a lot like christmas

i was rejoicing out loud to k2 that i had monday off (to recuperate from festival) and he said "yay! a four-day weekend!". and we had these huge smiles on our faces. then we looked at each other, focused, and i realized what he then said out loud, "wait - a one-day weekend!". my smile was not as big then.

but i still smiled.

this festival has put a lot of things in perspective for me. i haven't had time to buy gifts. i've declined several invitations to christmas parties. and i've had zero time to figure out what our christmas plans are.

but i have given a lot of my time away. i've invited a lot of people in the community to a church event. i've made free tickets available to people who need them. i've smiled at hundreds of people i don't know and wished them a merry christmas, a great program, or just given them kind attention. i've picked trash up off the floors and wiped soapy water off bathroom counters so people would have a clean church to visit. i've gotten a lot of volunteers involved in the festival, and thus benefiting our church and the community. i've contributed cookies to the bake sale where the proceeds go to 3e McKinney. i've moved furniture. i've stayed up late. i've prayed - no, CRIED out to God for this event to be a success in His eyes.

i've thought about the people coming and how much they just might need God. i've been concerned over how much time and energy other people have been spending and praying they will find rest and peace. i've looked outward instead of inward. i've labored in prayer over those who God is bringing to this event who may, for the very first time, experience God's love.

i've been about God and others.

i'd say it sounds a lot more like christmas than my christmas usually does.

cracking up

today in papa's office, we were having a very serious meeting regarding The Festival. when suddenly, out of nowhere. i laughed. it kind of peeped out. then another. and another! and the next thing i know i've got tear balls racing down my cheeks.

i think my body was releasing stress. i'd much rather do it that way than be having bad dreams.

the other night i dreamt that after the children's drama performance, the audience thought they'd be nice and help us out by stacking all of the chairs up by the walls. when i found out about it, they were done and i went flying in there trying to find someone to help me put the chairs back out yelling [you know, in the slow-mo way of dreams] "wee hhaaaavvve anooottther performance - get the chaaiiiirrrss back out!"

then i tried to get to my boss to tell him what happened so he could make an announcement in the other venue so they don't do the same thing. but i couldn't get to him very easily because we created an obstacle course through the hallway that led to the backstage area where he was. we did that to keep people from going back there. turns out, it was me that was trying to get through.

when i finally made it through and i told him what he needed to announce he asked me to write it in a note for him to take on stage w/him. so i wrote it out and then he acted like he wasn't sure he'd remember to LOOK at the note while on stage and wanted me to bring it out to him at the moment he needed to announce it.

i woke up in a dreadful state.

yeh. i think i'd rather have more laughing fits.

the quiet moments

this morning i got up a little early to peel yams and get them in the crockpot. my plan was to get it going and then head back to bed, but the quiet of the morning called to me and instead i sat down and went through some old entries in my writing blog and my bible study blog.

some of my favorites:
strangers in heaven - orangesque
the father lovs us - the orange bible
string of pearls - orangesque
my life is a dash - orangesque
beware - the orange bible

the sad truth is i haven't really written in a long while. i haven't taken the time to sit, think, ponder, and then lay it all out on a page. i love to use words as my palette with which i can paint an idea, a theme, or an entire landscape of thought.

i know there are seasons we live through and some are conducive to taking those quiet moments and creating, and some may not be. regardless, i need to take more quiet moments. i know that. but i usually choose to be lazy.

i miss the quiet moments. i need to remedy that.

show your work

in my dream last night i was in an algebra class and i got a test result back. i've always been good at math and my answers were 100%. but i got marked down because i didn't show my work. whut the heck?

i knew the answer. i didn't have to write it all out to figure out the answer. i just knew it. i did it fast and easy - i did what came naturally to me. and i was being penalized for not doing it the long way!

surely there has been some kind of research on people who don't need to write all the work down in order to arrive at an answer. in fact, showing my work always messed me up. i would get everything muddled in my head if i had to do it that way. so.. what does that way about me?

that is rhetorical. i'm pretty sure i don't really want to know the answer. ha ha.

btw - in my dream my regular teacher was out and my senior pastor was our substitute and he said he hates substituting in math classes because there really is no way to lecture on that stuff (another anti-show your work geek??) and so he gave us a 'free day'. and our tech intern sat right behind me in class.

far reaching

I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving.

i am a walking talking story of grace and i cannot celebrate thanksgiving without giving heartfelt thanks for God for reaching down into the depths of the pits i seemed bent on living in and saving me. how it is that i, of all people more qualified and more dignified, get to participate in kingdom work is usually completely beyond me. until i realize, once again, that the point is to give God the glory. so if He chooses one who simply cannot do it on their own, then it will be all more obvious that it is God's provision and hand doing the work. amen to that!! and praise Him for that, because it gives me hope that He will use me.

i am thankful today for the life God has given me. i pledge it to Him wholeheartedly and pray that He will do with it what He chooses. it is all His anyway! i may as well simply recognize it and act accordingly.

to the Maker, the Lover of my soul, to the Lord God on High, i praise You this day with a song in my heart, i magnify You in an overflow of thanksgiving.

a month of proverbs

i've been enthralled with proverbs before but usually i cannot get past the first few chapters. not that i stopped, just that i kept reading chapters one and two over and over. they.. well,... enthrall me.

when the boy told me a few weeks ago that he was pledging to read proverbs in a month (actually he wanted to read it through twice in a month) i was excited for him and relayed how much i enjoyed it and even pointed to something there that i found so interested that led me to "the power of the spoken word".

yesterday i followed up with him and asked how that reading was coming along. and he confessed that he had not done it. he will readily admit that he is lazy. oh man, do i ever get that. i invented the true meaning of that word!!

well anyway my passion for proverbs has been renewed and now i have committed to reading it through in a month (if i can only get past those precious first few chapters!!!).

and to enhance my journey, my dear sweet husband replaced my orange grippery goodness bible. "replaced?" you ask. yes. my first one was stolen. STOLEN!! a bible! hulloh! well, i figured, they must need it more than i if they are resorting to stealing it to obtain one.

the replacement was my birthday present into which i immediately scribed my name and contact info so that it may be returned if anyone happens upon it. (thou shalt not make the same mistake twice)

and so theorangebible.blogspot.com resumes.

---

wisdom
knowledge
understanding

i think i love these passages because it deals with matters i have held so dear throughout my life. i've always placed a (probably unhealthy?) value on intellect - madly desiring to be viewed as intelligent, rather than promoted for looks. i remember flinching when my dad used to tell people how 'cute' i was, while never once indicating that i was a smart girl. and so i spent a good part of my life thirsting - no, lusting - to be recognized for my intelligence.

well, God says, you want wisdom? you wanna be a smart girl? here it is - wisdom 101 bundled right inside My Word. proverbs.

and you know, not once in proverbs does it say the wise shall be promoted for their wisdom, the smart shall be recognized as so.

seek wisdom and you shall find it. seek recognition... !? well, you get the idea.

proverbs 1:7 says

the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction

i love this. i love it because the course my life has taken in the past few months has been challenging and painful. but in an incredibly good way and i would never ever take it back if i could. but through the hard stuff, i still wanted to press on and keep taking what God was doling out knowing it was for my good. and i desperately sought his instruction.

could it be, then, that after all i fouled up, i am not a fool? that i am just a girl who had her eyes on herself all the while truly desiring to have her eyes fully on God? and that the past few months have been the result of those eyes beginning to shift upward?

it was hard. but i still desired wisdom and instruction. oh, praise Him, there continues to be hope for me.

but whoever listens to me will dwell secure
and will be at ease, without dread of disaster

i know that whatever comes my way is for good, for instruction and training. i know that true disaster will never befall me (for the only true disaster is separation from my God for whom i yearn). i can lose limbs, lose family, lose my appetite but i shall never, no not ever, lose my Father in heaven. this buoys me.

in my quest for knowledge may i remain faithful to the teachings laid out for us. and may i praise Him all of my days for giving me life and love and all the Word i need for a life well lived according to Him in glory.

Praise the LORD! Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens!

Praise him for his mighty deeds; praise him according to his excellent greatness!

