truth

"where can you discern how truth has been warped in your own thinking by the world?".

interesting question. because you know it has, it is just hard to discern where because we see it as truth. if you cannot see the warped truth from the real truth, then how do you know when the truth has been compromised for a different version?

where do you begin to discern that?

uh, the bible. seems to be the answer to everything, it turns out.

if we can measure our known truth to the truth of the bible, and find discrepancies, and those discrepancies can be pinpointed to a source or sources.. then we can determine what source or sources cannot be trusted for real truth. and then we can begin to be on alert for them in our lives, recognizing when we happen upon them.

sigh. the bible really does solve everything.

look! see!

today's lesson asks an interesting question - who does not know you are a christian? and why not?

hmm.. i had to really think about that one, and i think i know someone who may not know. although when i think more on it, i think she does know. she is a friend of a friend that i met on a couple of occasions. i don't have any real face-time with her, at least no one-on-one.

and she is very jewish and very vocal about being jewish and very opinionated for such a young lady. and i get the impression she would argue for the sake of arguing. i don't tend to get into deep theological conversations with those people. but what about the simple "yes, i am a christian". i do let them know that, but if i get the feeling they are going to be a pill about it, i tend to be quiet after that.

yet in the light of a conversation that would turn to a place that would require me to stand up for what i believe in.. what would i do? would it depend on the company i am keeping at the time? i would like to say it would not. at least not know in my life. but would it? like, really, when it comes down to it?

i can think of an example not too long ago when i was pressed for a truth that the opposing party was saying was bunk. they said they couldn't imagine jesus requiring something of them because they knew that jesus wanted them to be happy.

and i told them i believed the truth to be true, but i also had to admit that i didn't know where in the bible the truth was provided.

i berated myself for not knowing my bible well enough. but i also prayed for God's wisdom in finding it so i could let them know.

i think when i find myself in territory where i cannot prove because of my lack of knowledge, i will confess truth as truth, but not really go much further than that. i have nothing to contribute at that point that would further God's case. i can only harm it then.

and that is bad.

so now what? i must learn.. constantly and fervently to be able to stand up to anyone wanting to bunk truth! i must know it so i can claim it and explain it. lovingly, of course, but how sorry would it be if i knew these people were counting on me to show them truth and i failed them. what if it is a matter of eternity? then SHAME ON ME.

freedom

happy birfday, my heart!

john 18:17-18 talks about peter's first denial of Christ. the study guide indicates that peter's story is displayed to magnify the forgiveness found in Jesus.

how interesting, that just yesterday i was talking to a pastor at work about how i have learned to no longer wallow in the guilt of bad choices, but to celebrate how great God's redemption is that i am no longer living the life i had, or making the choices i've made.

i was telling him that it has been a year and a half of God teaching me so much (i have had the greatest spiritual growth spurt since working at the church), and how i've finally tasted the freedom God has in store for us. how i am finally able to focus on God and not me and my sin. how i am able to finally open up about stupid stuff i do (instead of trying to look perfect all the time) and allow other people to be blessed by how God can use someone like me. to show them - there is hope for them as well.

i would love to say that i have always made good choices, that i always had my eyes on Him, that i became a christian and evermore walked the straight path. but alas i cannot. but here is what i can claim!! - my life can now magnify the forgiveness found in jesus! amen and amen!

the cost to follow

it came it came it came!! my little orange bible was in the mailbox today. it's ESV.. it's small.. it's orange.. it's rubbery grippy goodness! i immediately put my new bookmarkers in it (ones i got from my ma-in-law for christmas). one of them is marking john 18 for this study we're in right now. the other is marking ephesians 4.

and so it was with great delight that i began the study tonight, because i got to use my new orange Word charmed with little ribbon darlings marking my current favorite places.

today's study focused on peter's denial. and on the cost to follow Jesus Christ. we were reminded of the rich man who was told to sell everything and give his money to the poor. and he walked away sad because he could not trust Him enough to get rid of his riches.

and i wonder, what is my treasure? what is it that i think i cannot afford? what cost do i fear paying in order to follow Christ?

