daily bread

last sunday my pastor preached on part of the Lord's Prayer. i was not there to hear him give the message since i was at a women's retreat. but!... because i'm the one who puts the sermon outline and notes into youversion, i got to read the material last week before i left. which is why, by the time sunday rolled around, i'd already been thinking about his words for several days. and i'm still thinking about them.

one of the things he talked about was praying for our daily bread...

We are told to pray daily for bread, basic needs, not for daily cake. In other words for transportation, not a Rolls Royce. By asking for our daily bread, we are acknowledging that our lives are in God’s hands. We recognize that all we have ultimately comes from the Lord.

what struck me about that was that the act of praying for daily bread is an acknowledgement that all we have comes from the Lord. that without Him, we have nothing and we are nothing.

and Jesus said that when you pray to pray like this... this is the very example he gave us on how to pray. and we are also told to pray without ceasing.

so if this is how we pray, and we are to always be praying, then i cannot help but consider that i need to  continually recognize i am nothing and that i have nothing without God; to pray for daily bread without ceasing.

at the retreat we sang a song with these words

I believe You're my Healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe You're my Portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

and it dawned on me that this song was about praying for my daily bread - it was about recognizing that i am His hands and that all i have comes from Him. and that He is all i need. in fact, he's MORE than enough for me.

and then we sang another song. and another. and they all recapped that theme of Him providing everything we need and that without Him we have nothing.

we kept singing about and praying for our daily bread. it was beautiful!

Article of our trip to Uganda

This article was submitted to both Jon's and my employers for use in their newsletters. We are delighted that either of them would want to distribute our story. And I thought I would publish here, too, for funsies... in case you aren't on either of those lists.


Not many people have experienced horrors worse than most scary movies out there; witnessed, or even participated in, acts that make one question just how far-reaching "is" God's mercy anyway? But some have. And the Village of Hope exists for just such people.

Through Village of Hope they are plucked from poverty. They are counseled and cared for. They are provided shelter, safety, food, community and love. And after those many atrocities they were forced to be a part of, they can finally find the kind of freedom and forgiveness that might otherwise seem unattainable. Oh - and did we mention they are children!

Most are former abductees of the Lord's Resistance Army - a militant group of terrorists based in northern Uganda that is known for its heinous human rights violations, including murder, abduction, mutilation, sexual enslavement of women and children, and forcing kids to participate in hostilities.

That is their past. Village of Hope gives them a future.

We were interested the moment we learned there was a mission trip going to Uganda to care for orphans; that is our passion after-all. And it seemed that every time we turned around we were hearing about this trip making it near impossible to ignore. And so with full hearts and willing hands we signed up to be part of the 12-person team that would spend two weeks sharing the love of Christ with the children of Village of Hope.

This team would become like family to us. In Africa we shared everything from meals and huts to much laughter and even a few tears. But before we ever left American soil we met together almost weekly for three months to pray together, plan curriculum and songs, learn about the culture and share resources and inoculation horror stories. :)

And on August 4, our team-family waved goodbye to loved ones and embarked on a journey that would change the beat of our hearts forever.

The children were so gentle and sweet, so warm and loving. There was no shortage of smiles and curtseys, then eventually, hugs and cuddles. They soaked up every bit of attention and love we poured over them. They sang constantly, in the classroom or doing chores, and wanted to learn every song we knew, which we had to sing with them over and over again.

They live their lives simply and peacefully, but we know that wasn't always the case, and sometimes it was difficult to remember there was a former LRA abductee behind those bright smiles and soft voices. Until we joined them for prayer.

Every morning and every evening the children would gather and sing praises to God and worship him with a fervence most Americans need in a bad way. And soon those songs would fade into prayers, cries out to the Father, wails, even! For these kids have seen darkness. And while they have been rescued and saved, those nightmares and grief still pain them. They are haunted by deaths of parents or siblings, sometimes at their own forced hands. The blood, violence and innocence lost are thick in their pleas for God to free them from their horrors.

Most of the children would pray on their knees with their heads bent to the cold, cement floor, but some would turn their faces into the wall behind them and let out such mournful cries that shivered our very souls.

What do you do with that?

What can some "Mzungus" (white people) from a comfortable, safe and clean (spoiled? indulgent?) life in Allen, TX, do for these precious children? How can we relate? What can we possibly offer them that could be of any real value?

We brought the kids new clothes, some much-needed school supplies, sports equipment and materials to make crafts. But the greatest gift we brought with us was, unexpectedly... us.

They have been shunned by whatever relatives they may have left, shunned by their villages, shunned by their communities. And after experiencing so much rejection like that, over and over... imagine then having someone you don't even know being willing to spend time and money to travel across the globe to just walk with you to the well and sing songs with you and hold your hand.

Imagine the value that you would begin to feel again. Imagine starting to see how big God's love is for you, that he would provide this team of strangers to love you and hug on you and tell you stories about God -- not just through their lessons in the classroom but also in the way they behave toward you and seem to just love you no matter why you have been rejected in the past. Imagine.

They wanted us. They wanted our time and our attention. And in that, was their very happiness.