Praise him with trumpet sound; praise him with lute and harp!

Praise him with tambourine and dance; praise him with strings and pipe!

Praise him with sounding cymbals; praise him with loud clashing cymbals!

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD! Praise the LORD!

i noticed this started out about wisdom and ended up in praise. isn't that the way it should be? isn't that the outpouring of what we are wise to? the more we learn of our Lord, the more we are heart-bent on praising Him.

go check this song out on iTunes.. it's one of my all-time favs: o praise Him

and here is the video from youtube:

charletains on the home page

so here i am utilizing youtube because we are somewhat limited right now in how we can present videos on our website. and we have this really awesome video that 'advertises' our upcoming series called purity in a polluted world.

so here's this video sitting on our front page of the website for all the world to see, or at the very least visible to the congregation i attend, my fellow staffers, and my senior pastor. and after this great, cool, clean video draws to an end, up pops these 'related' videos. which weren't that great or cool or even related. and were the very antithesis of clean.

suffice it to say they are part of the polluted world out of which we need purity.

i got a call from my communications director and jumped online to get something on the front page while i sought a solution. after scouring the community help pages, there it was - six blessed characters that would keep me from getting a phone call from the pastor's wife: &rel=0

it means after the video plays, it will not search for any 'related' videos.

muuuuuuch better.

i love you &rel=0. you keep me out of trouble, sane, and pure in a polluted world. i think i might hug you.

a cup for flowers

i was at a friend's house last friday getting caught up on each other's lives. her kids were outside playing and her daughter came in asking if she could get a cup. we asked what it was for and she said she wanted to collect flowers in it. so my friend got up to get one for her. and her daughter's face widened and brightened into a ginormous smile, she jumped up and down, clapped her hands and said "a cup for flowers - yay!!" when it was placed into her hands she ran out the door, giddy with delight.

my friend and i looked at each other and together said, "wow".

a cup for flowers. that is all her daughter wanted. and she started to celebrate right in front of us when she realized she would get it.

we talked about that for a while because it really moved us. we forget to celebrate the little things. we've lost our delight over the simple. and all it took was a child, ferocious at play, to remind us of it.

i want to be a person who isn't so busy, or isn't so consumed with business, or who doesn't have the time to stop and smell the cup of flowers. i want to catch the excitement over something i've chalked up to mundane. i want to feel alive over the seemingly insignificant things of God's creation.

i have a feeling that when we truly put God first, the lens He provides for us to look through captures this stuff. our hearts are more in tune with the pleasures that are all around us that we've lost sight of.

i want to fill up a cup with flowers and marvel at how fun it is and how pretty they are and how something so simple can be so delightful. and i want to remember how God has a purpose for even those little flowers, and how much more of a purpose He may have for those of us He calls His own children.

a cup for flowers - yay!!

the seat of faith

on monday, in lieu of our staff meeting and potluck, we went on a prayer tour. at 11:15 we loaded onto a yellow school bus with our sack lunches, found our seats and settled in with our 3eMcKinney prayer tour booklet that took us through some tough areas of mckinney as well as highlighted some great programs that are in place to serve those less fortunate than ourselves. the booklet also described different ways of taking the prayer tour - we were in for the drive-by-prayer adventure.

we listened to larry (3e's exec director) narrate our trip, as we bumped along through parts of mckinney i had never seen, in fact didn't even know existed. it was eye-opening to see what happens right under our noses and yet escape our attention every day.

it was an incredible opportunity to learn more about as well as pray for our community. it made me want to step it up in service because i believe in all the things 3e and other organizations are trying to do to help.

when we stopped to let one our staff out for a bathroom run (i will not squeal on her by giving up a name!! and besides when we stopped quite a few others took advantage of bathroom availability) i snapped a photo of the rest of us.

the really cool thing was that i noticed there were names above all the seats and so of course i immediately turned to see what name was over mine. it was faith. and it dawned on me, "i'm in the seat of faith".

my friend chris snapped a photo of me holding up my prayer book next to faith's name.





while we are in the middle of our series on faith, it was a great reminder that having the kind of faith you read about in hebrews 11, is the same kind of faith i can have. those are ordinary people, and so am i. extraordinary faith is possible for even me.

i love that God brought that to my attention and that He wants me in the seat of faith.

the joys of parenting

the boy has been lying.

at first we learned it was little things, like the fact that he hadn't been to a scheduled appointment because his dad didn't make it back in town on time (after leading us to believe that he had gone). or that he was going somewhere with us when he really wasn't.

but then it was a bigger thing. like when i asked him if his dad knew of a very important upcoming event in his life. he said yes. but his dad didn't know.

and then the biggest thing. his counselor told him to be platonic in a relationship and he failed to communicate that to the girl.

we had dinner with his parents tonight to get some facts straight and to determine what the punitive response would be. we've taken away his cell phone and computer for a week (at least) for now. in addition, he will soon find that he will not be attending the said above event because he tried to play us and make us all think he was going with the others.

when we talked to him tonight after picking him up after our dinner, he at first tried to defend himself. but it was obvious that he had chosen half-truths at best, and flat out lies at worst. i like to think he felt remorse over the dishonesty.

and there were tears.

it kills me that he is struggling so much. especially when a good part of the struggle is him trying to keep himself from opening up. i can tell he is just bursting with stuff, but he still won't talk.

i gave him a chance tonight. i kept the window of opportunity open for quite a while, but he stuck to the decision not to talk and insisted he was satisfied with that decision. so i closed the window.

but now i am praying that the Lord, if indeed He is prompting him to take that next step, to open up to us, that He would fill the boy with discontent and not let him find a moment of comfort or rest until He is obedient to the Spirit's prompting.

it's so easy to see from my standpoint how easy it is to take that step, and yet i remember struggling with doing things outside my comfort zone as a teenager, too. it's dang hard!! i just pray i can help him and follow God's call as i continue to care for him.

may my dot and i both be an example to the boy, and may we move closer to God, seek Him and all His ways, and be obedient to whatever He would have us do in this situation.

i sure do love that kid. i hope he starts to feel that.

the day after the day after

today was better. so so much better. my range of motion in my neck has increased dramatically! i don't have to rely on peripheral vision just to look at someone when they're talking to me. and i slept so good and hard today. i guess i needed it. :)

i didn't take any meds today except some major ibuprofen first thing this morning. i wanted to see how bad off i really was and am surprised by how much better i really am already! i attribute it fully to God's response to the many prayers of my friends and family. aren't they awesome??

my neck and chest are still sore, and it makes swallowing feel 'heavy' and sore. i did still put ice on my knee-knots but even those have gone down and the bruise on my hip from my safety belt buckle is not hindering me from laying on that side.

the rest of me just feels like i worked out way too hard 2 days ago. which, well, i guess i DID!

we still don't know if my car is salvageable, but either way i'm not real concerned. i know God is going to protect us and care for us, even if things don't go "our way", so how can i even get a notion of gripe in with that truth wrapping itself around me?

and tonight one of our dear friends is bringing us subway. while it isn't at all necessary, it is blessedly and graciously accepted and makes me realize once again how much i have. friends wow me. and i know it is the love of God that propels them to do these seemingly simple things that amount to way more on my end than they could fully know.

as my body heals, i am quite overcome and overwhelmed with how much is in His hands and how much i don't want it in mine.

there is nothing monotonous about this chaos!

ok people, here's how it went down:

i was driving home from work with k2 in the car.. it was a little after 7pm i think and we were slowing down to a line of folks stopped at a light. there was a blue car behind us that i could see from the rear view mirror wasn't slowing down quickly enough. i had a feeling he was going to hit us. the oncoming traffic lane was empty so i took advantage of that and turned the wheels to the left and was going to head there to avoid getting hit, but he hit us anyway.

i didn't clear the car in front of us, but i did lessen the impact quite a bit. the front passenger side wheel on my car is crunched up underneath (along with some other fun problems my car took on for me - thank you, meg!!), and it had to get towed. we'll find out if it is fixable or not.

the blue car knocked us about 30-some odd feet forward in the empty lane so that we ended up in front of the car that was in front of us! and i think they got hit twice - by us and by the guy behind us. then they knocked the truck in front of them. four vehicles involved. crazy!

