scribbling to make a point

the other day at work, my friend took a pencil and started to 'color' with it, leaning it over almost horizontally in order to rub off the fat sides and sharpen the end. i knew what he was doing, but it still tickled me. and when he noticed me noticing, he said, "i'm scribbling to make a point."

for some reason that phrase stuck with me.

and stuck with me.

it made me think about how we can get so messy sometimes. we can appear to be just 'drizzling' pages with graphite. making scribbles. looking like kids' scrawl. clumsy.

and then we call it our best effort.

maybe it is. or maybe we're just being a bit lazy. or it really could be our best effort because we haven't stepped it up and honed our 'drawing' skills. or maybe we think those that are viewing our work won't understand a more mature skill so we dumb it down. or we don't really feel like our audience is worth a better production.

whatever the reason, i guess i'm just not satisfied with any of my work or efforts appearing to be scribble. if i want to make a point or if i have an end goal, i want clarity, focus, beauty, truth. if i have to get off the couch to do it, i want to want to.

take it to the heavenly realm. consider those who need to know who Jesus is. consider those dying without his love. what are we doing about it?

are we trying to reach them with minimal efforts? are we painting a fuzzy picture of Christ? how well do we know the Father that we are trying to introduce to others?

if we aren't honing our painting skills, what kind of picture of God can we really produce? if we aren't studying to teach, worshiping to love, learning to further ourselves and the kingdom then what in our lives clearly and truthfully focuses on what really matters? and what about us points others to The Light? how hard are we willing to work to point heavenward?

i fear my efforts fall painfully short. i fear i am not creating a colorful, delightful image on the one canvas i've been given.

Father - please. PLEASE! help me to be busy and hard at heavenly work. i want to point others truthfully, simply and clearly to you. and i don't want my life to look like a messy, clumsy rendition of someone "giving their best" efforts when you have created me to accomplish more than i will admit.

please let my life look like more than scribbling to make a point.

for your Honor and your Glory!

it's your life. deal with it.

was reading ruth again this morning. i love that book. i would like to say because it's about a woman fully devoted to God, so much so that she does things that are unexpected of her (leaving her own family and people) and things that are expected of her ("go lay at his feet and he will tell you what to do"), without ever complaining or seeking her own comfort. i would like to say it's because ruth receives many blessings for her obedience and kindness. and while those are valid reasons and i value them,.. i do... i think i love that book because it is about two women who love each other so much that they do whatever is in their power to show that love, to honor and to further one another.

i love stories like that.

so i'm in ruth again this morning and as i reflect on her willingness to set aside her comfort and 'what is known' to care for her mother-in-law, i harken my thoughts back to a conversation i had yesterday with my husband about why 'kids these days' expect things given them, expect things done for them, and expect things to be easy and when it is not they would rather walk away from something or cut people out of their lives instead of making the effort to set it right.

but then those same kids read ruth and want what she ends up with: blessing. honor. a good name.

i think it's so easy to look at ruth and want what she got, but it is so hard to look at ruth and do what she did.

i was reading an article recently about how 20% of divorce cases filed list facebook in the suit. it indicated that facebook was causing infidelity.

um.

really?

i thought infidelity was a choice. it's not like there's this facebook highway and when you jump on it takes you where it wants you to go. no!.. you decide what you say, you decide what you do, you decide how far you'll go.

at the end of the article it said that while the number of divorces were slightly down, an increase was expected due to the financial state of our country.

i know marriage is hard. i know relationships are difficult. but if we would start being willing to step up to those challenges and work through them and stop blaming facebook, the recession and hangnails, then maybe we'd have a lot of them remain intact.

we want a ruth-like blessing sitting under our christmas trees, but we don't want to make ourselves second to others in order for it to happen. and when we don't get it, it's someone else's fault. it's never ours. i wonder if we grasp how incredibly selfish we truly are.

i guess what i'm getting at is: you want things to all work out in the end? you want blessings to pour over you? then be willing to live through the hard things. don't run when things get difficult - work at it. it's hard and it hurts and many times you will find that you have to set your own desires aside for the overall welfare of whatever you're dealing with. you have to do it. not someone else. you. facebook doesn't make your decisions, you do. claim your life and work hard at it. and love every minute of it!

i have a sheet of paper from a pad that belonged to a friend of mine whose life was interrupted by cancer. i cannot wait to see her again someday. we'll hug, we'll catch up and then i think we will laugh over that paper that hangs over my computer at work. it reminds me to step up to my challenges. it reminds me that i need to get over myself sometimes. and it reminds to laugh. it says

put your big girl panties on and deal with it

with the love of God

i usually pray for God's heart to beat inside my chest. meaning = i want God's love to resonate out of me because my love is too selfish and prideful and conditional and concerned about how it affects me.

i want to see people the way He sees them.

when i use my own heart to see others i see people who are flawed and can offer me nothing and who are marching down wrong paths and don't need me.

when i use God's heart to see others i see people who need God just like i do. i see people who are hurting and the only salve is Christ. i see people making awful decisions because they have not yet known the Truth and do not know it to choose it. i see people who are mean to others (and me) because that's what it looks like when the pain inside of them starts to seep out.

and i want to love them. i want to get their junk all over me because i come to them and draw them in to me. i don't want to be a "christian" with clean hands. i want calluses and stains that show i am working for the kingdom and loving people who appear or act unlovable. they need to be shown love just as i needed it. and that love is usually needed when they are at their worst. not when they are cleaned up and have it all together (which i believe is a myth - a lie we cling to - by the way).