but even further, why do we look at it as a cost? why can't we see it in reality of the big picture? why can't we see it for what it is - a hindrance between us and a greater union with Him? if we saw 'the cost' the same way He did, i think we would recognize it as a stumbling block in our lives and immediately do whatever is necessary to remove it so we can move closer to God and further into service and obedience.

it's only a cost when we look at it with our own eyes.

but that is how we see it.

that is how peter saw it. he didn't want to be associated with Jesus at annas' court. what was his cost? was it his life - did he worry that they would put him to death? was it the cool factor - did he not want to be associated with what they considered the bad guy here? was it rebellion - did he want to get back at Jesus for calling him out at the garden when he was told to sheath his sword?

sadly, i can relate to all of these. i get peter. he's bold one moment and acting like an idiot the next. usually all in the name of Christ - for the most part i think he really tries to do the right thing. but at the court, well,.. i can't see how that can be attributed to peter thinking he was doing the right thing. he knew it wasn't. he knew it while he was doing it. he was probably saying "stupid, stupid, stupid" in his head the whole time.

and who am i to judge that? how often do i do or say something all the while ignoring the sirens going off in my head?

i think my cost is looking foolish, or boiled down: pride. it's nasty and ugly, but i put it on every morning. right over His new mercies. i keep donning that disgusting thing over and over saying "stupid, stupid, stupid".

i want to pay the cost to follow - so effortlessly would i pay it that i would not even consider it a cost, but a means to the end i desire. and that is to be closer to my Lord, my Savior, my Master.

how can you live differently?

today's question at the end of the study is: how can you live differently this week reflecting on God's love displayed for you in the cross?

i love that caiaphas said 'it is good for one man to die for many'. i love that we can sometimes do or say things with one intention and God uses them - no! he orchestrates them! - for another.

i was thinking today of a friend of mine who can get under my skin sometimes. and another friend was telling me how they were moved by something the other one said. so moved that they are rethinking things and getting excited about God. i smelled smoke from the fire in their belly.

my first thought was - be careful, friend. be alert and watch.. for sometimes this other friend can get a little off base and i don't want you to be swayed.

and it dawns on me. this friend is truly moved! the spirit is moving in them. WOW! and it was a direct result of someone i reacted with caution about.

hang on a second! i am the world's worst. i mean, i do things and say things all the time that are contrary to my profession of Christ being my Master (if He were my Master, wouldn't i obey all the time? wouldn't i never sin?). and yet, God still chooses to use me. and people get motivated by me and learn from me. God reaches people through me. i don't understand why but He does. He uses me!!

why, then, would He not use others with faults? none of us are right on. no, not one. He uses us (praise Him!) because He wants us to recognize that though we are faulty, He is not, and His perfect work can still be achieved through broken vessels. all the better, then, to display His glory.

that's the whole point! why would it give me pause to see someone truly moved to act for God, just because God used a faulty vessel? and who am i to compare when my vessel is in the worst state of disrepair>

so how can i live differently this week reflecting on God's love displayed for me in the cross?

oh the very fact that He can use caiaphas and me and others to get to exactly where He wants to go, do exactly what it is He requires to be done,.. makes me want to 'keep doing my best, pray that it's blessed, and He'll take care of the rest'.

amen, He will take care of the rest.

there's hope for me.

put down the sword

Father God - please show me the things that i rely on to 'save myself'.. things i do that ultimately add up to a hill of beans. my efforts don't cut it and we both know it.

please display those things to me. things that - perhaps You may still want me to do, but without the attitude or haughty behavior behind them.

i want to do only what is of You, and that i would die to myself.

i am crucified with Christ. nevertheless i live. yet not i, but Christ liveth in me. and the life which i know live in the flesh, i live by the faith of the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me

God - i pray You will fill me up with You, so much so that i start looking more and more like You everyday, and less and less like me. that people i know well would look more closely at me and say, 'you look different', 'have you changed?'

please reveal to me the things that i need to lay down before You and humbly ask for Your forgiveness. i want to know what to leave behind from this moment on, and i pray for the strength to do it, and the love for You that i would never take it up again.

my pride.. i lay that at Your feet.
my critical behavior.. Lord it is Yours.
my selfishness.. please cast that from me.
my desire to look good/smart.. i yearn to care only what You think.