These children who have seen darkness, who have walked through hell and come out on the other side, have found a God full of forgiveness that can cover and cleanse anything they had to do to survive. They found a God who sustains them and gives them peace. And a God who sends human hands to hold them, human voices to sing for them, and human hearts that will overflow with love for them.

Those are our hearts! They beat differently now. When we're very still, they almost sound like an African drum, softly, rhythmically calling us back to sing for the children again.

Can you hear it?

Jon and Trace
Follow our journey

are you my sponsor?

when jon and i returned from uganda, we began to pray and ask God how we might become further involved with the village of hope and do what we can do ensure these children have a godly, successful future. and one of the things we considered was the child sponsorship program.

in this program, $100 a month can completely take care of one child - his food, clothing, medical and school tuition and supplies. but you don't even have to fully sponsor a child, you can partially sponsor them. you can do what you can afford - what God provides for them through you.

so we prayed about that and talked about it. and several nights later i had a dream.

i was in one of the classrooms at the village, and vicky was sitting at a desk writing me a note. she slid it over to me and i looked at it and all the note said was...

are you my sponsor?

i woke up and told jon we will be sponsoring vicky. :)

so we talked to the sponsorship folks and starting asking about who else we could sponsor. i wish we could take them all! in fact, i prayed for God to provide more money for us to care for more kids. and so, He began to make a way. through us.

we started to shift some things around and to get rid of things in our life that we didn't need but that was costing us money each month. we decided it would be better to do without some things so the kids could eat.

and after many questions and much praying and lots of day-to-day changes to accommodate, we are the proud sponsors of these four absolutely beautiful babies.

the vicky on the left was the one i dreamt about. and the one i wrote about. for some reason she so captured my heart that i cannot let her go. all of them did, i dream of and miss and love all of them. but there is something deeper with her.

they are all a joy and i am looking forward to the day we get to see them again (we're looking at april). and hear them call me mama trace again. and kiss their heads and take in their scents. mmmm! mama can't wait.

it is a privilege and an honor to get to help them and to be a part of their furthering and upbringing and care. but it is not an exclusive privilege. you can have it, too. you can help care for one of these darlings. and you don't even have to fully sponsor one, just partially if it is all you can afford. but you might be able to afford it. do some shifting. get rid of some things you just don't need and provide the basics for a child who needs to eat and wear clothes and go to school.

God has provided for the poor and downtrodden... through us. we are His incredible plan. step up and join us and become a sponsor. and fall in love with a kid or two.

what's in a name?

today it was announced that our church is changing its name from mckinney fellowship to christ fellowship. and while i have heard there are some folks not happy - or at least reticent - about the name change... i love it!

i love that the new name says we are not about a city, but about a savior. and i love that by removing the word mckinney we may extend as far reaching as God chooses to send us. it says we are not bound by geography but rather freed to share the gospel to the ends of the earth (we were free to do so before, but now the name represents that).

and i love that christ comes first. he should! not just in the title but in our lives and the way we represent ourselves and in our thoughts and habits. christ comes first.

yeh. i like that. i like it a lot.

we used to have the full name 'mckinney fellowship bible church'. and i think one of the harder transitions for some people is that the word 'bible' is no longer in the name for we are to be simply: christ fellowship.

my bible reading this weekend took me to john 5:39 where Jesus says...

You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me

the bible is merely what points to or bears witness about christ. it is christ we are all about; the bible is a means to him. and so with christ in the name, we have all we need. (not to mention that christ is The Word).

and so i believe that this is a good change. a smart change. a change that tells people what we are about with no boundaries.

me likey.

obsessed with knitting

i'm back in my knitting phase. i can hardly concentrate on anything else. my marriage, my job, the cats - they are riding backseat in my knit-mobile. i woke up thinking about knitting today, for goodness' sake.

it is my prayer that i wake up to God's praise and that i would fall asleep with the utterance of it on my lips. now it seems that has been replaced by knitting. i am so in trouble.

i started this sweater back in march and it got shelved for a [long] while as life took over.

but now i am back into it with a vengeance and i'm determined to finish it by the time it is chilly enough to wear it. the back panel and two front panels are done (except for the accent color which i'm doing at the end). and the cuffs are done and i've started working on the sleeves.

cameron did ask me if i was going to wear my hair like that, too. i had to explain that i am only making the sweater.

then last weekend i was jonesing for some new yarn so i went to the woolie ewe and bought one skein of some gorgeous yarn that matches the color of my favorite long, orange scarf just perfectly. i am going to attempt my first hat and then i shall be truly stylin'.

and i have also finally gotten the guts to attempt my first louisa harding sweater. i bought the louise harding dauphine pattern book almost a year ago and take it out every once in a while, drool over the patterns, and promptly put it away with no intention of starting anything. yet. but it's time. i am now on the hunt for the perfect yarn for this sweater.

and! i am addicted to reading knitting blogs right now, too. (i told you i was in trouble.) and the thing with blogs is that when i find one i am enthralled with i have to find the very beginning and read all the way through every single post. i did that with kissesfromkatie when i was getting ready for our first uganda trip. now i'm doing that with soulemama.