when someone bashes me, i want to look at them and see the reason they are bashing. what is hurting inside of them so badly that they need to create a false and temporary status of elevation by lowering those around them through a bashing?

when someone refuses to get close to anyone, i want to look at them and no longer see a snob or a loner, but understand that something has taught them they can no longer trust anyone but themselves.

i want to be an authentic, kind and loving person in such a way that the only response someone can have is to recognize i am not doing it in my own power, but by that of a God who can give them this love, too. that if He can change someone like me, there is hope for them too.

when we cut people out of our lives or our circle of acceptance because they hurt us, we've only achieved serving ourselves. but worse, we have darkened the reputation of the Jesus we claim to know and to love and to follow. He becomes guilty by association of us. and because he is our friend, others want nothing to do with him. they think if he is going to be anything like his ambassador that has shut them out or been unkind, then what is the point of putting their trust in him?

may it never be!

if anyone says, i love God, and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. 1 john 4:20

ed bolkley got it

when i was in college we had an "old guy" come in to our college group at church once in a while. he was one of those people that was a permanent fixture at church. he was always there. always willing to help. always caring and loving.

we were recovering from a tumultuous changeover in leadership in our ministry and he came to our worship service one night, probably to be a peaceful and steady pillar for us students.

and when it came time to sing, he actually led us in a song. he got up and told us we were going to sing a hymn. um.. a hymn? hello! we do praise and worship here!!

but without having any words or music, he just closed his eyes and started singing. and he was... horrible! his pitch was all over the place. some of us looked at one another and snickered. i probably would have been the next one to do so, but something about ed caught my attention.

this man wasn't just singing. he was worshiping. he was, like, blasting the heavenly gates with praise to God. he was in love with God! it flowed out of him like those words.. those words that at first sounded rattly and harsh, started to sound sweet and melodic, and before i knew it i was enraptured with the display of affection, worship and passion that was before me.

a lot of students left that place chuckling over ed and his awful singing. some of them to this day probably think ed was just some crazy old man who didn't know how "out" a hymn was.

but as i continue to this day to sing that beautiful song about God's amazing love, how can it be? that He should die for me!!.. i realize that that night, ed bolkley was the only one in that room that 'got it'.

he wasn't worried about the drama going on in the ministry, he didn't care how uncool others thought he appeared. he gave what he had to the only audience that mattered.

he just put his love song out there to his Lord and God and everything else just melted away.

i remember when he died. i didn't know him that well but his song had affected me so deeply that i went to his memorial service to pay my respect to a man who lived fearlessly for God. and the church was packed to overflowing with people outside in the lobby and spilling out to the sidewalk.

the entire block was buzzing with people who had been affected by ed's passion and zeal.

you know, i don't recall ever seeing our college ministry packing them in like that. no one in that ministry had throngs of people filling the place to overflowing. who was the cool one, now?

and not a single person at ed's memorial service failed to sing of God's amazing love - that hymn that ed loved so. and the sound on that day,.. it sounded like a huge choir of angels! it sounded like a little taste of what i think heaven will be like - voices rising in praise of our God. it was breathtakingly beautiful.

i think maybe ed's song sounded like that in God's ears. i think God heard the heart of his song, not the pitch, not the outdated hymn,.. he heard the heart. because ed's song wasn't about ed.

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

ed bolkley got it

be careful what you pray for

we tend to say "be careful what you pray for." we say "i prayed for patience and boy did God give me an opportunity to gain it."

but i've been thinking about that lately. and i would like to propose that perhaps there are times when, instead of it being our idea to pray for a weakness or an area we want to improve or grow it, but rather that God, knowing a situation or challenge will be coming our way, draws us in to pray for His help in advance.

we don't know what's on the horizon. but He does. perhaps He wants to protect us and care for us and guide us by bringing us to our knees to ask for a fruit of His spirit He knows we are going to need to be exercising soon.

an interesting take on prayer when we've grown accustomed to assuming God waits for us to ask for something before He gives it to us. but He didn't wait to send His son until we asked for Him. no, He knew ahead of time we needed Him, and He sent Him. some of us still haven't asked for Him, but it didn't stop Him from paving the way for that prayer to be answered before we have prayed it.

by the same token why wouldn't He begin to prompt us to pray for a strength only He knows we are going to need down the road? we can act on that prompt or we can not. i love that He gives us that choice. but who's to say He doesn't prompt or... knock?

i think if God knows we are going to encounter a situation where we are going to need patience to pass through it, and He prompts us to pray for it, we had best pay attention and be praying for it. if He in His foreknowledge prompts us, we in our barely-focused-hindsight would be foolish to ignore it.

i say "be careful what you don't pray for."

the cat who cried wolf

my cat, simba, is a talker. he’ll slink through the house mrowring on a loop.

when we first got him we thought he was just lost. we’d be in the bedroom and he’d by walking his track crying up a storm and thought, ‘he can’t find us,’ so we’d yell, “we’re in here!”

after over a year of this, we’ve come to realize that’s just simba. he’s a talker.

but he does this cat thing that probably all cats do. they hang out below you, concentrate on your feet, and if even one toe twitches in the direction of the kitchen, they jump up and start heading to the feeding trough as if to say, “time to feed the kitty. follow me.”

simba does this. but he does it all.the.time! whether the food bowl is empty or the food bowl is full, count on simba to tell you it’s “time to feed the kitty.”

he’s especially adamant when i get up in the morning and when i walk in the door from work in the evening. that’s food time and simba is a creature of habit. even if there are kibbles staring back up at him from the bowl, he must have his ritual. i will go through the actions of feeding him while really only adding a few more bits. but it makes him happy.

the ritual i get.

but then there’s those totally random moments where he does it. and i think, ‘gosh maybe they’ve really eaten everything up and he’s still hungry,’ so i peek and... bowls are full.

he so cries wolf! and he stands there staring at me telling me “time to feed the kitty” with an earnest look on his face.

seriously? i think he’s messing with me. i think he’s putting me through a drill or something.

next time, i will not get up, i will not follow him into the kitchen, i will not i will not i will not.

gotta run. simba’s calling.