the car in front of us had a couple in the front seat. the lady was really crying and i asked if they were okay and just got a shell-shocked affirmative nod. they also had a kid in the back. they stayed in the car until the paramedics strapped them to boards and loaded them in the ambulance... all three of them! and the kid must've been pretty young because it looked like it was in an infant chair on the board. :(

the guy behind us eventually staggered out of his car and had his head down and his hand on his face or nose. not sure if he just had a headache or a bloody nose or a broken nose or what. he ended up getting strapped to a board and loaded into an ambulance, too.

the guy in the truck pulled over onto the side of the road and got out. k2 and i got out, too, but we couldn't move the car with the wheel all torn up and crunched. but at least we were out and okay.

very soon we had a police car, a police cruiser, 2 fire trucks and i think 2 ambulance on the scene. they responded very quickly to the guy in the truck's phone call. thank you community servants!!

i called jon as soon as it happened and he pretty much left work immediately. when he arrived he helped take care of where my car would be towed and some stuff which was relieving because by then i had felt a little woozy and i sat down on the curb. 2 of the paramedics helped me to jon's car, turned his a/c on for me and rolled up the windows and shut the doors. i almost teared up at their kindness and was so grateful they had come to our 'rescue'.

my neck was getting pretty stiff and the soreness was starting to travel down my neck/back. jon took k2 and me to his hospital where they checked us thoroughly for injuries. k2 is totally fine (praise the Lord!!).

me? i'm pretty sore/stiff in the neck. my knees have knots under them where my legs hit the underside of the dash like a little rag doll. they're gonna be pretty shades of purple in a few days i think. jon and i were joking about them being so big they looked like another knee. and i've got soreness in my chest from my shoulder harness. on my right hip is a purple bruise from the safety belt buckle. and even my jaws and arms are sore, i guess from tightening up.

but - all in all, i am in good condition and so very blessed to not have been taken to the hospital on a board!

i'm grateful for everyone who is praying for me and who has offered to help out in any way. i have some great friends and awesome coworkers and an amazing family. there have been moments where i am overwhelmed with relief for how things have played out. and other moments where my heart sinks at the thought of anyone else being hurt. and through it all, it is evident that God is in control and He holds the universe in His hand, and yet He still loves me. a God like that, loving a person like this. i don't deserve it. but i'll take it!

banana pudding

happy birfday dad.

i miss you. i love you. i cannot wait to see you again.

the Father loves us

one of our favorite verses in the bible is john 3:16

for God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life

wow! what a statement! and what a promise!

God loves us. and He so loves us that He gave up His son for us. and, again, so much so we could have life eternal.

God loves us.

i was reading in john 14 this morning, about Jesus trying to tell the disciples that He is leaving and explaining to them about the Spirit coming to be with them. it's heady stuff. at least for this little girl.

verse 31 captured me. it says

but I do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father. Rise, let us go from here.

it's not as popular as john 3:16. it isn't even really taught that much. this is probably the first time i've ever really studied it. and then i wondered why.

it's so much more fun to think of 3:16 - God so loved the world, than it is to think of 14:31 - so that the world may know I love the Father. because Jesus loving the Father has nothing to do with,.. well.. us! i mean it does, when you get all theologicalness about it, but it doesn't specifically relate itself to us, the reader, now does it?

it's huge, though. it's incredibly important because it tells us why on earth Jesus Christ, God Himself incarnate, would submit Himself to death at the hand of satan when He could squash him like a little insignificant mite. but He doesn't. why? the verse tells us - He loves the Father. and it is so important that the world know that, apparently, because He goes through with the crucifixion so they will know that He loves Him.

there's this incredible cycle of love and displaying of that love that happens in the human life of Jesus. He is given to the world out of the Father's love for the world, He dies for the world out of His love for the Father. one shouldn't stop at the first verse because the next one completes the cycle and explains oh so much. and if He does this so the world may know He loves the Father - why aren't we telling them? if it's that important that they know,.. why aren't we doing our part to inform them?

i have an idea why. do you want to hear it?

seems we're too wrapped up in our own selves - and keep wanting to hear how much God loves us, that we don't want to scroll past the verse that reminds us of it. we want it to be about us. we want the whole message of Christ and saving us from being forever separated from God the Father,.. to be about us. and being loved. by God.

we want to feel lovable, we want to know we're loved, we want to be loved. we want to hear how we are loved, and we want to reach out for that love.

get over ourselves!!

it's about Him, all of Him, the truth of Him, the reality of Him, the foreverness and perfectness of Him. can we just unwrap us from ourselves and fall at His feet? huh? can we?

and if it's important enough for the world to know of Jesus' love of the Father that He would obey Him to His death, then we need to be getting that word out, too. the gospel is a story of love. but it isn't just us being loved that the gospel is all about. it's also about the Father being so fully worthy of love that His own Son - God, also, mind you - loves Him to such degree that He would submit to death in order to display it for all the world.

it's one thing to have someone die for me out of love for me. it's quite telling and an insanely different story to have someone die for me out of love for someone else. WOW - it blows my mind!!

i think like a vegetarian

this morning i was checking emails on my phone - you can only see a certain amount of the subject line due to space on my phone's screen. i occasionally get recipes from kalyn's kitchen. when i saw the email from her site today, all i could see of the subject line was "sauteed chick" and i thought to myself, 'i've never heard of sauteed chickpeas'. and then i thought, 'but they'd probably be pretty good.'

i opened the email to find it was really a recipe for sauteed chicken breast.

never dawned on me.

the safety of my home

we're studying luke right now in the series called 'the heart of the matter'. this past week's lesson talked about the widow's gift to God - which was simply two small coins but was all she had to live on. and one of the discussion questions was about what we are doing to help people in need, and what would God say about what we are doing?

and it got me to thinking about how i am such a homebody. i like being home. home makes me happy. when i am away from home i miss it. i miss my cats, i miss the familiar surroundings, i yearn to return.

so when i give, it is usually out of the comfort of my home that i give.

it's like this: we tithe. it has been our joy to be able to give back to God what is His and we recognize that He has carried us through an immensely stressful financial period of our lives, and continues to do so. what right do we have to keep any money that is His? so we tithe. probably not enough, according to the widow's mite.

we also want to give an offering to a ministry jon is heavily involved in. that is over and above our tithe, we feel appropriately so.

and we are willing to open our home to someone who needs it - someone who cannot stay in their own home right now. we've prayed about fostering for some time now, and we feel this situation is something God's been preparing us for and that we should step up, so we've offered our home and we are simply going to wait in obedience for confirmation that it will happen.

but giving money and offering our home is still within our comfort zone.

someone might look at me and say - are you crazy? inviting a teenager that isn't family into your home? your whole home life will be turned upside down.

true. but i'm still home. this is my refuge, my place i find solace. how much of a sacrifice is it, then, if i am still home?

maybe i'm too hard on myself and giving my homelife up to a huge change will truly be a sacrifice, but i know me. and i know that a true sacrifice in the world of trace is being away from home.

could it be that God has given us this house we live in as a resource to reach out to people and share His grace and provision with others? is that the calling? or is there more God is preparing me for? is there more stepping out in faith to come and this is just a stepping stone of faith?

i guess what i'm saying is, as much as i want to say i am sacrificing for Him (giving to Him everything i have to live on, as the widow did), is it truly a sacrifice, is it truly all i have, if i am still in the comfort of 'home'?

i'd like to say it is. but something in me knows that i would much rather give all i have and get to stay at home, then to give little bits here and there and not have home. where, then, is the sacrifice?

pondering these things, and praying to be faithful in all things.

beware

when you see signs that start with beware, you are likely to think there is something dangerous and harmful that you are being warned to be on high alert for.

similarly, when we hear someone say beware, we change how we hear what is next. we aren't listening to something quaint or funny. we don't expect to hear something soft and kind. no, we prepare ourselves for something that is not good for us, something that can hurt us, something that we need to keep watch for and avoid.

right?

so, imagine being in Jesus' day, and having been a student of the law you are now considered an expert. people come to you for advice because you know the law up one side and down the other. and why shouldn't you? you are an expert!

and now Jesus' has just told everyone in a crowd around you to beware of you.

man, that's harsh. that's like being in grade school and a girl tells all her little friends not to talk to you. what an outcast you will become. they all suddenly look at you differently, like you are diseased.

but it is that important not to make God's Word into a trump card to serve yourself.

duh.

but not so much, duh, because really, we do this a lot more often than we think. sure, we aren't out there like television evangelists asking for money and living in mansions and having several cars in your multi-car garage and wearing gold watches that cost more than the annual income of most of the people you are soliciting. but we still do it.

in littler ways, and in much less conspicuous ways, which makes it maybe even a little more dangerous because it's near impossible to detect. and if you don't detect it, it will take root in you and grow.

i have been so convicted reading luke 20:45-47.