i've also been hunting for the perfect knee high sock pattern to eventually knit my first pair of socks. one would think i would start with a smaller sock for my first ones, but have you ever known me to do so? sigh. sadly... no. i have to do things the hard way. i think i will land on a drops design pattern since they are just delicious looking! although the socks i'm super in love with i have no idea where they came from. but me likey.

sooo... that's my latest (returned) obsession. knitting. if you happen to be a co-obsessor, come find me on ravelry and show me what you're working on. and if you're not on ravely, um,.. why not? it's a GREAT free site for keeping track of all of your knitting or crocheting projects or needles or stash or buddies.

vicky

this is a girl who i began to refer to as 'stoic vicky' - and everyone knew who i meant.

our first day on the land at the village of hope in uganda, the children shook our hands and greeted us and bowed (so sweet!) and vicky was among them. there was a variety of responses to us - some of the kids were eager and outgoing, some of them a little shy but interested,... vicky watched us. quietly.

when we went to evening prayer down in the school room or when we sang worship to the Lord at 6:30 in the morning in one of the kids' houses, vicky was watching us. quietly.

in fact there were several times when the kids would be in our camp and we'd be singing or taking photos or playing games and vicky was nowhere to be found. she didn't jump into anything, she wasn't going to be drawn in by the new, shiny toy (us) like some of the others. she stayed on the side or out of sight. but i saw her watching.

one afternoon there was a group of us sitting in the grass while the others were doing sports.

"tell us a story," joyce asks.

their culture is so big on telling stories. americans? not so much. and i had no idea what to say. i hemmed and hawed and considered something like the three little bears, but finally decided to tell them the story of how jon and i met in high school and then he went his way and i went mine and we had lost track of each other. and then we met back up again and we knew we were meant to be together.

they smiled and laughed and then asked for another.

another? but i don't know any stories! it was a stretch to get that one out of me.

and then for some reason i thought of my dad and shared with these girls that my dad had been a preacher. and when i became a believer and follower of Christ that my dad was the one who baptized me. and that he lives in heaven now, but that one day, i am assured, i will see him again and spend eternity with him.

it made me cry. just a little.

and vicky was right in front of me watching the whole thing. quietly, of course. in fact, thinking back, i believe she might have been the one who asked for that second story.

later on that day was when i went to the well with the girls. we sang all the way there, them wanting to learn all of the songs our team had been teaching them. they loved the jungle song and would ask for it by saying "ooh ooh".

when we got to the well, and the smaller children were filling the jerry cans with water, we moved under the shade of a tree where vicky made a place for me to sit. they all stood around me, even some behind me, just to hear my songs.

those few glorious moments at the well are forever etched on my heart, for it was there that i began to see this soft, sweetness in vicky. she was a leader, i could see that. she would begin songs and lead the other girls in them. but she would also gently ask me to sing another. and another. and yet another! and for stories. and for recitations of acholi words she was teaching me.

how interesting that this young lady, so near a well full of water, would thirst for something else. reminds me of another woman at a well.

she wanted to be filled with something else. value, perhaps. love. care. time. something that would wash over her and renew her. something that would echo Jesus to her.

oh i hope i was able to give her that, for all i had with me to give her was me. i poured 'me' over her. gave her my attention and my time and my smiles and songs.

she taught me one of their songs, 'child of God', and we sang it over and over again. i can even hear her voice, kind of whispery and it would all but disappear if she sang too high.

then i taught them a song that we sang all the way back to camp. some of the other kids heard us singing and they wanted to learn it. then others on my team decided we needed to teach it to all of them! it became a favorite.

after that time at the well, it seemed i was never without at least one of those girls. but something special happened between vicky and me. when we were doing our ESL classes or bible stories, i would see her make room for me next to her on whatever bench she was sitting. her eyes would find me and i had a feeling she was always aware of where i was.

days later when it was time for them to load up in the vans and head out for the 3-week holiday from school, she was packed somewhere into the middle of the van. i was reaching in, holding hands with everyone and loving on them and saying goodbye. i had reached in, holding myself steady with one hand on the outside of a window. when i looked, she had placed her hand on mine from the inside. separated by glass but joined together by so much more. so much unsaid but entirely understood by the both of us.

i looked over at her and saw tears in her eyes.

this reserved, quiet, stoic young woman had tears in her eyes. they had learned not to cry. it was a lesson beaten into them. a lesson they learned by seeing first hand that when you cry you are killed. the LRA would not tolerate tears and would kill you themselves or force one of your peers or siblings to do it if they caught you crying. the ones who could turn that part of themselves off, would be the ones to survive.

vicky had stopped crying because it kept her alive. and now she had tears in her eyes.

my initial reaction was to think to myself, 'oh, my dear vicky. don't cry. please don't cry.'

but that didn't last long. because what those tears really meant is something sweet and beautiful. for they not only meant sadness to leave the village, and perhaps sadness to leave new friends, but also openness, healing, passion, feeling, a part of her coming back to life after so much horror and fright. those tears meant a new beginning, a new kind of life where she can have thoughts and feelings of her own and have that be ok. she can embrace every part of herself that is made in the image of a God who feels things, too.

those tears on the outside showed me that on the inside she is a young lady coming back to life. it reminds me of lyrics from a david crowder band song "what was said to the rose to make it unfold was said to me here in my chest." God is restoring her soul and the bigness and brightness of His love is opening her up like a flower in the sun.