(does rosetta stone teach ‘cat’?)

bad art

i read an article that said we should not judge art before its completion. the author told how a movie was shared before it was ever finished and then it received high criticism and remarks on how it didn’t live up to expectations, but they had illegally viewed the unfinished product. how can you pass judgement on something like that when the artist hasn’t even finished it?

and then the article took another turn. it said that we do that all the time. with each other. God is our artist and He is creating something wonderful in all of us but we pass judgement before He is finished. we look at one another and say, “that’s bad art,” or we write someone off for not being the way we think they should be. and God is still working in them!

perhaps, it is God’s plan to use you in the making of someone else. but you write them off as bad art and decide you don’t want to be around that person. you have just cut that person off from one of the ingredients God planned for their life. so not only have you passed judgement but you’ve also stunted a particular growth path. what if community with you was precisely what God had in mind for them?

we want all the grace God has for us. where, then, is our grace for others? perhaps God has dealt graciously with you so that you will carry that grace out for people He specifically puts in your path. how ya doin’ with that?

a prayer for my friends

for all my friends who are serving in any capacity to make Equipping for Impact a success,.. a prayer for you:

Father who knows all and sees all and cares above all
give peace and energy and breath your full life into them
your cause is a lofty cause. the best cause. the only cause
and we want to embrace it and further it as best as we can
please, i pray, propel them with your mighty hand and let them serve
with your energy which so powerfully works in us - you tell us that! and we will believe it and live it!
amen!
colossians 1:29

positive

i noticed this post on my facebook wall earlier today: How do you stay so positive. Is it a choice u make or does it just come natural? You inspire me to want to be more positive. Any advice?

and first i wanna say, "whoa! advice? from me? um..."

LOL

you know, i have been thinking about this post all day. i've been wondering is it really a conscious decision? or is that how i'm built? is it learned or innate? and the only answer i have is - it's all God.

i was thinking about me as a child, as a college student, as an adult,.. and i used to get so bothered by how other people treated me (or even how i perceived how others treated me) and i have since been learning that i cannot control how someone reacts to me. but!.. i can control how i respond to them.
just because someone might be ugly to me, that did not render me powerless to be decent back to them.

that actually freed me up a lot from potential hurt and bitterness.

then i realized that i could view things in the 'now' or the 'me' perspective, or i could view it in the perspective of heaven. like if someone treated me ill, i could get upset over how i was, at that very moment, being treated, or i could look at it from an eternal perspective and say "does this make any difference to whether or not i am a child of God?". up to this point in my life, the answer has consistently been no.

that freed me up from the dangers of tunnel vision and gave me a big picture view.

and i started seeing beyond myself. instead of seeing that i was treated in such-and-such a way, i started to realize that people acted that way out of pain or fear or anger or lack of self-esteem. and it became about them and not about me. i was actually able to start to look at someone being ugly to me and feel badly that they were hurting so much that they felt like they had to act like that. i was actually becoming sympathetic to my 'enemies'.

that sure freed me up from self-pity and feeling like i'm a victim.

and then one day i decided that just calling myself a christian wasn't enough. that i wanted to be full out, all in, living every moment of my life and laying it all down for Jesus. i want every decision i make, every word i utter, every progress i make, every foot fall to be in the direction of Jesus - for his name, to his glory, and in his honor. i love him so much that i want everything about me to be for him. i want him to use every bit of me to accomplish whatever he wants through me. i am his. not wishy-washy-parts of me.. all of me!

i find that a decision like that can radicalize one's behavior. when i come to a crossroads, i can get down or bitter or frustrated. or i can see what God wants me to do for Him in it. i want to take the direction he's called me to take even if it's the harder way to take. and when i reach those hardships i want to celebrate that i am doing it for Him and that i didn't cave in and take the easy way just cause it's easy.

and the joy that comes from such a choice, and such a life, is beyond explanation. sometimes i think my heart will explode with all the joy that is stuffed into it. sometimes my soul just sings out to God, it is smitten with him and i am flung into the heavens! what joy, what pure, holy, beautiful, perfect, lasting joy he has in store for us.

so. um.. i guess that means it might be a choice. i try all the time. and i fail a LOT! but i keep trying. because i love him so. and the more i try and the more i sometimes succeed, then the next time it might get just a little easier and a little more natural. it's like a cycle of being a choice and becoming more natural and making the choice easier and making it feel even more natural.

but i think it starts with choice.

no.

actually it starts with God. :)

i don't know if this answers your question. and it's not anything i have down pat. these are things i've learned over my life span and i am still learning them and i will go to my grave still learning. i still have days when i get grouchy because i'm in a long line and i get terrible customer service. but for the most part, the joy of the Lord in me just makes it too hard for me to get down. next to Him, there just isn't much important enough to get upset over.

blessed

sometimes i look around me and realize how incredibly blessed i am. not just in the regular stuff, like having a husband who loves me and will do anything for me, or owning a house and a car, or being well-fed and well-clothed. but also in the not-so-tangible things.