45 And in the hearing of all the people he said to his disciples, 46 "Beware of the scribes, who like to walk around in long robes, and love greetings in the marketplaces and the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, 47 who devour widows’ houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation."

because i know how i like praise. i like people to see me doing things for God. it is not why i do it, i am so very happy to say, but it is a thought not too far behind my decision to submit or obey. it doesn't take me long to realize that people are going to see the results of this decision and i delight in knowing how it makes me look.

ugh! i hate that. i hate that it is even a thought in my head, even if it is fleeting. i hate that i desire man's recognition at all. and yet, i do. (and i hate admitting it, too!)

and while i don't devour widow's property, do i put the money that God has entrusted me with to the use that He intended it? [i'm shaking my head no].

i serve me. that's really what it boils down to. i always have 'me' in the back of my mind and how it will affect 'me' and what 'i' will get out of it and even thinking how serving God will make 'me' feel.

where is the blinding and unconditional love that i must have for Him? the kind that makes me forget all about 'me' and forges straight into the thick of serving Him with absolute abandon of the cost or the affect it will have on my comfort? where is that?

and seriously, does God deserve anything less? how inappropriate to give Him something far inferior of what He is worthy and expects. His very being demands it!



money is nothing we should beware. it is the heart of the matter that we need to recognize and attend to.

for whom does our heart beat? what in your life indicates otherwise?

a spirit of yes

that's a neat catchy phrase, don't you think?.. "a spirit of yes".

i was talking with a friend of mine yesterday about how sometimes God may not want us to actually DO something, but to be WILLING to do something. like, in her case, going on a trip to poland. when she was first approached about this trip, her response was

i don't want to go, but i will if You want me to

then there's that part where God deals with your heart, challenges you, changes you,.. molds you into the person He has designed you to be. that is what happened to my friend. she developed a change of heart about the trip. it became

i want to go, but i will stay if You want me to

i will stay? yes, as it turned out, along with her heart change, the trip changed and there was a big possibility that it would not happen after all.

we talked about how, perhaps, God's design in all of this was to get her to place where she had a spirit of 'yes'.

boy howdy do i know about that! He has certainly done that in my life, over and over, and even very recently (which is not a surprise to you if you read my blogs).

that is my prayer, my heart - is to always face God and the life that He lays out before me with a spirit of yes.

God's fingerprints

struggle. challenge. tough time.

we have different words for it, here in the world. but i believe the heavenly realm calls it - a call to submit.

for weeks it has been my prayer to submit to whatever it is God wants me to do, to serve however it is He has designed me to serve, to use the gifts, talents, skills, experience He has provided, right back to Him for His glory.

prayers come with consequences. you know that, right?

when you pray for something, like say... patience. He provides you an opportunity to learn it, to put it to practice, to hone it.

so i prayed to submit. and i find a plethora of opportunity that awaits my submission.

i also prayed to be humbled. again - more serving of humility than i can fit into my mouth.

and yet God continues to be tender with me. His abounding love is everywhere i look.

i was talking with a girlfriend of mine this evening. and i shared my challenges i've faced over the last few weeks. i was open with her about my struggle with pride and the need to be humbled. and my prayer to simply do what God wants me to do. and i even shared this journey i've been on the last year and a half and how at the beginning of it i just wasn't in the place where i could have told her point blank about the struggles i was going through and the pride that i was still hanging onto.

and she said something to me that still makes me tearful to recall even now. she said that she has seen God's work in me. oh, can it be true? can i truly be molding in His hands? have i truly yielded to become closer to the woman He wants me to be?

i don't deserve to have such 'success'. mainly because i cannot take any of the credit. my sweet advocate, the Holy Spirit of my Father, the Spirit of Truth - He deserves the credit. He guides me when i balk at being guided. He leads me when i have lost my way yet again. He is loving and tender when i'm being obstinate and selfish. He has His work cut out for Him with me, i assure you.

He is risking His very reputation by being associated with me! i can never bring Him justice.. i can never repay Him.. i can never give Him enough love or obedience to make it worth it for Him. it is only by His grace and love that He would do this.

i held onto those words she gave me. and prayed "God - is it possible? that people can see your fingerprints on me?" how i hope it is true.

if others see Him when they look at me, then isn't it all worth the struggle.. the challenge.. the tough time? if i am drawn closer to Him, then isn't it worth it? wherein, then, likes the 'struggle'? (i'll give you a little hint: pride).

it's been my prayer that i would be stripped of my pride. and that i would want to lay my agenda down and be submitted to Him wholly no matter what that looks like. and that i would want to want to!

i am determined to continue praying that prayer, knowing prayers have consequences and i 'risk' further spiritual development and all the pain that comes with it. because, yes, the answer is that it is worth it to be covered in His fingerprints.

order my day

i attended a leadership training session yesterday (kingdom training - will be held once a month.. i'm pretty excited about it). during one of the exercises we had to split off into teams of two, but you had to find someone you didn't know. there was a guy at the next table that stepped toward ours, so i nodded to see if he wanted to be my teammate. he sat down and we had to "listen" to each other for a minute each, take notes, ask questions, etc. it was a pretty good exercise in listening, and the material we went over for the session was awesome.

anyway, as i was listening, i learned that i was paired up with someone who had been in the NFL. uh, how cool is that? turns out it was george teague. since i talked first and told him about my blog, he then shared his website with me.

i felt a little embarrassed because i didn't know who he was and ended up saying something to the effect of: "so, i just met a celebrity?" he was very gracious and very humble.

i also won a prize! another exercise in listening was to take a quiz on the seminar we had just watched. i got 9 of the 10 questions correct. so did 2 other people. the three of us ended up getting a "dinner on me" card to a burger place in frisco.

burgers. hmmm.

well apparently my dot had a busy day as well and received a gift certificate to barnes and noble.

books. hmmm.

we determined a trade was definitely in order.

***

i had an epiphanal moment the other day. i was asking a girlfriend of mine how she keeps track of all the 'outstandings' in her job. she has a lot of people that she has to rely on to get back to her in order for her to proceed with things.

she said when she has her quiet time in the mornings, she prays over whatever is outstanding.

it really took me back. it was like hearing something you've heard all your life, but for the first time it actually made sense. the reality of it was dawning on me, getting me really excited, and i had to process it. so i called jan.

and she said, oh yea! and told me about a friend of hers who used to pray every morning for God to "order my day". and every day she remembered to do that, her day was efficient and smooth and things got done. but if she happened to forget her day would be chaotic, things would slip through the cracks, etc.

had everyone knew this elemental truth but me? i felt silly - such a simple and seemingly obvious thing had never even occurred to me! i was floored by the revelation!

i went home and wrote "order my day" across the bathroom mirror to remind me to seek God every morning on all matters of my day. all of them!

for such a time as this

reading in esther this morning and i am struck by how much haman wants to feel important. after esther's first feast in chapter 5, he goes home to speak of how many sons he had, his riches and promotions and the favor he's found with the king, and how even esther invited only he and the king to her banquet. he needed to be seen as important.

i know that well.

and yet, with all of these thigs, he still allowed mordecai to be a cockleburr in his saddle (i'm sure they used that phrase even then). it tore him up that he wouldn't tremble before him.

he wanted mordecai to recognize his importance and to fear him for it.

but mordecai has his head on straight and refused to bow before any but his God.

priorities.