oh how i pray that she continues to blossom and grow into the woman God has designed her to be. and i also pray that i get to watch that happen before my very eyes.

uganda, debrief

after returning from uganda, i had an opportunity to share with the wonderful staff i get to work with about the trip. i knew i'd lose focus if i didn't have it written down, so i prepared it ahead of time. this is what i said:


first - i have greetings to give you, from the village of hope headmaster, the teachers and the rest of the staff, as well as the children. they all wished me to carry their greetings back to you.

the most difficult question for me to answer that i've already heard over and over is "how was it?" because that question cannot be answered quickly, lightly or most times without tears. this trip moved me. but then, how could it not?

the best way i've been able to sum it up for those fly-by questions is to simply say, "it was a God-encounter."

and it was.

his timing was impeccable. [this is where i explained what has been going on with the village. you may ask me about it personally but i won't be posting it here. thanks for understanding.]

so.. all of this going on while we were there, the children knowing and fearing the inevitable return to wherever 'home' would be for three weeks, we were able to help distract them with bible stories, games which they called "many funs" and a lot of songs, hugs, kisses and love. we also provided some much needed ESL classes. the children speak and mostly learn in the classroom by their native language, acholi. but their exams are all in english. imagine the difficulty.

so the timing of us being there and pouring ourselves into them was, apparently, just what they needed. God is good.

our team was amazing. we had bonded so neatly and tightly before we had even left that i felt like we were truly family. we were the embodiment of the concept of the body of Christ. where one of us lacked, the other had a strength. there were no quarrels, no conflicts, no feelings hurt. we were a single unit with a single focus. i've never experienced that before.

we laughed with each other. sometimes we laughed at each other. like when amy wondered why her chicken tasted so funny until she realized she ordered fish. and then she declared it good. the chicken and fish were in gulu. once on the land, it was pretty much beans N rice. a lot of people have wondered if i got sick of eating that every day or if i minded the lack of "certain facilities."

i did not mind the squatty potties. i didn't mind taking a bucket bath even if the water was cold. i didn't mind beans N rice for lunch and dinner every single day, i simply didn't tire of it. the one thing i missed and began to yearn for was to climb into bed with clean feet.

two of many learnings for me over there:

i was born american for a reason. i was born into this package of 'the challenge of more stuff', the drive for power, looking out for number one, the many benefits and freedoms. that package is the one God chose to bring me into and raise me up in. there is a reason for that and i want to use it the way God intended. i'm praying that God will use me in the package he gave me to serve him and give him all that he created me for. whatever that looks like.

the other thing i learned, or am learning, and this is a hard one for me, is that my time was probably the greatest gift i brought with me to give to them. just about at every turn we were being thanked for coming over and spending time with the children. and i just felt like it was a culture thing, being excessively thanked like that. i had a hard time grasping that truly the best thing we could do for these kids is spend time w/them.

they have been shunned by whatever relatives they have left, shunned by their communities, shunned by their villages.... after experiencing so much rejection like that, over and over... imagine then having someone you don't even know being willing spend time and money to travel across the globe to just walk with you to the well and sing songs about the Lord with you? imagine the value that you would begin to feel again. imagine starting to see how big God's love is for you, that he provide this team of strangers to love you and hug on you and tell you stories about God,... not just through their lessons in the classroom but also in the way they behave toward you and seem to just love you no matter why you have been rejected in the past? imagine.

and as i was just starting to get this into my big fat head, i was hearkened back to a sermon my dad preached when i was a child, it was titled "love is spelled t-i-m-e".

so, i am beginning to learn the value of time, and i pray i will become generous with it.

the girls that i connected so well with were about high school age [jon ewton if you are looking to multiply FUEL and add another campus, i have some suggestions]. they kept asking for me to sing songs and to write them in their notebooks we gave them.

i had sang every song i could think of and at the bottom of my song reservoir, upon more requests for a new one, all i could come up with was the one that goes.

oo ee oo ah ah
ting tang walla walla bing bang

they loved it. and wanted me to sing it for them over and over, while they tried to sing it as well, and count the words on their hands. i jokingly asked them what it meant and they stared at me. i told them the words were just sounds and didn't mean anything.

and so, it appears i traveled across the globe to pour my heart and time into these kids to teach them a song about nothing.

uganda, day 10

breakfast and then down to the chapel for worship in song, scripture readings, a message, and encouragements from whomever wishes to speak.

we had thought that a few days prior we would be offering an encouragement to the kids, so i had something prepared in my other notebook. at the last minute, i'd torn it out and taken it with me to church. i'm glad i did, for my dear husband, when he moved to the front of the room to speak into the children's hearts, he called me up with him.

