seeking Him

i've given up sleeping in for lent.

people go "huh?" when i say that, so i have a follow-up statement to clarify: i'm getting up early every morning to spend time in the Word.

i am (by nature?) a night owl. and i find that i operate optimally when i get about 8.5 hours of sleep. and my sweet spot for focus and creativity starts at about 2pm.

so.. how's this morning thing going?

train wreck.

but i've committed and i will see it through. i keep holding out hope that after two more weeks it will become easier, if not second nature.

it all boils down to the simple fact that i want to know God more. i yearn for Him. i want to spend time with Him. i want to read His word.. no, not just read it, but study it. i want my ears to listen as one being taught. i don't want to just read so i can check it off my list, i want it to affect me, to change me and to reveal my God to me.

so with this yearning in my heart i set out to do the near impossible: get up early.

i chose early because as i looked at my day i realized how incredibly difficult it is to switch into devotional mode at any point in my workday - even if i could physically excuse myself from my work area, it wasn't very easy to separate my thoughts from it, and once i'm home it is occupied and full of the people i want to spend time with for what's left of my day. not to mention how i want God to be the first part of every day. which brings me to the dreaded morning.

i set my coffee maker to have my coffee ready at 6am and set my trusty alarm. the first few days i was up right at 6am. since then it has shifted to me being out of bed between 6:20 and 6:40. i would move into my front room - a room i hardly spend any time in and don't really have any 'ties' to it. i would sit at the bench and read, trying to keep my eyes open, trying to maintain focus, and caught myself wondering aloud how people can function so soon after rising.

i've since moved into the living room, to feel that i am having coffee with God. the front room was impersonal and if i invited someone over i would not offer them a place in that room. it is the living room i would visit with them in. it felt more natural that way, but i don't like how open it is to the rest of the house. all the same, i will try it out a bit longer and see how it works.

but it seems that regardless of the location i am still having a lot of trouble keeping my eyes open to read. when i finish reading i try to think back on what i've read to ensure i am not passing my eyes over the words just to say i've read. i've been unhappy with the results. sometimes i cannot tell you what i've read at all, other times i can pull out some sections but the message may have been lost on me. i guess you can imagine how well i am "studying".

i've also been trying to memorize some verses and in the morning when i recite them i feel like i'm trying to recall through a fog, most times unsuccessful. but a few hours later in the shower or on my way to work i can recall them with ease. i wonder at that.

is this something i can overcome? or am i really just not a morning person? granted i've only done this for exactly one week, but i feel that i have not had one quality morning with Him in this week. i've read some. i've prayed some. but i am still so hungry for Him that i feel i've not truly fed.

i will continue because i made a commitment. and perhaps because i am hopeful that it will 'kick in'. but for now i'm disappointed, frustrated and very very tired.

throughout the week i have increasingly gained circles under my eyes. and yesterday jon remarked on my entire countenance dragging. this morning i was grateful that i actually got a full night's sleep last night, but i am still pretty wiped.

i'm at a loss.

this post is drenched in negativity. that bothers me. in my quest for knowing God more i am finding myself worse off than when i started. but perhaps it is merely the dark before the dawn.

ugh. dawn.