Father, i pray for priorities. i ask, Lord, that you provide me the wisdom to know when i am to submit and when i am to stand up and fight. i am at your feet. please keep me there. do not let me wander as i am so prone to do.

Lord.. with all the changes going on at work, at church, i ask You to give us guidance and a heart to do what is good and pleasing in Your sight. to do what it is You have designed us to do. whether it looks important to others or not. just that we may serve You - that is our goal.

please forgive me for the many times i've sought the praise of men over your own. please forgive me and teach me, humble me, to seek only to please you. to recognize only your praise. that the praise of men would appear to me as empty and meaningless when aimed at me, and that it rightfully belongs to You.

thank you for the story of esther. her obedience for the law and for her cousin, as well as her passion for her people and for what is right, they are a great lesson and comfort to me. please give me insight to whatever treasures You may have for me in Your Word.

thank you for giving me such freedom to read the bible in the open, that i do not have to hide my faith. with such freedom, why do i not wear it on my sleeve everywhere i go? why isn't it on my tongue in all my conversations?

please give me boldness. please remind me, constantly, that i am Yours and how far You have reached into the pit to save me.

thank You for Your son, thank You for Your spirit. may i never forget. never forget.

i ask Lord, that You order my day. give me my priorities, lay it out for me as You desire. and give me Your energy, Your intellect, Your creativity to carry them out. in Your name and for Your glory.

authority

one of the things i am struggling with at work is authority. no, not really authority, but feeling like i am everyone's admin. i get ruffled when i feel like someone just dumps stuff on me because 'trace will do it'.

i have even opted to work from home on days no one else is in the office because i don't want to get stuck doing everyone else's work/errands/tasks that they didn't get to while they were in the office or can't do while they are out. and while i want to help, i don't get my own stuff done as a result.

however, i was struck yesterday by the responses of many people i'm around in that they just want to serve. they just want God's ministries to happen, they don't care who, how, etc. and i so desire that in my heart, too. it really helped with perspective.

may it be His way. i don't care where the lines are drawn. i just want to serve Him.

***

from the study guide: pilate spoke about jesus in three languages. when you speak of jesus, do you use worlds that best fit those you are speaking to?

WOW! great question!!!

***

are you sufficiently aware of biblical truth to see through the lies? this was another great question and right in context with what we talked about in bible study last week. one of our friends thinks that perhaps, no, he isn't. what a great reminder to not only steep yourself in His word, but to help others to do so as well.

what better way to win others to the kingdom than to be aware of traps they may have fallen into. and we will have the answers - the rope - that can help them out.

post conference

last week was our conference. our 2nd annual.

can i just say it is a lot of work to put on a conference? and tiring. i spent this week dragging by 9pm each night. and the awful repercussions of that is waking up before i intend to. aka not sleeping in.

jon was sick all of last week and i was pretty amazed that i did not get sick with him. but last night i had that all too familiar tickle in my throat and it is worse today. so i am putting on my cammies and getting into combat mode. i will fight this thing and i will triumph!

so, it is off to the supermarket i go to pick up battle supplies, then i will promptly come home, sit my butt on the couch and watch chick flicks until i'm better.

at least that's the plan i have for now.

the conference went well. we had more people attend than last year, but we still do not have buy-in from the church and it shows in attendance. our pastor's comments this year indicate we will have his backing and we plan to capitalize on that and make it an all-church effort next year.

we really do have the right idea, and so many things will improve with the help/support of the other ministries. and my involvement will decrease. it was officially announced in our department that was someone else would be taking over the major planning piece of this from now on. what a wonderful relief.

i will be praying about my participation and would like to ensure that it is aligned with my job, that it will be an extension of what i already do so that i am not overwhelmed, not doing someone else's work, and not trying to fit myself into a mold i was not made for. what that looks like right now is still a little fuzzy, but will most likely result in me finding volunteers to help staff the conference as well as putting together another 'worship experience'. i will probably also be involved in volunteer appreciation. it's what i do. but much more than that doesn't make sense for me to tackle.

fear

the last few days have been focused on pilate's encounter with the jews trying to persuade him to crucify jesus. the study guide indicates that fear of appearing not to be a friend of caesar pushed him into the 'crucify' camp. then it makes a leap and says "show God this week that your fear of unbelief in jesus is greater than your fear of man." and this troubles me.

seems that fear shouldn't be the reason we follow Him. (unless we are truly discussing the reverential fear that is reserved for God alone, but then it cannot become a matter of comparison to the fear of man thereby making that statement pointless anyway.)

the true motivation should be love, according to myself of course! God created us out of love, out of a desire for us to have a relationship with Him. why, then, would we not reciprocate the desire of that relationsip out of love? when you put fear into the mix, you tend to find yourself facing issues of rebellion and confinement. but not with love. love is freedom and optional. which is what makes it so beautiful when we truly exercise it.

when i face the Lord at the beginning of my eternity in His presence, i want Him to say, "you loved me." rather than "you feared me."

[on accident, while typing above i mispelled 'comparison'. and it made me consider how accurate my typo was: comparisin. how fitting to have the word sin in this word! how often to do we fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others? or worse, comparing God to others or our idea of how we think God should be? sometimes i mess up good. :D]

hypocrisy

the jews would not enter the praetorium because it was the home of a gentile, and they did not want to become unclean and thereby disallow them from participating in the passover meal.

such hypocrisy. jesus himself told them they were like whitewashed tombs - beautiful on the outside, but inside they are full of dead men's bones.

..In the same way, on the outside you appear to peole as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness"

where in my life do i have hypocrisy and wickedness? what about me would jesus want to 'reveal and deal'? what actions can i take to avoid being a hypocrite?

it's sad that many people view christians as being hyprocrites. i think it is because we try to preach the very things we cannot live up to. perhaps we should be preaching about faith and grace!

but aside from how we are viewed by others, what in our hearts is a direct contradiction to what the Lord has asked of us? we are told to have love for others. we believe it and teach it, but do we exercise it? do we love others the way God has intended?

we are told to follow Him. we believe that, too, and also teach it. but do we follow? do we go with Him wherever He leads? or do we stop and veer when we don't want to continue or we think the road is going to be too difficult ahead?

do we stop looking at the grass on the other side of the fence, and focus on our own yards?.. oh the lawn maintenance that is needed!!

i know i struggle with this - i know there are times when i act as though the rules apply to everyone but myself and i make excuses as to why i should not have to be burdened with the rules at this time. but it is just an excuse. it is hypocrisy. it is a whitewashed exterior.

i do not want to be full of dead men's bones.

denied

arneomai. denied.

how often do we deny Him? (notice, i don't ask IF we do, but how often.. it's much more realistic a question)

i think by not living out His truth, we deny Him. we deny the words He spoke, the truth He is, because we do not deem His commands worthy of our obedience.

it amazes me that He is creator of all of this! we would not exist were it not for Him, we will spend out eternity worshipping Him, we are because of Him, and yet we fail to spend much effort on Him.

isn't that sad? He's spent more effort on us than we could ever gather unto ourselves, and yet we cannot even get out of bed 30 minutes early to spend time with Him. we won't read about Him, we won't learn about Him, we won't talk with Him.

but then we expect Him to come to our aid or answer our prayers. we treat Him like a genie in a bottle and when we rub the lamp we want our wishes granted.