Father please, deliver me from these things. continue to show me what is not of You so i can shed those from me. help me to walk forward, in Your steps. help me to lean on You and not myself or others. help me to know You and to love You.

give me a glimpse of Your glory, Lord. i want to fall to the ground in awe of You. allow me as much as i can humanly endure, or let me die seeing Your glory. what a way to go.

i'm sorry for my view of You bringing You to such lowly terms and thoughts in my mind. i know You are grander than anything i can imagine. i know You are greater than my thoughts can endure. give me a greater view of You so that i can love You more and praise You more and that i can continue to complete my worship of You.

chip away what doesn't look like You in my life.

His authority bought my freedom

week 1 day 3 says 'freedom from sin comes only through the authority of Jesus'. and it urges us to consider how we can declare God's authority in our lives this week.

i know areas in my life where i feel that i continue to perform the same sin over and over, like knowing that i am not a morning person and succumbing to being grouchy anyway. or my tendency to feel like i'm 'the only one working around here'. that just is not the case, but sometimes i let myself believe it and i get frustrated and i know people can read that on me. or when i'm overly critical*. or when i care too much what people think. or when i get rubbed the wrong way by someone i find annoying or irritating and i forget to recognize what is truly at the heart of their actions - are they crying out for acceptance or importance?

there is such freedom to claim if only i would stop being me and start acting like the child of God i am! He's already bought it, this freedom. His authority has earned it! already. that is in the past and now it just a matter of moving forward clutching and living out this freedom!

i'm sitting here thinking.. man! if we only got it. you know, like truly GOT IT what our Lord has done for us. FOR US! people! we are so freakin' undeserving and yet He did it for us. what would our lives even look like, because i know it wouldn't even resemble what we've got going on here right now. our lives don't at all reflect the amazing gift of freedom we have already received. it's like getting the bestest most expensive amazing highest tech car ever made and keeping it ribboned up in the garage, never starting it up, never opening the door, never making an appearance in it. you would walk around telling people what you got, but without ever showing it off, without ever actually driving it, folks would wonder what was wrong with you or think you were lying about it.

we've got a rockin' vehicle here, WHY AREN'T WE OUT THERE IN IT??

hm.

i just realized i way veered off onto a tangent. maybe that was meant to be. maybe i just really need some caffeine.

*something i think i may have stumbled upon about myself is that what makes me great at my job almost makes it very difficult to be in a relationship. i'm very critical. when i'm observing the services at church and debriefing them later, i can usually come up with things that could have gone better, more efficiently, or things that need to be improved or avoided in the future. i feel like God has given me an eye for that so i can do the job He has laid before me. but it bleeds into my relationships. particularly with my husband. i know i am critical. and i know sometimes it realy hurts him because he feels like i'm telling him he isn't good enough. and i hate that about me. i need to allow that to flourish in me where it is necessary and called for, but curb it when i am with my loved ones. i can have high expectations for them, sure, because i want the best for them and i want them to be the best. but not to shoot them down or think they aren't trying when they don't achieve something trace thinks they should achieve. that's my will. not God's. and God created them, not me. if i created people, then sure, i could exert my will on them all the live long day. but alas that will never be the case. we are not creators. we are His people, all following His unique design for each of our individual lives.

becoming aware of this about myself thrills me.
knowing i must now move forward with that knowledge and apply it overwhelms me.

judas took the bread

judas departed to betray jesus
the one destined for destruction
satan put into judas' heart the idea of betraying jesus
satan himself entered judas
the man through whom satan acts to rebel against God in the last days

imagine having that close a 'relationship' with satan that these things could be said of you.

eery, isn't it? it's quite unsettling and dismanteling. it's unfathomable, really.

but why else would judas do those things to him? why else would he betray him?.. if satan had not entered him? what else could 'possess' him to do such a thing to Christ our Lord?

but here's the kicker:

26Jesus answered, "It is he to whom I will give this morsel of bread when I have dipped it." So when he had dipped the morsel, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. 27Then after he had taken the morsel, Satan entered into him.

jesus gave the word. he said the one who would betray him was the one who he would give the morsel of bread to. and judas took it. he accepted that he would betray jesus. he made the conscious decision. he didn't hem and haw over it. he didn't slap it out of jesus' hand and tell him no way, jose, i will never betray you. he didn't argue. he just took it and displayed to everyone that he would perform the very betrayal jesus talked about.

and then satan entered him.

whoops. who do we blame now? satan didn't enter judas until after judas took the bread. how can we say it was the devil that made me do it? who does our shame on you finger point to now?

i also think it is interesting that jesus gave him bread and that judas took it. because didn't jesus just explain that the bread was his body? jesus gave him his body. he handed himself over. and judas took it. satan took it. but amen, brothers and sisters, he could not keep it. he could not keep our Lord in the ground.