i was talking with my sis yesterday about how i used to feel guilty because i could go through an exact same trial as someone else and their life would fall apart and mine wouldn't. i didn't understand why i was blessed to not have the turmoil and pain and suffering they seemed to experience. why was i exempt and they were not? why do they hurt and i do not?

i thought it cruel and unfair.. for them. i felt the injustice of the comparison on their side. and it would haunt me.

i spent most of my life like that. at least my growing up years. then when i was working at cityteam ministries, one of my mentors had me take a gifts assessment and i learned my gifts and what they meant. i have the gift of faith.

suddenly it made sense why i didn't struggle the same as others - i had faith. unusual, blessed, God-gifted faith. i didn't question "why me" as others had, but rather wondered "why not me" when i was spared some tragedy. i just knew it was going to be all right. i knew God was in control. i knew it was in much better hands than my own. i just.. had.. faith.

the story is much longer and deeper, but it boils down to the fact that i am delightfully aware of how blessed i am. and for those areas where others may not see me as being blessed (like my car accident last year where my little VW beetle was totaled), i cannot help but see it otherwise - that i was blessed with an opportunity to take the reimbursement for my car and buy something much less expensive and use the balance to get out of debt.

it isn't so much that i am blessed with different circumstances... i'm blessed with how to consider them.

oh, Lord.. You have blessed me indeed. in areas where i couldn't have imagined to request it. You give me faith where others have none - and i praise You for it and i wish to use it for Your glory and to benefit Your kingdom. may i never take advantage of anything, but always be mindful of my abilities and assets and how i can offer them back to You.

may every word i utter and every move i make be a compass back to You.

compass to the cross

we were challenged during service yesterday to close our eyes and consider something during a worship song. one of my dear friends relayed to me later that as she stood there, praising God, worshiping the Almighty, something happened without her even knowing it. she turned.

little by little, her body turned so that when she opened her eyes after the song, much to her surprise - she wasn't facing straight forward anymore, but rather had ended up facing the cross on the side of the stage.

everyone else was facing one direction, but she was facing the cross.

it made me think that when we focus on Him and simply love Him and worship Him, that whether we realize it or not, we become a compass to Christ. that we simply point to Him.

we shed the self-awareness, we aren't embarrassed to be against the grain, we shut the world out of our sight and align ourselves to Him. and then everything about our lives - how we act, what we say, where we go,.. it all points back to Him.

the imagery is sweet. and it becomes all the sweeter when it is realized in our own lives... when we forget ourselves in worship and we become a compass to the cross.

may it be so, Lord. may it be so!

social experiment on my hair - results

CONGRATULATIONS, JENNA! YOU ARE THE WINNER!!

for those that don't know, i put a call out for haircut submissions and got some great photos sent in. it was hard to narrow it down to just one, but i finally settled on a cut submitted by jenna, my cool-haired friend.

when i told jenna - who has cool hair.. did i mention that? - that she won she said, "yay!". jenna opted for the starbucks gift card. when i told her i have that ready for her she said, "yay!" again.

i guess when you have cool hair you don't have to rely on being verbose.

here is the photo she submitted that i selected:


and here is how my hair turned out:




thank you to all of you who 'played' and sent in some great photos. i hope you had fun and we'll see what new kind of social experiment i can find to get into now that this one is over! :)

social experiment on my hair - submissions

these are the submissions that have been sent in so far.. just for reference.

wanna submit an image? click and comment

what's this all about?.. find out

social experiment on my hair

i am getting my hair cut on friday (6/12) and i thought it would be fun to utilize social media to help me determine what cut to get. so i am giving all of you - my online friends - a chance to voice your opinion on what my next style should be.

i am open to any suggestion (as long as it is shorter, not longer. i'm getting a hair cut not a hair grow). and please only suggest styles, not color (at least this time around)!!

start commenting. send me links to pictures of styles or cuts.

the winner will be announced on friday along with pictures of my cut when i'm done. AND the winner will also receive a $5 gift card of their choice of either itunes or starbucks. i know - it's not much - but i also have to pay for the cut! :)

for those you haven't seen me in a while i'm attaching recent pics of front and side for reference:

now get on it. let me hear from you!

UPDATE - SEE WHAT'S BEEN SUBMITTED SO FAR. KEEP THEM COMING!

one more reason why i love mckinney fellowship

folks - this is awesome. this is yet another reason why i love worshiping at mckinney fellowship. bruce doesn’t want some title or ‘honor’. he just wants to serve God, just like the rest of us: in the role God has designed him to serve.

i love that bruce gets the fact that just because God has called him to a different role than others, doesn’t mean he deserves special honors or distinction. and i love that he just wants to be like Jesus. and Jesus was a great non-conformist, wasn’t he? he shucked titles and taught a radical thing called: LOVE!

seriously. i love that i get to worship with people who just wanna be like Jesus.

On 4/29/09 3:23 PM, "Bruce Miller" wrote:

Lowly servants of God,
 
It was come to my attention that some have stopped referring to me as Reverend Bishop Miller. This is greatly concerning a man of my stature, status and accomplishment. Certainly my titles should befit my office.
 
Seriously . . . .  biblically we are ALL priests, ministers and missionaries. Please do not call me or refer to me as Pastor Bruce or Pastor Miller. I despise it. It does not honor me; it upsets me. It sends the wrong message, an unbiblical one. This is a creeping trend in our church once again. I do not know why people are attracted to titles, but let’s resist the trend to honor the truth that we are all members of one body with no member of more honor than another. Let’s resist the desire for a priesthood, to clergy. Jesus did away with that.
 
Thanks for enduring my rant.
 