He will not lower Himself to such a fantasy! He is God of the universe!! and deserves (and yearns) to be treated as such.

how do we deny Him? by not treating Him as the Alpha and the Omega. by calling on His name for the things we want, but forgetting to call on His name because He is worthy of it and it is why we were made.

truth

"where can you discern how truth has been warped in your own thinking by the world?".

interesting question. because you know it has, it is just hard to discern where because we see it as truth. if you cannot see the warped truth from the real truth, then how do you know when the truth has been compromised for a different version?

where do you begin to discern that?

uh, the bible. seems to be the answer to everything, it turns out.

if we can measure our known truth to the truth of the bible, and find discrepancies, and those discrepancies can be pinpointed to a source or sources.. then we can determine what source or sources cannot be trusted for real truth. and then we can begin to be on alert for them in our lives, recognizing when we happen upon them.

sigh. the bible really does solve everything.

look! see!

today's lesson asks an interesting question - who does not know you are a christian? and why not?

hmm.. i had to really think about that one, and i think i know someone who may not know. although when i think more on it, i think she does know. she is a friend of a friend that i met on a couple of occasions. i don't have any real face-time with her, at least no one-on-one.

and she is very jewish and very vocal about being jewish and very opinionated for such a young lady. and i get the impression she would argue for the sake of arguing. i don't tend to get into deep theological conversations with those people. but what about the simple "yes, i am a christian". i do let them know that, but if i get the feeling they are going to be a pill about it, i tend to be quiet after that.

yet in the light of a conversation that would turn to a place that would require me to stand up for what i believe in.. what would i do? would it depend on the company i am keeping at the time? i would like to say it would not. at least not know in my life. but would it? like, really, when it comes down to it?

i can think of an example not too long ago when i was pressed for a truth that the opposing party was saying was bunk. they said they couldn't imagine jesus requiring something of them because they knew that jesus wanted them to be happy.

and i told them i believed the truth to be true, but i also had to admit that i didn't know where in the bible the truth was provided.

i berated myself for not knowing my bible well enough. but i also prayed for God's wisdom in finding it so i could let them know.

i think when i find myself in territory where i cannot prove because of my lack of knowledge, i will confess truth as truth, but not really go much further than that. i have nothing to contribute at that point that would further God's case. i can only harm it then.

and that is bad.

so now what? i must learn.. constantly and fervently to be able to stand up to anyone wanting to bunk truth! i must know it so i can claim it and explain it. lovingly, of course, but how sorry would it be if i knew these people were counting on me to show them truth and i failed them. what if it is a matter of eternity? then SHAME ON ME.

freedom

happy birfday, my heart!

john 18:17-18 talks about peter's first denial of Christ. the study guide indicates that peter's story is displayed to magnify the forgiveness found in Jesus.

how interesting, that just yesterday i was talking to a pastor at work about how i have learned to no longer wallow in the guilt of bad choices, but to celebrate how great God's redemption is that i am no longer living the life i had, or making the choices i've made.

i was telling him that it has been a year and a half of God teaching me so much (i have had the greatest spiritual growth spurt since working at the church), and how i've finally tasted the freedom God has in store for us. how i am finally able to focus on God and not me and my sin. how i am able to finally open up about stupid stuff i do (instead of trying to look perfect all the time) and allow other people to be blessed by how God can use someone like me. to show them - there is hope for them as well.

i would love to say that i have always made good choices, that i always had my eyes on Him, that i became a christian and evermore walked the straight path. but alas i cannot. but here is what i can claim!! - my life can now magnify the forgiveness found in jesus! amen and amen!

the cost to follow

it came it came it came!! my little orange bible was in the mailbox today. it's ESV.. it's small.. it's orange.. it's rubbery grippy goodness! i immediately put my new bookmarkers in it (ones i got from my ma-in-law for christmas). one of them is marking john 18 for this study we're in right now. the other is marking ephesians 4.

and so it was with great delight that i began the study tonight, because i got to use my new orange Word charmed with little ribbon darlings marking my current favorite places.

today's study focused on peter's denial. and on the cost to follow Jesus Christ. we were reminded of the rich man who was told to sell everything and give his money to the poor. and he walked away sad because he could not trust Him enough to get rid of his riches.

and i wonder, what is my treasure? what is it that i think i cannot afford? what cost do i fear paying in order to follow Christ?

but even further, why do we look at it as a cost? why can't we see it in reality of the big picture? why can't we see it for what it is - a hindrance between us and a greater union with Him? if we saw 'the cost' the same way He did, i think we would recognize it as a stumbling block in our lives and immediately do whatever is necessary to remove it so we can move closer to God and further into service and obedience.

it's only a cost when we look at it with our own eyes.

but that is how we see it.

that is how peter saw it. he didn't want to be associated with Jesus at annas' court. what was his cost? was it his life - did he worry that they would put him to death? was it the cool factor - did he not want to be associated with what they considered the bad guy here? was it rebellion - did he want to get back at Jesus for calling him out at the garden when he was told to sheath his sword?

sadly, i can relate to all of these. i get peter. he's bold one moment and acting like an idiot the next. usually all in the name of Christ - for the most part i think he really tries to do the right thing. but at the court, well,.. i can't see how that can be attributed to peter thinking he was doing the right thing. he knew it wasn't. he knew it while he was doing it. he was probably saying "stupid, stupid, stupid" in his head the whole time.

and who am i to judge that? how often do i do or say something all the while ignoring the sirens going off in my head?

i think my cost is looking foolish, or boiled down: pride. it's nasty and ugly, but i put it on every morning. right over His new mercies. i keep donning that disgusting thing over and over saying "stupid, stupid, stupid".

i want to pay the cost to follow - so effortlessly would i pay it that i would not even consider it a cost, but a means to the end i desire. and that is to be closer to my Lord, my Savior, my Master.

how can you live differently?

today's question at the end of the study is: how can you live differently this week reflecting on God's love displayed for you in the cross?

i love that caiaphas said 'it is good for one man to die for many'. i love that we can sometimes do or say things with one intention and God uses them - no! he orchestrates them! - for another.

i was thinking today of a friend of mine who can get under my skin sometimes. and another friend was telling me how they were moved by something the other one said. so moved that they are rethinking things and getting excited about God. i smelled smoke from the fire in their belly.

my first thought was - be careful, friend. be alert and watch.. for sometimes this other friend can get a little off base and i don't want you to be swayed.

and it dawns on me. this friend is truly moved! the spirit is moving in them. WOW! and it was a direct result of someone i reacted with caution about.

hang on a second! i am the world's worst. i mean, i do things and say things all the time that are contrary to my profession of Christ being my Master (if He were my Master, wouldn't i obey all the time? wouldn't i never sin?). and yet, God still chooses to use me. and people get motivated by me and learn from me. God reaches people through me. i don't understand why but He does. He uses me!!

why, then, would He not use others with faults? none of us are right on. no, not one. He uses us (praise Him!) because He wants us to recognize that though we are faulty, He is not, and His perfect work can still be achieved through broken vessels. all the better, then, to display His glory.

that's the whole point! why would it give me pause to see someone truly moved to act for God, just because God used a faulty vessel? and who am i to compare when my vessel is in the worst state of disrepair>

so how can i live differently this week reflecting on God's love displayed for me in the cross?

oh the very fact that He can use caiaphas and me and others to get to exactly where He wants to go, do exactly what it is He requires to be done,.. makes me want to 'keep doing my best, pray that it's blessed, and He'll take care of the rest'.

amen, He will take care of the rest.

there's hope for me.

put down the sword

Father God - please show me the things that i rely on to 'save myself'.. things i do that ultimately add up to a hill of beans. my efforts don't cut it and we both know it.

please display those things to me. things that - perhaps You may still want me to do, but without the attitude or haughty behavior behind them.

i want to do only what is of You, and that i would die to myself.

i am crucified with Christ. nevertheless i live. yet not i, but Christ liveth in me. and the life which i know live in the flesh, i live by the faith of the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me

God - i pray You will fill me up with You, so much so that i start looking more and more like You everyday, and less and less like me. that people i know well would look more closely at me and say, 'you look different', 'have you changed?'

please reveal to me the things that i need to lay down before You and humbly ask for Your forgiveness. i want to know what to leave behind from this moment on, and i pray for the strength to do it, and the love for You that i would never take it up again.

my pride.. i lay that at Your feet.
my critical behavior.. Lord it is Yours.
my selfishness.. please cast that from me.
my desire to look good/smart.. i yearn to care only what You think.

Father please, deliver me from these things. continue to show me what is not of You so i can shed those from me. help me to walk forward, in Your steps. help me to lean on You and not myself or others. help me to know You and to love You.

give me a glimpse of Your glory, Lord. i want to fall to the ground in awe of You. allow me as much as i can humanly endure, or let me die seeing Your glory. what a way to go.

i'm sorry for my view of You bringing You to such lowly terms and thoughts in my mind. i know You are grander than anything i can imagine. i know You are greater than my thoughts can endure. give me a greater view of You so that i can love You more and praise You more and that i can continue to complete my worship of You.

chip away what doesn't look like You in my life.