"trace and i don't have any kids at home," jon said, "but when we leave here, we will have 67 children." the kids and teachers smiled and applauded. jon got choked up. i almost lost it.

i opened my notes and informed the children that jon and i had written a blessing for them. as headmaster richard translated, i read,

grace, mercy and peace
from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord

we want to say to you that wherever you are that God is with you
we want to say to you that whatever you do the Father will give you power and strength
we want to say to you that whoever you befriend to preach the gospel

in the morning when your eyes open praise His holy name
in the evening when your head is set to rest give all the glory to God
in all that you do and through the day love the Lord your God

and we want to say to you that our Father in heaven knows you. he knows your name. and he loves with a love that has no end.

grace be with you.

it really was all i could do not to cry. but i made it!!

after services, any many more hugs and kisses and lovin's, the kids went back up to the change their clothes and prepare to leave. two vans had arrived and we still awaited a third.

we went up to send them off with embraces and smiles and songs. our hearts were torn in two on the inside, but on the outside we tried our best to conceal it. hugging and singing and holding hands, we waited for everything to be loaded and the kids to be piled into the vans, like sardines in a can. a sweltering can.

i held little nancy's hand and many many other's. as vicky reached for my hand, i saw tears forming in her eyes. this young lady, who at the beginning of our time at the village would barely speak or even look at us, was so sad to leave that she went against everything she was taught to survive and teared up. oh how sweet and fragrant those tears! for they not only meant sadness to leave the village, and perhaps sadness to leave new friends, but also openness, healing, passion, feeling, a part of her coming back to life after so much horror and fright from the LRA. those tears meant a new beginning, a new kind of life where she can have thoughts and feelings of her own and have that be ok.

it was time for them to go and we watched the vans leave the village carrying with them our hearts with these children. "take care of them, Father. they are precious."

once the vans were out of sight, i turned to debbie and we hugged. some tears came out, and i almost broke down. but i didn't. it was all i could do to maintain my composure.

but i knew God was with them. they were even singing praises to him, squished together in the van... they just sang! a few days prior during one of their morning prayer times, a few of us on our team that were present got to say a few words to the kids. i told them that the 'salvation bracelets' we made together weren't just for them to remember their journey in Christ, but was also for them to share with others. that they could use them to tell others about how to find Jesus Christ and about how he has saved them and pours his love out to them and that anyone could have this saving and loving.

and so it wasn't just children in that van heading out for three weeks to wherever home can possibly be for an orphan, but that they were also disciples of Jesus and they were being sent to spread the good news of the gospel to all who has ears to hear. how precious are their feet who carry such good news!

God speed, sweet children. my prayers pour over you!

uganda, day 9

prayers. singing. laughing. bonding. loving. giving. being.

the children are my heart's delight and i seek to fill every moment of my day with their hugs and smiles and closeness.

with rose's direction we fill food bags for each child to take home with them during their school holiday. the bags contain rice, beans, flour and sugar.

we work tirelessly as it is our joy to provide for these children in whatever we can.

i join some of the gals in the chapel for worship rehearsal. the children get to choose the songs and determine which order they will be in. it is amazing to watch the unity and giving nature of these kids.

then we practice the songs and i learn some of their acholi lyrics. ipore rwot ipore - the Lord is worthy, worthy of praise! in keni, yesu, in keni - you are the one, true God.

the kids gather at our camp and we pose for photos and then look at them, pose, look, pose, look. i'm just enjoying being surrounded by the children. their openness to each of us is unequaled as of yet in my lifetime.

goodnights, hugs, kisses. for tomorrow is church. and tomorrow is the day they return to the camps or relatives for a 3 week holiday from school. the difficulty of this transition is apparent on some of their faces, regardless of their attempts at brevity.

uganda, day 8

end of school term ceremonies

headmaster richard, teachers, nurse and dave spoke words of encouragement to the children, with sidenotes of thanks to us.

then the kids danced, judith took me to dance the one dance that cindy likes so much. it is a bonding dance between two women friends.

jon also did a dance. judith selected him as her husband and he indicated he was pleased with her dance. i believe he is married now. heeh.

the kids got to drink a soda and have a package of bisquits (cookies). what little they have!!

they honored us with big chairs and getting served refreshments first (thank you joyce and vicky).

we believed that the children would not be having prayer that night, but really the case was that they wouldn't be having it at the schoolhouse. i was almost in bed when i heard children's voices. i went outside to hear it better, standing in my pj's. amy asked if i wanted to go to the kids houses and sit outside and listen to them. YES!!

we walked up and sat on the edge of the first porch we came to. we saw boys playing in the dark. one of them tried to scare us. hah. then two figures meandered near. "you are welcome," i said and my dear nancy approached. in the barely audible voice that i've come to know and love, i was invited to prayer.

it was muggy and barely lit in the room. only one oil lantern. but the room was filled to overflowing with children. no mats, no honorable seats for the visitors, just all of us jumping, singing, praising, praying.

a voice during prayer was growling and dark, it was earnest and as loud as i've ever heard their voices get. was this my nancy? with the voice so gentle i have to put my ear to her mouth to hear? was this her, crying out to God with the pain in her voice practically visible in that dim room?

ended prayers with "we are one family", many hugs and kisses and goodnights and tomorrows.

uganda, day 7

the days begin to blend. i've stopped referring to days by dates but rather by an event that happens within it.

cindy led the devotional this morning. what she has done for these children is nothing short of a miracle. how does she leave each time?

stella and some others came to her hut to say goodbye. or rather to appeal to her to come back sooner than the 5 weeks she had already communicated. "1 week" is all stella would say. aside from "i miss you."

after program, the kids went back for lunch. i meandered over there myself after eating lunch with the team.

watched gloria iron for a while. patricia sitting patiently by as she waited for her turn.

some of the older girls were taking jugs to the well and took my hand as they went by. so... uh... i went. we sang walking there - them wanting to learn our songs. once there, we stood under a tree while the younger kids drew water and filled the jugs.

they made a place for me to sit (always thinking of others!) and asked for a story and for me to teach them more songs. they quizzed me on acholi words and taught me on their songs. i loved it! they made me sing it by myself.

they sang to me and called me mama trace. i, of course, being ever the stoic, cried.