Just, Bruce

all about me

i introduced rubber chicken nuggets in my last post and threatened - er.. promised! - that more nuggets were coming. i feel it is important to mention as i had previously that these are born out of personal convictions and challenges. any similarities to anyone whether real or imagined are not intended nor sought. however, if you happen to see yourself mirrored in these, perhaps Someone is trying to tell you something.

rubber chicken nugget #2
i, eye, aye

stop bragging, for goodness' sake. sometimes we brag and we don't even know it because we are so conditioned to make a name for ourselves. i got convicted over this when i realized that populating my conversation with things that i knew or did or accomplished didn't increase the value of that conversation one iota. it simply served to increase my value.

that's not what i want to be about. i want to be about making Jesus' name great. not my own.

since i've been working on it internally, my eyes have opened to it externally, and it is everywhere.

i get quizzed on the title, artist and release date of each song that plays on the radio in order to show how little i know and how much others know. that is neither fun for me, nor is it appealing of the other person.

feeling like i have value and that i have intelligence has been a life-long struggle for me. and while i continue to struggle, i am delighted to say that God is doing a work in me over this and stays my tongue on many an occasion when it would really like to wag about in honor of me.

did someone mistakenly think you did something (or failed to do something)? does it really matter in the long run whether or not you set them straight? let it go. (if it does, by all means, make it right!!)

does someone have an opinion about you, your work, or your hobby that may portray you in a light you feel isn't representative of "you"? will it change your status with the Lord Almighty? it doesn't require a response.

are you mentioning something in order to display what you know? is that what you want to propel your mouth into action? it doesn't need to be said.

and one may feel that it is limiting to hold your tongue, but on the contrary it is really quite freeing! i find that i am fretting less over what people think of me and am letting God be my judge. through His son i know i am set right before Him. i can't make that same claim with anyone else.

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. Proverbs 13:3

btw - i did this just today and was immediately so painfully aware that i once again tried to aim the spotlight at me. sigh. will i ever learn? my only consolation is the awareness in and of itself and a desire to eliminate this need within myself. thank God i have Him to rely upon as i prove to be inadequate when handling it on my own.

rubber chicken nuggets

my boss gets punchy in the early afternoon. i try to have a white board marker in hand because i know he's bound to say something that will send us into fits of laughter and i'm going to want to capture it.

and while it's always funny, sometimes it is also very wise. which led me to call them nuggets (you know, like 'nuggets of wisdom'). and then i called them chicken nuggets because i'm a dorkina and i do things like that. he has a rubber chicken on his desk (seriously, people, don't ask) and so the title grew to rubber chicken nuggets during one of those early afternoon moments.

one of his greater rubber chicken nuggets was when he was talking about becoming second in your life, so that God can be first, and he said,

"your life can be become more about..
not you."

dang it - i love that. think about that. chew on it. roll it over in your mouth and experience it.

(we also say about rubber chicken nuggets that you can chew on 'em forever. i admit we have a lot of fun at work).

i've been thinking about some other nuggets. mostly ones i have been working at in my own life. and maybe none of you need this information in front of you like i do, if so then consider these posts me capturing them on my 'white board'.

rubber chicken nugget #1
should - NOT!

try not to say "you should have..." to people. it sends a message that you think they are inadequate, incapable, have done/said/decided something wrong or bad, and that you know more than they. even if any of these reasons are true, there is no value in reminding someone or holding it over their head.

and since you're saying "should have..." it is probably after the fact, and isn't it a bit late to be saying something now?

if you have neat information to share that you hope someone benefits from, then use a kinder, gentler approach. if you are saying it for other reasons, maybe it's best not to say it all, huh?

i've been working on saying things like "hey i found a cool way to do that, wanna hear it?" or "oh yes, i struggle with that, too, and a wise friend told me..." or "that happened to me, too. then i found this website [or book or other resource] that helped"... it puts us on the same level (where we belong) and tells my friend they are not alone, they are not the only ones that have thought/acted like that, and that i don't judge them for what they did/said.

people are so much more receptive to things i have to say when i don't shame them or act superior, but rather share it simply from one friend to another.

Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; Romans 114:10

stay tuned for more rubber chicken nuggets

still seeking Him

so as not to leave you on a downer note.. i woke up this morning fresh as a daisy and enjoyed my daily reading from YouVersion.

i had an epiphany yesterday to read the bible online hoping the extra light from my laptop would help with the drowsiness. and also to utilize a program that has notes, comments, etc. so i could jot down my thoughts on certain passages as i went (we call that interactive, boys and girls).

know what? it really helped.

it did take me a few minutes to shake the cobwebs away, but once i did i really enjoyed my reading and i was able to think it through and actually have thoughts on it! yes! me! i thought! at 6am!

i think this was a do-over.

seeking Him

i've given up sleeping in for lent.

people go "huh?" when i say that, so i have a follow-up statement to clarify: i'm getting up early every morning to spend time in the Word.

i am (by nature?) a night owl. and i find that i operate optimally when i get about 8.5 hours of sleep. and my sweet spot for focus and creativity starts at about 2pm.

so.. how's this morning thing going?

train wreck.

but i've committed and i will see it through. i keep holding out hope that after two more weeks it will become easier, if not second nature.

it all boils down to the simple fact that i want to know God more. i yearn for Him. i want to spend time with Him. i want to read His word.. no, not just read it, but study it. i want my ears to listen as one being taught. i don't want to just read so i can check it off my list, i want it to affect me, to change me and to reveal my God to me.

so with this yearning in my heart i set out to do the near impossible: get up early.