His true colors

today is the first day of studying the new series "24: the hours that changed the world". we'll be going through john 18 as it relates to Jesus' last hours of His life here among His disciples.

this morning we simply focused on the setting of events, really:

1 When Jesus had spoken these words, he went out with his disciples across the Kidron Valley, where there was a garden, which he and his disciples entered.

i wonder what it would have been like to have been there - to experience life knowing the man, Jesus. to have sat at His feet to listen and learn. to have walked with Him, served Him. to be around others who knew Him and to hear their views of Him and His words and works. to have had His counsel.

i'm rather independent and recognize that His 'inner twelve' were all men. how would i have felt about that if i were from that period? would i have yearned to be a part of that? or would i have accepted it graciously and simply waited for the times i could take part and glean what i could when i could?

when it talks about He and disciples entering the garden, does that exclude the women that were in his close band of followers? was it the elite twelve or would i have been allowed to come?

imagine knowing - being fully aware of where that road will lead - to the garden, yes, but the next 24 hours and all that it encompassed. He was God and man! He would grasp everything that He was about to endure as only God can, and yet the man would endure it. and He went anyway.

the study guide reminds us that a person's true colors come out during the trials of life. so as we view the hardest, most brutal time in Jesus' life, we get to see what He's really made of. how does He handle these trials? how does He act and reacte? what is this Christ's true color?

i think it's orange.

four thirty-five

it's not often that i'm awake in the middle of the night. if i ever am at all, it's brief and very quickly followed by further blessed sleep. i've heard of God waking people up to speak to them - to see a verse or to journal, etc. but it's never been me! and yet now i've been awake for over an hour and as tired as i feel i am, i simply cannot go back to sleep.

and as i lay in bed, praying, reaching out to God, asking if there is something i should be hearing from Him, lifting up my church, my department, my marriage, this bible study we're about to do, and church planting, i was struck with the basicest of ideas: the name of a church incubator.

you see, a friend of mine and i were talking one day about church plants and he was telling me about an idea of helping church plants get on their feet. and it dawned on me that this is probably a new kind of approach to church planting - it was about building a church within the walls of another (like lighting a candle from a fire so it can go and create another fire).

i am quite intrigued by this idea, because as i've been known to tell people, i feel like one of the things i am good at is developing/refining a process and then teaching it to others and then moving on. not being the one to carry on the process, but the implementer, the tutor, if you will.

fascinating! and i've been mulling around in the very back of mind the possibility of being involved in a project like this. particularly since it seems that as of late, i continue to hear of church planting in the most unexpected places. coincidence?

so as i was praying over whatever future church planting has, whether at my own church or in my own life, i thought of a neat name: the greenhouse - growing church plants from a mustard seed.

i love the idea of growing a plant from a seed. and i love the play on the word 'plant'. and i love the idea of a church being grown from faith, which the mustard seed has represented.

so i got up and googled. an online excerpt about the parable of the mustard seed:

The mustard seed stands for the progress of the church from small beginnings. Because of its minuteness, the mustard seed came to symbolize small beginnings, denoting the smallest weight or measure, a tiny particle. The parable focuses on this idea of smallness. The mustard seed is something small that does its part to expand in preparation for the Kingdom of God. The seed represents an instrument by which spiritual growth can be advanced, just as a plant grows and reproduces itself through a seed.

i was expecting to find something on faith. but instead, i find something on the mustard seed representing the church. i tell you, i did not expect that. so another play on words! this is getting fun!

i love that it talks about a plant growing and reproducing itself. imagine building up new churches within a church, a church reproducing itself and sending itself out to reap the harvest.

i know this probably sounds crazy, but as i was praying and wondering why i was still awake, i asked God if He wanted me to get up and write about this. should i, Lord? is this of You? do i act on this?

