who had been affected by ed's passion and zeal.

you know, i don't recall ever seeing our college ministry packing them in like that. no one in that ministry had throngs of people filling the place to overflowing. who was the cool one, now?

and not a single person at ed's memorial service failed to sing of God's amazing love - that hymn that ed loved so. and the sound on that day,.. it sounded like a huge choir of angels! it sounded like a little taste of what i think heaven will be like - voices rising in praise of our God. it was breathtakingly beautiful.

i think maybe ed's song sounded like that in God's ears. i think God heard the heart of his song, not the pitch, not the outdated hymn,.. he heard the heart. because ed's song wasn't about ed.

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

ed bolkley got it