still seeking Him

so as not to leave you on a downer note.. i woke up this morning fresh as a daisy and enjoyed my daily reading from YouVersion.

i had an epiphany yesterday to read the bible online hoping the extra light from my laptop would help with the drowsiness. and also to utilize a program that has notes, comments, etc. so i could jot down my thoughts on certain passages as i went (we call that interactive, boys and girls).

know what? it really helped.

it did take me a few minutes to shake the cobwebs away, but once i did i really enjoyed my reading and i was able to think it through and actually have thoughts on it! yes! me! i thought! at 6am!

i think this was a do-over.

seeking Him

i've given up sleeping in for lent.

people go "huh?" when i say that, so i have a follow-up statement to clarify: i'm getting up early every morning to spend time in the Word.

i am (by nature?) a night owl. and i find that i operate optimally when i get about 8.5 hours of sleep. and my sweet spot for focus and creativity starts at about 2pm.

so.. how's this morning thing going?

train wreck.

but i've committed and i will see it through. i keep holding out hope that after two more weeks it will become easier, if not second nature.

it all boils down to the simple fact that i want to know God more. i yearn for Him. i want to spend time with Him. i want to read His word.. no, not just read it, but study it. i want my ears to listen as one being taught. i don't want to just read so i can check it off my list, i want it to affect me, to change me and to reveal my God to me.

so with this yearning in my heart i set out to do the near impossible: get up early.

i chose early because as i looked at my day i realized how incredibly difficult it is to switch into devotional mode at any point in my workday - even if i could physically excuse myself from my work area, it wasn't very easy to separate my thoughts from it, and once i'm home it is occupied and full of the people i want to spend time with for what's left of my day. not to mention how i want God to be the first part of every day. which brings me to the dreaded morning.

i set my coffee maker to have my coffee ready at 6am and set my trusty alarm. the first few days i was up right at 6am. since then it has shifted to me being out of bed between 6:20 and 6:40. i would move into my front room - a room i hardly spend any time in and don't really have any 'ties' to it. i would sit at the bench and read, trying to keep my eyes open, trying to maintain focus, and caught myself wondering aloud how people can function so soon after rising.

i've since moved into the living room, to feel that i am having coffee with God. the front room was impersonal and if i invited someone over i would not offer them a place in that room. it is the living room i would visit with them in. it felt more natural that way, but i don't like how open it is to the rest of the house. all the same, i will try it out a bit longer and see how it works.

but it seems that regardless of the location i am still having a lot of trouble keeping my eyes open to read. when i finish reading i try to think back on what i've read to ensure i am not passing my eyes over the words just to say i've read. i've been unhappy with the results. sometimes i cannot tell you what i've read at all, other times i can pull out some sections but the message may have been lost on me. i guess you can imagine how well i am "studying".

i've also been trying to memorize some verses and in the morning when i recite them i feel like i'm trying to recall through a fog, most times unsuccessful. but a few hours later in the shower or on my way to work i can recall them with ease. i wonder at that.

is this something i can overcome? or am i really just not a morning person? granted i've only done this for exactly one week, but i feel that i have not had one quality morning with Him in this week. i've read some. i've prayed some. but i am still so hungry for Him that i feel i've not truly fed.

i will continue because i made a commitment. and perhaps because i am hopeful that it will 'kick in'. but for now i'm disappointed, frustrated and very very tired.

throughout the week i have increasingly gained circles under my eyes. and yesterday jon remarked on my entire countenance dragging. this morning i was grateful that i actually got a full night's sleep last night, but i am still pretty wiped.

i'm at a loss.

this post is drenched in negativity. that bothers me. in my quest for knowing God more i am finding myself worse off than when i started. but perhaps it is merely the dark before the dawn.

ugh. dawn.

fish oil for the eyes

so i went to the eye doctor today and found out... [drum roll to build up the excitement and stall for suspense]... my eyes are good! but dry. very very dry.

he affirmed that the amount of money i put toward lasik was not wasted and that i had only a tiny amount of sight degradation and it was soley due to the (psst! come closer and i'll whisper this in your ear) aging process. other than that my eyes are great. no reading or driving glasses needed.

but my eyes are dry. i know this carries no shock value to those of you that have walked through the lasik process with me and watched me have to slather my eyes with goopity-mush-mush-gel-junk. for those of you that are unaware - i had to slather my eyes with goopity-mush-mush-gel-junk.

i was still taking restasis but was down to one drop in each eye per day. well i'm going back up to two a day. and the doc suggested taking an omega 3 oral supplement to help. apparently something in fish is good for keeping the orbs hydrated. well, ok, then. if it'll help, i'll try it.

i'm relieved it was nothing more than that. i would have been incredibly deflated to find out that everything i went through a year and a half ago was for nothing.