and i glanced over at the clock and it read 4:35. and i was compelled to finally get up and go look up john 4:35. here is the scripture in the ESV:

35 Do you not say, 'There are yet four months, then comes the harvest'? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest.

jesus was being urged by his disciples to eat when he responded by saying he has food to eat they know nothing of. they thought he meant that someone else had provided him food until he explained that his food is to do the will of God and to accomplish His work. and that the harvest is ready now.

if i were a church getting ready to grow from a mustard seed, i would want my food to be the will of Him who sent me to do it, and to accomplish it. and to remember that the harvest is ready now - that there are people ready and waiting for this church to embrace them and love them. that they are saturated with the need for this church. they are ripe, as the church would be ripe to develop and harvest them.

matthew henry consice commentary explains john 4:35:

Christ compares his work to harvest-work. The harvest is appointed and looked for before it comes; so was the gospel. Harvest-time is busy time; all must be then at work. Harvest-time is a short time, and harvest-work must be done then, or not at all; so the time of the gospel is a season, which if once past, cannot be recalled.

could it also be, though i believe when Christ speaks of the harvest that he refers to the yet unsaved,.. that some folks he has designated to harvest chuches to go out and minister to the unsaved? that my harvest may be churches whose harvest are the lost ones.

hmm.

matthew henry's also says 'God sometimes uses very weak and unlikely instruments for beginning and carrying on a good work.'

praise God! i have a chance!! i am as unlikely as they come and yet God will still use me. there is hope for me. praise God. could i be the unlikely to begin a good work? and that God will bring other unlikelies to carry it on? afterall, it's what i'm good at. i don't think that's a mistake. i know God gives you talents and experiences and skills, that you develop all according to His plan, to be used for His work and to His glory. could it be that he has been raising up a church raiser in me?

i refuse to put words in His mouth or ideas in His head. but i wonder if this very night - the fact that i got up to blog in and of itself is just absurd in my book when there is sleep to be had. and the fact that i have been thinking of church plants lately. and seeing how it all can potentially fit together - my skills and desires and interests and passions and talent and the incredible need - the ready harvest. is it all in my head that it seems right? or is there something here that i will have the incredible advantage of getting to watch God orchestrate before my very eyes?

by the way - thegreenhouse.org domain is currently for sale.

nehemiah's prayer

nehemiah's heart went out to the people in jerusalem (because of their great trouble and shame?). he loved them so that he wept and mourned and fasted and prayed. for days. his heart is with the people,.. what a great testimony of his leadership.. that he wasn't so far above them that he could actually stop and recognize his own sin of acting corruptly and not keeping commandments.

he IS one of the people, it seems, to have that degree of connection to them. what in my role with volunteers and those i claim to invest in displays that kind of loyalty, connection, heart and compassion?

..but if you return to me.. ah, there it is. our second chance once again. You are the God of chances, You allow us to continue to attempt and continue to strive. You don't give up on us. we deserve to be scattered. but Your provision of grace overflows and allows us to regroup, to be gathered and brought to a place chosen by You. chosen by YOU! if we return to You.

You are the same God who heard nehemiah's prayer, You heard those words uttered by him and read aloud by me. You are the same God. please, i pray, for the same second chance. i want to regroup, to return to You. i don't want to be unfaithful, so please, i pray, show how to be faithful.

it took only You, with your great power and strong hand, to redeem us. only You can and only You did.

Father, grant me success. whatever that looks like to You, i want that and nothing more. nothing human, nothing wordly. nothing successful by anyone's standards but Yours. and my success may not even look like anyone else's. i doubt it ever could. for how could anyone else like me end up where i am? i am too blessed, far beyond any measure that i deserve or can even deal with outside of You?

i do pray, that you will be attentive to my prayer - the prayer of Your servant! but i also plead that You will make me attentive to Your words. that i will listen and know and act and delight in all of it.

my eyes and my throat tell me to cry, i am overhwlmed. maybe it is just the day i've experienced - such tumult and misdirected passion, it seems. i feel very strongly that my friend needs to reexamine his attitude, needs to listen clossely to You, needs to step back and look at what we have accomplished today up to the point where he began to refuse. i have been wrong most of my life, and it wouldn't surprise me to be wrong again, but my heart says he has so much pain that it is a deterrant in moving forward in Your work, in Your ministry. oh, please God, that You remove any stumbling blocks to Your path for all of us as a team and individually. may i stress, ALL of us.