"don't cry," i heard from the gentlest voices.

then i happened upon a winning song that i pulled from the recesses of my brain as i was fresh out of ideas. they absolutely loved it, singing it over and over, and counting the words on their fingers.

oo ee oo ah ah
ting tang walla walla bing bang
oo ee oo ah ah
ting tang walla walla bing bang

it was wonderful to connect with these older girls.

earlier when a group of us were sitting in a circle on the grass, they wanted a story. i told them about meeting jon. but then i also told them about my dad baptizing me but that now he is in heaven. i cried. i think perhaps that softened their hearts to me.

one or two of them would walk holding my hand as we returned to their houses. after that afternoon, we were often found walking together.

after lunch the kids said goodbye to cindy, chris and maddie.

uganda, day 6

awoke at first light, took my journal close to the kid's rooms. heard them singing about what is to be found in the blood of the Lord: wisdom, knowledge, healing, power, forgiveness, protection, praise, care, cleanses.

went over to one of the houses and sat in the back where the 'stove' is. talked with the house mom and some of the kids. they were teaching me more words.

a rooster cock-a-doodle-do'ed right behind me making me jump a little. i turned around and said to it, "i como ber." they laughed at me. i will probably be forever remembered as the white girl who says good morning to roosters.

later i was singing with the kids. i was trying to learn their songs, but they kept interrupting with the jungle song. fine. we'll sing the jungle song. over and over and over again.

then they went into school and we ventured to the nile and got 3 canoes to take all of us across and back.

at one point in the back of the truck, i saw a field full of papyrus plants.

little kids running, smiling, waving just for us. one little boy ran and waved with both hands. too bad he needed one of those hands to keep his pants up. oops.

lots of time in the classroom. taught about being born again. made butterflies.

nancy is so gentle - they all are! but she is quieter than most. her look finds me at every turn and i am a moth to her flame.

they all ask us to write notes or our names or song lyrics in their notebooks. i must be ready to write a lot tomorrow. listening to david crowder band in preparation.

bought some tie dye and asunta tied one of them on my head.

also, tonight we danced. robert owns me as he now has footage of me picking out an african husband.

i also danced with judith, my african sister. she knows amazing grace. i think i'd like to send her a hymnal.

singing prayers and then hugging and kissing and saying goodnight over and over is fabulous. i am theirs!

uganda, day 5

the sound of their prayers - buzzing, alighting the air, en masse, i wonder how it smells to God?

their sincerity in worship is a big, fat lesson to us comfortable christians for their hearts are poured out and surrendered to Christ. it is what they can cling to.

the kids loved looking at my photos. one of them wanted the book but i told her she could have one. others took one as well.

our ESL/crafts felt scattered, but they enjoyed it. especially the jungle song.

at prayer again. ah-maz-ing. their worship is true, heartfelt, real, raw, from their depth.

more hugs and goodnights.

uganda, day 4

on the drive to village of hope, we stopped so rose could buy some chickens. that woman was in command! they loaded several live chickens into a box and put the box on the roof of the van. and we toted those chickens to the village to be used for dinner.

finally, we make it to the village. finally here.

the kids are in school when we arrive so we get into our huts, get a brief tour of the grounds and have lunch. the children walked through the camp on the way up to their houses. we shook hands and smiled.

they changed out of their uniforms and we joined them on the playing field. most boys played football. most girls blew bubbles we brought.

eventually we started a game of ball - when we threw it to someone we had to say their name. a great way to learn their names... repetition!

brenda picked up on our names right away!

then a game of football started and we had to move to the side. a bunch of us just sat in the grass beyond one of the goals. all the other gals on my team have wonderfully braidable hair. so while they were undergoing their salon styling, i sat looking on. until finally i heard this gentle whisper voice. "oom"

little nancy had settled beside me and decided to start teaching me acholi. i was left unbraided, but pelted with acholi words. and i loved it!

they would laugh at me saying the word for neck. it wasn't until the very last day when i finally received the nod indicating i'd said it right.

vicky knew a lot of english.

it grew dark and we shook hands to say goodnight. the kids went up to their houses and we gathered around a campfire for dinner and to share stories.

later the kids began to tromp down again to the schoolhouse for evening prayer. cindy let us go with them.

in the classroom, we helped them read english, they taught us acholi. then they prayed. or sang. or both. it's the same thing!!