His authority bought my freedom

week 1 day 3 says 'freedom from sin comes only through the authority of Jesus'. and it urges us to consider how we can declare God's authority in our lives this week.

i know areas in my life where i feel that i continue to perform the same sin over and over, like knowing that i am not a morning person and succumbing to being grouchy anyway. or my tendency to feel like i'm 'the only one working around here'. that just is not the case, but sometimes i let myself believe it and i get frustrated and i know people can read that on me. or when i'm overly critical*. or when i care too much what people think. or when i get rubbed the wrong way by someone i find annoying or irritating and i forget to recognize what is truly at the heart of their actions - are they crying out for acceptance or importance?

there is such freedom to claim if only i would stop being me and start acting like the child of God i am! He's already bought it, this freedom. His authority has earned it! already. that is in the past and now it just a matter of moving forward clutching and living out this freedom!

i'm sitting here thinking.. man! if we only got it. you know, like truly GOT IT what our Lord has done for us. FOR US! people! we are so freakin' undeserving and yet He did it for us. what would our lives even look like, because i know it wouldn't even resemble what we've got going on here right now. our lives don't at all reflect the amazing gift of freedom we have already received. it's like getting the bestest most expensive amazing highest tech car ever made and keeping it ribboned up in the garage, never starting it up, never opening the door, never making an appearance in it. you would walk around telling people what you got, but without ever showing it off, without ever actually driving it, folks would wonder what was wrong with you or think you were lying about it.

we've got a rockin' vehicle here, WHY AREN'T WE OUT THERE IN IT??

hm.

i just realized i way veered off onto a tangent. maybe that was meant to be. maybe i just really need some caffeine.

*something i think i may have stumbled upon about myself is that what makes me great at my job almost makes it very difficult to be in a relationship. i'm very critical. when i'm observing the services at church and debriefing them later, i can usually come up with things that could have gone better, more efficiently, or things that need to be improved or avoided in the future. i feel like God has given me an eye for that so i can do the job He has laid before me. but it bleeds into my relationships. particularly with my husband. i know i am critical. and i know sometimes it realy hurts him because he feels like i'm telling him he isn't good enough. and i hate that about me. i need to allow that to flourish in me where it is necessary and called for, but curb it when i am with my loved ones. i can have high expectations for them, sure, because i want the best for them and i want them to be the best. but not to shoot them down or think they aren't trying when they don't achieve something trace thinks they should achieve. that's my will. not God's. and God created them, not me. if i created people, then sure, i could exert my will on them all the live long day. but alas that will never be the case. we are not creators. we are His people, all following His unique design for each of our individual lives.

becoming aware of this about myself thrills me.
knowing i must now move forward with that knowledge and apply it overwhelms me.

judas took the bread

judas departed to betray jesus
the one destined for destruction
satan put into judas' heart the idea of betraying jesus
satan himself entered judas
the man through whom satan acts to rebel against God in the last days

imagine having that close a 'relationship' with satan that these things could be said of you.

eery, isn't it? it's quite unsettling and dismanteling. it's unfathomable, really.

but why else would judas do those things to him? why else would he betray him?.. if satan had not entered him? what else could 'possess' him to do such a thing to Christ our Lord?

but here's the kicker:

26Jesus answered, "It is he to whom I will give this morsel of bread when I have dipped it." So when he had dipped the morsel, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. 27Then after he had taken the morsel, Satan entered into him.

jesus gave the word. he said the one who would betray him was the one who he would give the morsel of bread to. and judas took it. he accepted that he would betray jesus. he made the conscious decision. he didn't hem and haw over it. he didn't slap it out of jesus' hand and tell him no way, jose, i will never betray you. he didn't argue. he just took it and displayed to everyone that he would perform the very betrayal jesus talked about.

and then satan entered him.

whoops. who do we blame now? satan didn't enter judas until after judas took the bread. how can we say it was the devil that made me do it? who does our shame on you finger point to now?

i also think it is interesting that jesus gave him bread and that judas took it. because didn't jesus just explain that the bread was his body? jesus gave him his body. he handed himself over. and judas took it. satan took it. but amen, brothers and sisters, he could not keep it. he could not keep our Lord in the ground.

His true colors

today is the first day of studying the new series "24: the hours that changed the world". we'll be going through john 18 as it relates to Jesus' last hours of His life here among His disciples.

this morning we simply focused on the setting of events, really:

1 When Jesus had spoken these words, he went out with his disciples across the Kidron Valley, where there was a garden, which he and his disciples entered.

i wonder what it would have been like to have been there - to experience life knowing the man, Jesus. to have sat at His feet to listen and learn. to have walked with Him, served Him. to be around others who knew Him and to hear their views of Him and His words and works. to have had His counsel.

i'm rather independent and recognize that His 'inner twelve' were all men. how would i have felt about that if i were from that period? would i have yearned to be a part of that? or would i have accepted it graciously and simply waited for the times i could take part and glean what i could when i could?

when it talks about He and disciples entering the garden, does that exclude the women that were in his close band of followers? was it the elite twelve or would i have been allowed to come?

imagine knowing - being fully aware of where that road will lead - to the garden, yes, but the next 24 hours and all that it encompassed. He was God and man! He would grasp everything that He was about to endure as only God can, and yet the man would endure it. and He went anyway.

the study guide reminds us that a person's true colors come out during the trials of life. so as we view the hardest, most brutal time in Jesus' life, we get to see what He's really made of. how does He handle these trials? how does He act and reacte? what is this Christ's true color?

i think it's orange.

four thirty-five

it's not often that i'm awake in the middle of the night. if i ever am at all, it's brief and very quickly followed by further blessed sleep. i've heard of God waking people up to speak to them - to see a verse or to journal, etc. but it's never been me! and yet now i've been awake for over an hour and as tired as i feel i am, i simply cannot go back to sleep.

and as i lay in bed, praying, reaching out to God, asking if there is something i should be hearing from Him, lifting up my church, my department, my marriage, this bible study we're about to do, and church planting, i was struck with the basicest of ideas: the name of a church incubator.

you see, a friend of mine and i were talking one day about church plants and he was telling me about an idea of helping church plants get on their feet. and it dawned on me that this is probably a new kind of approach to church planting - it was about building a church within the walls of another (like lighting a candle from a fire so it can go and create another fire).

i am quite intrigued by this idea, because as i've been known to tell people, i feel like one of the things i am good at is developing/refining a process and then teaching it to others and then moving on. not being the one to carry on the process, but the implementer, the tutor, if you will.

fascinating! and i've been mulling around in the very back of mind the possibility of being involved in a project like this. particularly since it seems that as of late, i continue to hear of church planting in the most unexpected places. coincidence?

so as i was praying over whatever future church planting has, whether at my own church or in my own life, i thought of a neat name: the greenhouse - growing church plants from a mustard seed.

i love the idea of growing a plant from a seed. and i love the play on the word 'plant'. and i love the idea of a church being grown from faith, which the mustard seed has represented.

so i got up and googled. an online excerpt about the parable of the mustard seed:

The mustard seed stands for the progress of the church from small beginnings. Because of its minuteness, the mustard seed came to symbolize small beginnings, denoting the smallest weight or measure, a tiny particle. The parable focuses on this idea of smallness. The mustard seed is something small that does its part to expand in preparation for the Kingdom of God. The seed represents an instrument by which spiritual growth can be advanced, just as a plant grows and reproduces itself through a seed.

i was expecting to find something on faith. but instead, i find something on the mustard seed representing the church. i tell you, i did not expect that. so another play on words! this is getting fun!

i love that it talks about a plant growing and reproducing itself. imagine building up new churches within a church, a church reproducing itself and sending itself out to reap the harvest.

i know this probably sounds crazy, but as i was praying and wondering why i was still awake, i asked God if He wanted me to get up and write about this. should i, Lord? is this of You? do i act on this?

and i glanced over at the clock and it read 4:35. and i was compelled to finally get up and go look up john 4:35. here is the scripture in the ESV:

35 Do you not say, 'There are yet four months, then comes the harvest'? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest.

jesus was being urged by his disciples to eat when he responded by saying he has food to eat they know nothing of. they thought he meant that someone else had provided him food until he explained that his food is to do the will of God and to accomplish His work. and that the harvest is ready now.

if i were a church getting ready to grow from a mustard seed, i would want my food to be the will of Him who sent me to do it, and to accomplish it. and to remember that the harvest is ready now - that there are people ready and waiting for this church to embrace them and love them. that they are saturated with the need for this church. they are ripe, as the church would be ripe to develop and harvest them.

matthew henry consice commentary explains john 4:35:

Christ compares his work to harvest-work. The harvest is appointed and looked for before it comes; so was the gospel. Harvest-time is busy time; all must be then at work. Harvest-time is a short time, and harvest-work must be done then, or not at all; so the time of the gospel is a season, which if once past, cannot be recalled.

could it also be, though i believe when Christ speaks of the harvest that he refers to the yet unsaved,.. that some folks he has designated to harvest chuches to go out and minister to the unsaved? that my harvest may be churches whose harvest are the lost ones.

hmm.

matthew henry's also says 'God sometimes uses very weak and unlikely instruments for beginning and carrying on a good work.'

praise God! i have a chance!! i am as unlikely as they come and yet God will still use me. there is hope for me. praise God. could i be the unlikely to begin a good work? and that God will bring other unlikelies to carry it on? afterall, it's what i'm good at. i don't think that's a mistake. i know God gives you talents and experiences and skills, that you develop all according to His plan, to be used for His work and to His glory. could it be that he has been raising up a church raiser in me?

i refuse to put words in His mouth or ideas in His head. but i wonder if this very night - the fact that i got up to blog in and of itself is just absurd in my book when there is sleep to be had. and the fact that i have been thinking of church plants lately. and seeing how it all can potentially fit together - my skills and desires and interests and passions and talent and the incredible need - the ready harvest. is it all in my head that it seems right? or is there something here that i will have the incredible advantage of getting to watch God orchestrate before my very eyes?

by the way - thegreenhouse.org domain is currently for sale.

nehemiah's prayer

nehemiah's heart went out to the people in jerusalem (because of their great trouble and shame?). he loved them so that he wept and mourned and fasted and prayed. for days. his heart is with the people,.. what a great testimony of his leadership.. that he wasn't so far above them that he could actually stop and recognize his own sin of acting corruptly and not keeping commandments.

he IS one of the people, it seems, to have that degree of connection to them. what in my role with volunteers and those i claim to invest in displays that kind of loyalty, connection, heart and compassion?

..but if you return to me.. ah, there it is. our second chance once again. You are the God of chances, You allow us to continue to attempt and continue to strive. You don't give up on us. we deserve to be scattered. but Your provision of grace overflows and allows us to regroup, to be gathered and brought to a place chosen by You. chosen by YOU! if we return to You.

You are the same God who heard nehemiah's prayer, You heard those words uttered by him and read aloud by me. You are the same God. please, i pray, for the same second chance. i want to regroup, to return to You. i don't want to be unfaithful, so please, i pray, show how to be faithful.

it took only You, with your great power and strong hand, to redeem us. only You can and only You did.

Father, grant me success. whatever that looks like to You, i want that and nothing more. nothing human, nothing wordly. nothing successful by anyone's standards but Yours. and my success may not even look like anyone else's. i doubt it ever could. for how could anyone else like me end up where i am? i am too blessed, far beyond any measure that i deserve or can even deal with outside of You?

i do pray, that you will be attentive to my prayer - the prayer of Your servant! but i also plead that You will make me attentive to Your words. that i will listen and know and act and delight in all of it.

my eyes and my throat tell me to cry, i am overhwlmed. maybe it is just the day i've experienced - such tumult and misdirected passion, it seems. i feel very strongly that my friend needs to reexamine his attitude, needs to listen clossely to You, needs to step back and look at what we have accomplished today up to the point where he began to refuse. i have been wrong most of my life, and it wouldn't surprise me to be wrong again, but my heart says he has so much pain that it is a deterrant in moving forward in Your work, in Your ministry. oh, please God, that You remove any stumbling blocks to Your path for all of us as a team and individually. may i stress, ALL of us.

and Lord if this job as it seems to be laid out for me, if that is Your goal, Your design for my service at this juncture of my life, i pray You will cement in my heart and lead me, guide me, equip me, and never leave me, but work through me with your neverending strength.

and provide, Lord, for any holes i may have to create to focus where You will have me serve. and empassion me where i need to be sold out, 100%.

thank You for the experiences You've given me to do what You've laid out for me to do. please don't let me disappoint You. please let me knock it out of the park - be ALL You have designed for me, don't let me hold back, don't let me get in Your way, don't let me rest, don't let me be lazy.

i have sorely disappointed You in the past. far too many times to want to revisit. but i can do something going forward. please, God, that i would honor You in my future, honor You with how i can use my past, and honor You in every present moment!

i love You. please help my life to show that whole-heartedly and in revolutionary ways. and with all i am.

girl burp

you know, it's funny. i think of things all throughout the day that i would like to put in my blog and then when i'm actually here (which obviously is not often enough) it's gone. just.. gone!

i do want to share some fun stuff i got at jcpenney with my christmas gift card, though!!

this is similar to one top i got, same structure, etc, except that it is black and green throughout on a grey background.

i have been wanting some mary jane style shoes for a while and this top pushed me over the edge.. er.. into the shoe department where i found the perfect chunky mary janes. in the kids' section. size 4. mine.

here is another similar top i got. again, same structure, except the color of the little jacklet is brown and the top is mostly yellow with colorful flowers along the bottom. i think i'll wear that one friday so i'm comfy for my all day offsite with my department.



another recent acquisition is a red vest, but i couldn't find even a similar photo, so you'll have to use your imagination. the body is made of that flotation device-looking stuff. you know, snow jacket material. and then it has a ribbed sweatery neckline and a removable hood with faux fur along the edge. how cute is that?? i wore it today and thought i was cooler than a bees knees.

here's a photo of my new emm jays



my sister-in-law is responsible for my recent discovery that i can fit into a kids' size. we were at target and i wanted to get some camouflage tennies but they didn't have any that i liked in women's. then as we were looking for shoes for the kids, she teases that i could probably fit into them. then in all seriousness she looks at me and says, "why don't you try these on?" i thought she was looney. so i tried them on. and guess what? i walked out of target the new owner of those camouflage tennies i'd been wanting for oh so long.

see? being small has finally displayed some advantages. finally.

i am supposed to be studying for a greek class i have tomorrow, so i'd better skidaddle.

ugh. just did a girl burp. (you know.. the in-you-mouth while your lips are closed kind.) bell pepper. blech!

pink eye

we are on the south beach diet now. we're in week two of phase one and i feel i am just counting the days to get to phase two to get to the fruit.

my dot has been pretty run down since we started it but i think it is partly a bug that i think he has. his tummy has been yukky for a few days.

i was getting a bit fuzzy in the mornings until i figured out when to eat and now i'm feeling pretty good. i have a lot more energy now (except for right now - i'm beat).

i am definitely enjoying the healthy eating, i feel like i'm doing my body right. and my dot already looks like he's lost some of his belly. i'm so proud of him, he really hasn't complained about being on the diet. in fact, he helps me prepare meals which is a major plus. i don't feel so burdened with all of it when he lends a hand.

i finished knitting my MIL her scarf and am working on one for my brother. his is made with two yarns at the same time. next i am going to try changing colors - i have no idea how this is done! mom and G have been knitting a bit, too, which makes it much more fun.

i got some pretty cool knobby yarn that i'm going to make a scarf for myself out of. hope i don't end up with a big mess.

the cats are curled at my feet already nonnies which is where i need to be. later.

i bought it!

i got a borders gift card for christmas from my dot's family. so this evening i went online and found the perfect bible.

i've been wanting an esv for awhile, but i had no idea i was going to stumble onto this baby:

how perfect is this? it's like, it was made for me.

i opted for free shipping so i may not see it for a couple of weeks, but oh it will be worth it. oh yes, it will.