i chose early because as i looked at my day i realized how incredibly difficult it is to switch into devotional mode at any point in my workday - even if i could physically excuse myself from my work area, it wasn't very easy to separate my thoughts from it, and once i'm home it is occupied and full of the people i want to spend time with for what's left of my day. not to mention how i want God to be the first part of every day. which brings me to the dreaded morning.

i set my coffee maker to have my coffee ready at 6am and set my trusty alarm. the first few days i was up right at 6am. since then it has shifted to me being out of bed between 6:20 and 6:40. i would move into my front room - a room i hardly spend any time in and don't really have any 'ties' to it. i would sit at the bench and read, trying to keep my eyes open, trying to maintain focus, and caught myself wondering aloud how people can function so soon after rising.

i've since moved into the living room, to feel that i am having coffee with God. the front room was impersonal and if i invited someone over i would not offer them a place in that room. it is the living room i would visit with them in. it felt more natural that way, but i don't like how open it is to the rest of the house. all the same, i will try it out a bit longer and see how it works.

but it seems that regardless of the location i am still having a lot of trouble keeping my eyes open to read. when i finish reading i try to think back on what i've read to ensure i am not passing my eyes over the words just to say i've read. i've been unhappy with the results. sometimes i cannot tell you what i've read at all, other times i can pull out some sections but the message may have been lost on me. i guess you can imagine how well i am "studying".

i've also been trying to memorize some verses and in the morning when i recite them i feel like i'm trying to recall through a fog, most times unsuccessful. but a few hours later in the shower or on my way to work i can recall them with ease. i wonder at that.

is this something i can overcome? or am i really just not a morning person? granted i've only done this for exactly one week, but i feel that i have not had one quality morning with Him in this week. i've read some. i've prayed some. but i am still so hungry for Him that i feel i've not truly fed.

i will continue because i made a commitment. and perhaps because i am hopeful that it will 'kick in'. but for now i'm disappointed, frustrated and very very tired.

throughout the week i have increasingly gained circles under my eyes. and yesterday jon remarked on my entire countenance dragging. this morning i was grateful that i actually got a full night's sleep last night, but i am still pretty wiped.

i'm at a loss.

this post is drenched in negativity. that bothers me. in my quest for knowing God more i am finding myself worse off than when i started. but perhaps it is merely the dark before the dawn.

ugh. dawn.

fish oil for the eyes

so i went to the eye doctor today and found out... [drum roll to build up the excitement and stall for suspense]... my eyes are good! but dry. very very dry.

he affirmed that the amount of money i put toward lasik was not wasted and that i had only a tiny amount of sight degradation and it was soley due to the (psst! come closer and i'll whisper this in your ear) aging process. other than that my eyes are great. no reading or driving glasses needed.

but my eyes are dry. i know this carries no shock value to those of you that have walked through the lasik process with me and watched me have to slather my eyes with goopity-mush-mush-gel-junk. for those of you that are unaware - i had to slather my eyes with goopity-mush-mush-gel-junk.

i was still taking restasis but was down to one drop in each eye per day. well i'm going back up to two a day. and the doc suggested taking an omega 3 oral supplement to help. apparently something in fish is good for keeping the orbs hydrated. well, ok, then. if it'll help, i'll try it.

i'm relieved it was nothing more than that. i would have been incredibly deflated to find out that everything i went through a year and a half ago was for nothing.

PHEW!!

sight for sore eyes

i had laser surgery a year and a half ago to correct my vision. there were a few minor hiccups in the process due to my excessively dry eyes, but nothing they didn't warn me about. and once everything finally got 'straightened out' (they had to do a lift-and-smooth because one of my corneal flaps wrinkled - i shudder at the memory) it was finally a delight to wake up in the mornings to a clear view of... everything!

i mean, i could really see! i didn't have to squint or focus hard - things were just right there - before my very eyes.

if you've ever needed glasses (and really needed them. not like what i tease my dot about: i tell him that looking through his glasses is like looking through a window) then you know what a dream it was to not have to futz with any of that stuff anymore. no more contacts or solutions, no more wiping (smearing) dirty lenses,.. none of that.

i could see! and oh it was wonderful. for days upon days after the surgery i would remark with awe, "i can't believe i can see". those little precious moments where i can recall being just giddy over my un-aided vision.

it was pure, unadulterated sight.

it was the blind man seeing.

it was the veil being removed.

it is going away.

yes, i am sad to report that the world is growing blurry again and i am on day 6 of a headache. now the headache could be due to the atmosphere - i get sinusitis so easily you could whisper the word in my general direction and it would flare up. and the blurriness could be due to dryness. i've been trying to lubricate my eyes - i use a dot of vasolinesque product in my eyes at night and a lighter gel drop during the day which is still more hefty than saline or wetting drops. but what if that's not it?

what if i spent all that money, time, and energy fixing my vision to just have it get worse again in 18 months? why on earth would i sink that many resources into something that brings me right back to where i was in the first place? it's a pointless, hopeless waste!

maybe it's my fault. i haven't had my eyes checked since i left the laser center. i should be taking much better care of these eyes that need to last me my lifetime. is it something i should have done differently? should i have been hydrating them more regularly (or at all)? should i stop staring at a computer screen for hours on end? do i need to eat more carrots?