"i will no more suffer"

we got to introduce ourselves and point to our state on the U.S. map. they blessed us and welcomed us.

then we sang. it was a song we would sing at the end of every prayer time together, "we are one family, we are one family, we are one family, in Jesus' name."

this time we got some hugs instead of just handshakes. we walked back to the camp singing that song. i am pretty sure i fell asleep with a smile on my face.

uganda, day 3

sunday. we attended an english-speaking african church. found out later that the pastor is rose's cousin. seriously, who isn't related to rose?

after the message one of the elders got up and talked about how ugandans need to lift up uganda and that they were born ugandan for a reason and to step up and do what they can to make their country better. it dawned on me... if they are ugandan for a reason... i am american for a reason.

we got to take communion!! usually it falls on the first sunday of the month but for some reason they couldn't do it the week before. that was a treat getting to participate in that.

lunch was fish fillet with chips. amy thought her chicken tasted weird until she remembered she ordered fish. debbie blessed all of us during lunch with one thing she liked about each of us. neat.

changed out of our sunday clothes and went to another camp. this time i laid eyes on and absolutely fell in love with a girl in a turquoise dress. held some children. Father, let me love them as you do.

a woman interrupted our singing, running over yelling and dancing, hugging or shaking hands with us. the kids all laughed and eventually she was gently led away. she had been formerly abducted and her mouth had been cut leaving her with severe scars. they had also given her aids.

what do i do with that if i can't change it? how do i respond?

cuddled with many children.

leaving the camps gets harder and harder.

once back, those playing volleyball left. us ladies walked, shopped, bonded. we bought an avocado. the girl in the stall where we bought it kept giggling. i wonder if it was all she could manage in light of these muzungas buying fruit from her.

at dinner i could barely eat. my full heart became so big it squished my stomach into a tiny corner of me so that i could only put a few morsels in.

i journaled for a bit instead. tomorrow we go to the village of hope land.

a prayer...

my hands are so small but what they can do, may it be done in service of the one who made them and gave them their purpose.

please may i be an agent of change. may i help? may i?

i don't want to come here to be entertained or coddled, but may i carry God's love, God's truth and hope to those who are without it.

everything i am, all i'm from and am about, may it be used to its full for the kingdom of my Father.

whether i'm called american, woman, white, christian, bookworm, techie, weepy. one small girl.

may it all be used.

how do i fit into this mysterious puzzle, this challenge called uganda? what is my place with acholi children - dear orphans? they don't need some muzunga who's particular about her hair. they need safety and truth. protection. a future. parents. love.

they need God among them.

can i really be used to make that happen? is there a place for me in that puzzle? is it prayer? funding? or time, self, energy, relationship? is that in the picture?

how? what do you, Father, what from me? call me!! i will give it.

draw my spirit into you. let me abide in you, for that is my resting place. that is the source of my strength, my brevity, my call, my heart, my life.

who am i but your servant, Lord? call me. use me. claim me.

that girl - the one in the turquoise dress - she seized me. i am drawn into her and want with a kind of desperation her joy, her childhood, her success. may she know she is special and loved and unique and dear. may she look to you and say, you bless me with your love. you are the giver of life and all things good. it is you and you alone that sends kindness into the world. may she be captured by you, hope-fully devoted to you! give her you, Lord, all of you.

may the village of hope kids recognize your love in our smiles, your sacrifice and strength in our presence and embrace. may they see you in their presence through our goofy attempts to care and relate. may you and you alone receive the glory, the fame, the accolades.

guide my steps, my Father, teach me your voice, light each step.

i am yours, to do with and use as you wish.

uganda, day 2

staying at the hotel florida in gulu.

breakfast was a spanish omlette (if you ordered your eggs scrambled you didn't get served... right renee?), toast w/butter and jam, fresh banana, coffee and passion fruit juice.

the shower was a warm drizzle. but it was warm! it wasn't a separate little room like we are used to. it was simply a pipe along the wall of the small bathroom, then piped halfway across the ceiling and there was the shower head. the bathroom was the shower.

we had devotion as a team then loaded into the van. this time we had rose, asunta, jeff and charles, our skilled and fearless driver who literally crafted us into the first camp. we learned later that this camp was the only one where the village of hope beads are made.

as soon as the van door opened, connor and careenna were off playing with kids. they were just... gone.

on a tarp under a tree sat some older children beading necklaces. these were the village of hope kids. the camps contain all kinds of people, but only specific ones are cared for under the village of hope organization. rose is the one who finds the children, orphaned and usually a former abductee of the LRA. in some camps you could tell the difference between them and the others, by their countenance, their cleanliness.

feeling shy and unsure, i took off my flip flops and sit on the tarp next to a gal of about 14. her name is janet. quietly, she hands me a strand of the necklace she is making and shows me how to bead. before we left that day, we had made three necklaces together.

someone remarked how well the kids worked together and rose said it was because we were there. hmm... some things are global, i guess.

we asked their names and ages, but while answers were given, many ages are really unknown as are birthdates.

after a while, the kids gathered and sang to us. normally there are drums to accompany them but the kids with the drums were at a celebration so were unable to join us and provide a beat.

after their wonderful performance, we got up and sang two of our songs and introduced ourselves. rose had them repeat our names. she is so very good with the children.

mindee had found a friend that day - a baby girl with no diaper. she remained cradled in mindee's arms nearly the whole time we were there and cried when we left.