and Lord if this job as it seems to be laid out for me, if that is Your goal, Your design for my service at this juncture of my life, i pray You will cement in my heart and lead me, guide me, equip me, and never leave me, but work through me with your neverending strength.

and provide, Lord, for any holes i may have to create to focus where You will have me serve. and empassion me where i need to be sold out, 100%.

thank You for the experiences You've given me to do what You've laid out for me to do. please don't let me disappoint You. please let me knock it out of the park - be ALL You have designed for me, don't let me hold back, don't let me get in Your way, don't let me rest, don't let me be lazy.

i have sorely disappointed You in the past. far too many times to want to revisit. but i can do something going forward. please, God, that i would honor You in my future, honor You with how i can use my past, and honor You in every present moment!

i love You. please help my life to show that whole-heartedly and in revolutionary ways. and with all i am.

girl burp

you know, it's funny. i think of things all throughout the day that i would like to put in my blog and then when i'm actually here (which obviously is not often enough) it's gone. just.. gone!

i do want to share some fun stuff i got at jcpenney with my christmas gift card, though!!

this is similar to one top i got, same structure, etc, except that it is black and green throughout on a grey background.

i have been wanting some mary jane style shoes for a while and this top pushed me over the edge.. er.. into the shoe department where i found the perfect chunky mary janes. in the kids' section. size 4. mine.

here is another similar top i got. again, same structure, except the color of the little jacklet is brown and the top is mostly yellow with colorful flowers along the bottom. i think i'll wear that one friday so i'm comfy for my all day offsite with my department.



another recent acquisition is a red vest, but i couldn't find even a similar photo, so you'll have to use your imagination. the body is made of that flotation device-looking stuff. you know, snow jacket material. and then it has a ribbed sweatery neckline and a removable hood with faux fur along the edge. how cute is that?? i wore it today and thought i was cooler than a bees knees.

here's a photo of my new emm jays



my sister-in-law is responsible for my recent discovery that i can fit into a kids' size. we were at target and i wanted to get some camouflage tennies but they didn't have any that i liked in women's. then as we were looking for shoes for the kids, she teases that i could probably fit into them. then in all seriousness she looks at me and says, "why don't you try these on?" i thought she was looney. so i tried them on. and guess what? i walked out of target the new owner of those camouflage tennies i'd been wanting for oh so long.

see? being small has finally displayed some advantages. finally.

i am supposed to be studying for a greek class i have tomorrow, so i'd better skidaddle.

ugh. just did a girl burp. (you know.. the in-you-mouth while your lips are closed kind.) bell pepper. blech!

pink eye

we are on the south beach diet now. we're in week two of phase one and i feel i am just counting the days to get to phase two to get to the fruit.

my dot has been pretty run down since we started it but i think it is partly a bug that i think he has. his tummy has been yukky for a few days.

i was getting a bit fuzzy in the mornings until i figured out when to eat and now i'm feeling pretty good. i have a lot more energy now (except for right now - i'm beat).

i am definitely enjoying the healthy eating, i feel like i'm doing my body right. and my dot already looks like he's lost some of his belly. i'm so proud of him, he really hasn't complained about being on the diet. in fact, he helps me prepare meals which is a major plus. i don't feel so burdened with all of it when he lends a hand.

i finished knitting my MIL her scarf and am working on one for my brother. his is made with two yarns at the same time. next i am going to try changing colors - i have no idea how this is done! mom and G have been knitting a bit, too, which makes it much more fun.

i got some pretty cool knobby yarn that i'm going to make a scarf for myself out of. hope i don't end up with a big mess.

the cats are curled at my feet already nonnies which is where i need to be. later.

i bought it!

i got a borders gift card for christmas from my dot's family. so this evening i went online and found the perfect bible.

i've been wanting an esv for awhile, but i had no idea i was going to stumble onto this baby:

how perfect is this? it's like, it was made for me.

i opted for free shipping so i may not see it for a couple of weeks, but oh it will be worth it. oh yes, it will.