***

remember when you became a christian? and it seemed like everything came suddenly and sharply to focus and you were giddy with delight over what was so clear to you now that hadn't been before?

remember how you noticed that you could see things for what they were.. that you saw situations or people or yourself through a different light?

remember the clarity, and the focus and how the veil was removed?

how're you doin' with that? still got that eagle eye? or have things blurred?

i think our spiritual vision requires maintenance and upkeep just as our physical vision does. maybe we require some hydration - living water that quenches eternal. maybe we need to give them a break - fasting from the good to make room for the best (do you need to tear your eyes away from email, facebook, and twitter for a day to reset your eyes on Him)? what about those carrots - you seeking nourishment? you can't see properly if you don't have your eyes fixed on Him. i'm just sayin'.

i've got an appointment with the eye doctor next week. a good ole checkup just to make sure things are hunkey dorey. you getting checkups? do you have someone keeping you accountable to what you allow to fill your mind and your heart through what you see? all day long we input input input. and as a result, whether we think about it or not, we process process process. and filter filter filter. who's making sure the processing and filtering are working? and that the input isn't taking in things it shouldn't? let's not wait to see what we output output output to determine if we're still in good shape.

oh that tongue of ours can get us into trouble - we know that - but that's our output mechanism. before it comes to that, i want to challenge all of you to 'be careful little eyes what you see' and to care for the vision we have lest we lose it to misuse or lack of.

ultimately - keep your eyes fixed on Him.

facebook frenzy and a little bit o' heaven

i tweeted in my sleep last night. now don't let your imagination get away with you - there were no resulting sounds or smells! - this was a twitter tweet. and i woke up thinking about social media.

as i pondered facebook and looked forward to connecting with friends and family again today, i was also yearning once more to know God better - to understand Him greater, to love Him deeper. and i giggled at a thought that struck me: i wanted to be a part of God's "news feed".

what if He were on facebook? He'd certainly befriend everyone. and He would delight over every post and poke that came His way, because they were from His dear ones. all of us His dear ones. we would get to read what's "on His mind" and receive messages from Him. and suddenly - i wanted nothing more than to befriend God on facebook. i wanted that intimacy that we can achieve with our friends and our families and those we have reconnected with after way too long. i wanted minute-by-minute updates on His status, i wanted to review and delight over our wall-to-walls.

and then another revelation hit me. we already have all that access to Him. and more! He has come to earth and bound himself in flesh and allowed that flesh to rip and tear and let loose the blood that saves this wretch. He gave me His word and as hard as we have tried.. His word cannot be broken. and oh how we tried. the shame of how we tried!

we have His spirit. His truth. we have His life - eternal eternal life!

i was delighting in this - spending the afternoon with Him. and while i reveled in His company (He joined me for coffee), i found another even greater joy!

i got to taste a little bit o' heaven.

i found through facebook, a dear, dear family member i had lost contact with. as soon as we reconnected - and it really was almost immediately - we began messaging and chatting and getting caught up. before i knew it i was crying and laughing out loud - just bursting with pleasure and giddiness. it was fabulous (it still is!). i simply couldn't type fast enough to share my life with him, and he me. when we finally parted with incredible difficulty so that he could get back to work, i began to twirl and slide across the floor in my stockinged feet (i simply don't care if that sounds old-fashioned. i am who i am), giggling and whooping. i was thanking God for this reunion and treasuring every memory it brought to me - holding them up to the light, examining them, and delighting in every exquisite detail. i was in the clouds.

and i realized - this is surely a tiny taste of what our heavenly reunion will be like. i imagined running up to friends, family, neighbors and holding them and looking them over and soaking in every bit of who they are and how very precious they are to me. and celebrating our lives - the past and the unfathomable future.

and then, i thought about finally getting to fall into my Maker's arms. oh what sheer delight just filled my soul. can you imagine it? my mind cannot wrap around this for fear of reducing it to an embarrassing blob of 'way-off-base'.

i will finally be home.

how i will rejoice that day. and i look forward to seeing all of you there. the grief of missing any one of you is simply too much. my heart cannot hold it. please come with me! if you don't know the way - i want to show you! or at the very very least, let me share with you how my life will never be the same because it belongs to Him now.

love to all of you.

the e word

my dot and i went to a leader rally this morning at church. we looked at the church's direction for the next year or so and about hopping on board this i am second movement. it pretty much boils down to the 'e' word.

people don't like the word evangelism. it drums up all kinds of negative images and connotations. but the truth of the matter is, it isn't going away and it continues to remain our call as christians. but it isn't about religion and it isn't about force feeding anything to anyone. it's about being Jesus to those that need Him. it's about people and relationships and hurts that need healing and hearts that need love. it's about doing what Jesus did and is still all about.

i love that my church desire to do just that. it makes me proud to be a part of such an incredible group of people.

i hope and pray God provides me opportunities to share my story with other people and tell them why i am no longer first in my life. i want people to know the grace i have experienced and let them know it is there for them as well. i want to live for the God who loved me and saved me and is deserving of all praise. i just.. well i just want to love God with every thing i am and give my life back to Him to use however He sees fit.

quiet

yesterday around noon dot and my brother left for a men's retreat. so i ended up with the house to myself this weekend. i am enjoying several things about this:
1) it is deliciously quiet
2) i slept in the middle of the bed, at a diagonal
3) no snory bear (refer back to #1)
4) i can blog without someone reading over my shoulder
5) the only messes i have to clean up are my own, ergo i am not cleaning up any messes!
6) it is deliciously quiet

about number 4... i have noticed that i get irritated when someone tries to read over my shoulder. and i could be reading an ingredients list on a jar of spaghetti but it will still get to me. it's not that i don't want someone to see what i am seeing - the content is not the point, it's the act of intrusion.

there have been several times where i've intended to blog.. even signed in to blogger, but then someone hangs over me watchin' my screen and i just can't do it. and the funny thing about it is that whatever i end up putting out here is open for all eyes to see. i guess the difference is that they aren't viewing it over my shoulder.

this has always bothered me. i wonder how much of this is a valid complaint or if it is just me being a pill. i'm entirely open to the fact that it could just be me.

at any rate, i am here and blogging and the only eyes on the page are my own. it is a satisfying feeling.