as soon as we boarded the van rose passed out a snack for all of us - a bag of potato crisps. as we pulled away, kids followed us out, smiling, waving, holding out their hand for our snack. asunta got onto them for asking for our food.

as we pulled away i felt like... i didn't do anything. i mean i listened and laughed and sat next to janet and made a point of saying goodbye to her. i gave them my time, but it didn't feel like enough.

headed to lunch at diana gardens. buffet style: rice, beans, mashed banana, posho, something that seemed like spinach but wasn't, potatoes. i had my second of what would turn out to be many stoneys. a ginger beer that i fell in love with.

before eating, i washed my hands. there was a huge bucket with a spigot at the bottom and some soap sitting on the top of it. that would be the kind of 'sinks' we would use for the whole of the trip. other than the baby wipes and purell, of course.

after lunch we went to the place they do the tie dye. the fabrics were beautiful! we take off our shoes and enter. the tiny room had tarp over the floor. it was hot. the smell of the dye and of the sweat and heat mixed to a delicious, heady aroma.

the women worked with practically no words. they knew what to do, they knew how to work with and around one another, it could be done with only the slightest amount of communication. silent camaraderie. with babies tied to their backs they tie, band or wrap fabric. then they bring in the water they've boiled outside, pour it into shallow bowls that contain dye and some powder.

as we were leaving i saw a pile of seeds on the other end of the porch. it was sim sim (sesame) and they were left there to dry in the sun.

onto the next camp. we were greeted by the village of hope kids singing to us before we got out of the van. then they moved into the middle of the huts and sang and danced around drummers. asunta asked if we wanted to dance with them. why not? so we joined.

my neck didn't move like theirs did. asunta was behind me and kept saying, move your neck like this. i didn't know what like this was, but it apparently never made it over to me.

a few songs were performed in rows and we sat and watched. the team leader helped the kids. they did a whole presentation of songs, memory verses and a drama "God is with me."

then they sat while we performed our two songs, introduced ourselves and presented a bible story. then they danced more while we sat and watched them. a child sat in my lap. aww. :)

as we left, they shook our hands and bowed slightly. they kept waving and waving.

back at hotel florida, halft of us went with asunta to play volleyball (she is on a team and plays nightly). the rest of us (debbi, renee, chris, mindee and me) walked around gulu. we stopped in at the internet cafe but since the connection was very slow we opted to come back later.

sat outside the hotel for a while taking in the city, the smells, the sights, and journaled. it rained.

i mentioned to chris how i'd felt about not doing anything. she said that just us being there with a kid on my lap or singing to them was a blessing to them. i scratched my head. did not compute.

uganda, day 1

i knew i was going to love uganda before ever leaving the airport...

in entebbe. shared a room with careenna at the sophie motel. we both woke up very early but thought the other was asleep so remained respectfully quiet. i spent this time praying and thinking. around 5:30 we started talking, sharing, giggling.

i could hear others stirring in rooms near us, and then begin talking.

we heard a bird and i said "our first african songbird!" later i asked renee if she heard it and she said, you mean the rooster? when i said no she asked if i had heard her snoring. "no, renee, you are not the african songbird." LOL!

i confessed my meat-mares to careenna who cracked up over them. i learned that she sings in the shower. beautifully, i might add.

connor, careenna, amy, robert and i went out to look over the rooftop. we saw a baboon and named him phillip.

at breakfast i met a couple from london. the girl had spent 3 months away, 1 of which was spent volunteering at an orphanage. the guy had just come with her. he visited the orphanage with her one day and talked about how eye-opening it was. looking forward to the village where i hope my eyes are opened wide.

we met asunta. she was to become our 'guide' for the next few days. we got to talk on the ride to gulu and i learned that her given name was african for "God is not good." her parents had wanted a boy. girls cost their fathers money and she is the youngest of five of them. so her parents were disappointed to find that she was another girl. her christian name, asunta, comes from the word ascension. much better.

the van ride was long, taxing and marvelous! we passed villages and huts and many people. it seemed we were never alone along those roads, no matter how remote they felt.

i loved waving at the children and seeing their bright smiles.

i was pretty beat. most people slept leaned over onto the back of the seat in front of them, but i was in the jump seat so i dozed a little sitting up.

we stopped and had chicken and chips. well, i only had chips. :) at the market, mindee tried to buy razors and annoyed the cashier - apparently she was supposed to know how much they were. and connor tried to walk in with a bottle of water only to be asked to 'check it in' around the corner where he received a claim ticket to retrieve it when we were done shopping.

asunta offered to open our bottles of soda, which she did. with her teeth!

on the van ride we played "never have i ever." asunta won with "never have i ever used a camera," to which connor immediately responded by placing his own in her hands and instructing her to click it.

and i was introduced to what would be beverage of choice while i was there. a stoney. it's like a root beer, but made of ginger. mmmm!!

finally made it to gulu, our home for the next two nights.

at dinner we met rose. finally. rose! her sweet spirit radiated from her. dinner was delish: beans, rice, potatoes, posho, baby eggplant. yum!

later we went to an ice cream shop called cafe larem and met gus and heather from l.a. they also do some work for village of hope. what a blessing to meet others with a heart for the children. i enjoyed getting to know a little about them.