PHEW!!

sight for sore eyes

i had laser surgery a year and a half ago to correct my vision. there were a few minor hiccups in the process due to my excessively dry eyes, but nothing they didn't warn me about. and once everything finally got 'straightened out' (they had to do a lift-and-smooth because one of my corneal flaps wrinkled - i shudder at the memory) it was finally a delight to wake up in the mornings to a clear view of... everything!

i mean, i could really see! i didn't have to squint or focus hard - things were just right there - before my very eyes.

if you've ever needed glasses (and really needed them. not like what i tease my dot about: i tell him that looking through his glasses is like looking through a window) then you know what a dream it was to not have to futz with any of that stuff anymore. no more contacts or solutions, no more wiping (smearing) dirty lenses,.. none of that.

i could see! and oh it was wonderful. for days upon days after the surgery i would remark with awe, "i can't believe i can see". those little precious moments where i can recall being just giddy over my un-aided vision.

it was pure, unadulterated sight.

it was the blind man seeing.

it was the veil being removed.

it is going away.

yes, i am sad to report that the world is growing blurry again and i am on day 6 of a headache. now the headache could be due to the atmosphere - i get sinusitis so easily you could whisper the word in my general direction and it would flare up. and the blurriness could be due to dryness. i've been trying to lubricate my eyes - i use a dot of vasolinesque product in my eyes at night and a lighter gel drop during the day which is still more hefty than saline or wetting drops. but what if that's not it?

what if i spent all that money, time, and energy fixing my vision to just have it get worse again in 18 months? why on earth would i sink that many resources into something that brings me right back to where i was in the first place? it's a pointless, hopeless waste!

maybe it's my fault. i haven't had my eyes checked since i left the laser center. i should be taking much better care of these eyes that need to last me my lifetime. is it something i should have done differently? should i have been hydrating them more regularly (or at all)? should i stop staring at a computer screen for hours on end? do i need to eat more carrots?

***

remember when you became a christian? and it seemed like everything came suddenly and sharply to focus and you were giddy with delight over what was so clear to you now that hadn't been before?

remember how you noticed that you could see things for what they were.. that you saw situations or people or yourself through a different light?

remember the clarity, and the focus and how the veil was removed?

how're you doin' with that? still got that eagle eye? or have things blurred?

i think our spiritual vision requires maintenance and upkeep just as our physical vision does. maybe we require some hydration - living water that quenches eternal. maybe we need to give them a break - fasting from the good to make room for the best (do you need to tear your eyes away from email, facebook, and twitter for a day to reset your eyes on Him)? what about those carrots - you seeking nourishment? you can't see properly if you don't have your eyes fixed on Him. i'm just sayin'.

i've got an appointment with the eye doctor next week. a good ole checkup just to make sure things are hunkey dorey. you getting checkups? do you have someone keeping you accountable to what you allow to fill your mind and your heart through what you see? all day long we input input input. and as a result, whether we think about it or not, we process process process. and filter filter filter. who's making sure the processing and filtering are working? and that the input isn't taking in things it shouldn't? let's not wait to see what we output output output to determine if we're still in good shape.

oh that tongue of ours can get us into trouble - we know that - but that's our output mechanism. before it comes to that, i want to challenge all of you to 'be careful little eyes what you see' and to care for the vision we have lest we lose it to misuse or lack of.

ultimately - keep your eyes fixed on Him.

facebook frenzy and a little bit o' heaven

i tweeted in my sleep last night. now don't let your imagination get away with you - there were no resulting sounds or smells! - this was a twitter tweet. and i woke up thinking about social media.

as i pondered facebook and looked forward to connecting with friends and family again today, i was also yearning once more to know God better - to understand Him greater, to love Him deeper. and i giggled at a thought that struck me: i wanted to be a part of God's "news feed".

what if He were on facebook? He'd certainly befriend everyone. and He would delight over every post and poke that came His way, because they were from His dear ones. all of us His dear ones. we would get to read what's "on His mind" and receive messages from Him. and suddenly - i wanted nothing more than to befriend God on facebook. i wanted that intimacy that we can achieve with our friends and our families and those we have reconnected with after way too long. i wanted minute-by-minute updates on His status, i wanted to review and delight over our wall-to-walls.

and then another revelation hit me. we already have all that access to Him. and more! He has come to earth and bound himself in flesh and allowed that flesh to rip and tear and let loose the blood that saves this wretch. He gave me His word and as hard as we have tried.. His word cannot be broken. and oh how we tried. the shame of how we tried!

we have His spirit. His truth. we have His life - eternal eternal life!

i was delighting in this - spending the afternoon with Him. and while i reveled in His company (He joined me for coffee), i found another even greater joy!

i got to taste a little bit o' heaven.

i found through facebook, a dear, dear family member i had lost contact with. as soon as we reconnected - and it really was almost immediately - we began messaging and chatting and getting caught up. before i knew it i was crying and laughing out loud - just bursting with pleasure and giddiness. it was fabulous (it still is!). i simply couldn't type fast enough to share my life with him, and he me. when we finally parted with incredible difficulty so that he could get back to work, i began to twirl and slide across the floor in my stockinged feet (i simply don't care if that sounds old-fashioned. i am who i am), giggling and whooping. i was thanking God for this reunion and treasuring every memory it brought to me - holding them up to the light, examining them, and delighting in every exquisite detail. i was in the clouds.

and i realized - this is surely a tiny taste of what our heavenly reunion will be like. i imagined running up to friends, family, neighbors and holding them and looking them over and soaking in every bit of who they are and how very precious they are to me. and celebrating our lives - the past and the unfathomable future.

and then, i thought about finally getting to fall into my Maker's arms. oh what sheer delight just filled my soul. can you imagine it? my mind cannot wrap around this for fear of reducing it to an embarrassing blob of 'way-off-base'.

i will finally be home.

how i will rejoice that day. and i look forward to seeing all of you there. the grief of missing any one of you is simply too much. my heart cannot hold it. please come with me! if you don't know the way - i want to show you! or at the very very least, let me share with you how my life will never be the same because it belongs to Him now.

love to all of you.