[for those of you wondering, no jon is not the perpetrator. i've already broken him of that habit. haha. j/k.]

i'm about to brew a cup of coffee and settle in for some bible study. then run a few errands and possible lunch at le madeleine. their tomato basil soup is fabulous! then i'll probably knit or read until life group tonight.

a leisurely day. no work. in fact, i have forbidden myself from working (which may be another factor contributing to me actually being on blogger than elsewhere). it's hard. i know of several things that need to be done. but... i require the down time. i've been working many evenings and every weekend for several weeks now and i'm feeling it.

alrighty then. i'm coffee bound.

salt grass

we have about an hour before dinner. jon's birfday dinner. he is now 38 - the same age as me!

i'm letting him rest (and snore) on the couch before we have to go, k2 is playing a video game on tv, and i thought i would get on blogger like i've intended to for waaayy too long.

jon took the day off for us to spend together for his birfday (which was yesterday). we had a leisurely morning, then went to oak cliff so he could see some of his old work buddies. he walked through the floor he worked on, shaking hands and getting caught up. he seemed thrilled to get to see everyone again.

six of us went to lunch together at vitto's, an italian restaurant that they'd all been to many times. it was amazing! they had these garlic-saturated rolls that they set out as appetizers that were to die for! i remember when he worked down there and they'd eat at that place for lunch.. i would smell garlic still on his breath when he'd come home that night. but garlic breath is a small and inconsequential price to pay for such a heavenly treat. i had the eggplant parmesan there. i was intrigued by their claim on the menu to add ricotta cheese between layers of eggplant so i had to try it. YUM! i'm so glad i have leftovers!

after lunch i snapped a picture of jon and his friends and gave lindsey my information so we wouldn't lose touch. she's jon's friend but i think she's way cool so i claim her.

then we drove up to whitesboro to visit with jon's aunt while she processed our paperwork for passports. we are going on a cruise to the bahamas in september and we are getting the logistics out of the way now. jon's mom had driven over from kingston so we got to visit with her some, too. it was nice to see them and was truly the highlight of the drive up.

oh yes, the drive. we listened to a book on cd. i had been listening for about a week or so during my short commute and jon just joined in when we got in the car this morning. we're only two discs from the end now. i enjoy the author's writing style and creativity. it is also read by the author which doesn't always work out so well, but she does a good job and we've been enjoying it. some of it made us laugh out loud.

came home to find my boy cat up and around and asking for food - YES! he is finally better after a week of moping around the house slurping snot and feeling all around miserable. poor little man. but he seems to finally be feeling himself again and has dried up significantly.

i called salt grass for 'call ahead seating' because they don't do reservations and we're meeting everyone there at 6:30pm. jon wanted pork chops! i checked out the menu and there are things there i will eat.. i am mostly excited about the range rattlers: "jumbo jalapeños stuffed with whole shrimp & jack cheese, fried to a golden brown." i will be trying them. oh yes. i will.

well, a glance at the clock tells me we should head on out.

happy birfday, my heart, even though it was yesterday! i LOVE you!

clearly

first - some great book recommendations:
the shack. everyone's talking about it and rightly so. it's an awesome piece of fiction that may change how you perceive your relationship with God and who you are in Him.
black. the first in a trilogy about a guy who wakes up in another world whenever he falls asleep here, and wakes up here whenever he falls asleep there. and thrilling adventures ensue in both places. took me no time at all to blast through it and now i'm onto red, the second in the circle.

i've been thinking about marketing and how simple moments of life are captured to make a product or service appealing. like depression pill commercials will show someone opening the blinds on their windows to reveal the sun shining in and the beauty of the outdoors, maybe even their own children playing in the yard. made me think that what they're selling isn't a depression pill at all (well, yes, they ARE, but through selling something else) - but the parts of life that people want. despite how clamorous and busy we work at making our lives, our inner desire is to make things as simple as possible. despite how people rarely say what they mean, we yearn for things to be straightforward.

a model home will sell houses because it is decorated minimally with clean lines and open spaces. there isn't clutter, there aren't overdone walls and furniture. but when we buy the house that it represents we fill it up to overflowing and feel unsettled and wonder what happened.

jon got me a camera for christmas and as i was learning how it worked i started really looking at the pictures i took. and i saw so much beauty in them. they were just so darn simple - my cats taking turns sitting in a box, my nephew peering over a balcony and looking very small, my mom with a bandanna tied around her head and making rocker signs with her hands. they captured real life, real simple fun unencumbered and straightforward life. it's what we find attractive and appealing. it's what sells!

i felt like i was seeing life clearly. the simpler it seemed, the clearer it became. and it was just the way i wanted it. regardless of what our life's efforts appear to betray about us, it really is what we seem to be after.

makes me think about all the hubbub of the career ladder and wall street and titles and prestige. and as crazy as people allow their lives to get, when they want to 'get away', they choose the simple. it seems to be in our very nature. so why aren't we grabbing onto that with both hands and building our lives around that instead? why does it just have to be what holidays are made of? why do we wait for christmas to spend time with family? why do we wait for those two weeks out of the year to stand outdoors and breath in nature? if it pleases us so much, why do we complicate and busy up our lives? are we that mislead and greedy?

i choose to see things clearly.
i choose simple.
i choose life.